End of tether with twins

[lugeforlife]

My girls are 13. Different personalities but used to be close.

Dd2 having awful time with anxiety atm. Panic attacks, skin picking and a self harm incident. She is withdrawing from friends. She has always been a bit prone to lashing out at her sister.

Dd1 is a full on Kevin, tantrums, not getting on with dh, very jealous of dd2 as a result because dh is involved in dd2s sport.

Dd1 is Dd2s biggest anxiety trigger. She makes nasty comments about dd2 being weird or smelly or scruffy and friendless. Dd2 then lashes out and it all ends in tears.

Dd1 thinks she gets all the blame and that her dad is always on dd2s side. We do tell dd2 off but dd1 is pretty insidious and gets right up in dd2s face. She's also a very unreliable narrator (lots of benign incidents where she exaggerates) and we don't see as much from dd2 as dd1 claims.

Dd1 is actually usually a very sweet kid. She is a lovely friend and very kind. Except to her sister. I think she is very jealous of dd2s relationship with her dad plus dd2s oddness at school embarrasses her.

As you can imagine I'm very protective of dd2 atm so hyper vigilant of any stress. I am trying to get them to keep their distance from each other. But I feel shit. I feel like I am being torn between my children and my lovely happy family is falling apart. I know siblings don't have to be close but mine were and it's making me so sad.

How can I manage this better? DH is highly pissed off with dd1 so I'm constantly trying to improve that relationship too. I'm exhausted tbh.

Your DH is the problem here. He needs to make a HUGE fucking effort with DD1 and it needs to be sincere.

I've got 13 year old twin boys, I feel your pain. I sent them to separate secondary schools to help stop the comparisons and although they still fight they do have their own worlds. I'm sending wine and patience. Both dh and I try to soene q on 1 time with each child and we've all joined the gym to use up energy. Good luck.

Personally I dont think it will do much harm to help the twins to spend a lot of time apart from each other for the time being.

And yes I have twins[who are older now].
Personally I think a twin relationship can be hard. I cant see it will hurt either of them, and everyone for that matter, to separate them more.

Like @Theblackdogagain I separated mine a bit too. Didnt send them to different schools, but did encourage the school to have them in separate classes from each other. Didnt do either of them any harm. In fact, the opposite. Same as @Theblackdogagain mine are boys.
Not sure that makes any difference.

I do wonder whether you need to divide and conquer for a while - each take one child and do things separately with them so they both feel special. BUT, you need to alternate. Your DH needs to make an effort with DD1, take an interest in her hobbies and regain that closeness without making her feel like she's less important than DD2.

Once DD1 starts to feel confident and that she has both of your love, hopefully she will be more open to being kinder to her sister.

It sounds like your DD1's issues stem from massive insecurity, as do DD2's, but they express it differently. But your DD1 doesn't get the same understanding for that insecurity as DD2 does.

DH needs to fake it with DD1. You need to make her feel equally as important. Treat her as if she is the best thing ever and then be boringly disappointed when she isn't.

Watching with interest, I have twin DDs who have always got on beautifully but as they head towards the end of primary, there is a lot more bickering. I also have a 12 year old who can be horrible most of the time and sometimes I find it hard to be nice to her when she is so horrid to me ☹️

Thanks both. I have spoken to dh a lot on this. He took dd1 out yesterday whilst dd2 and I went for a potter around and they had a good time. He is trying to get interested in her sport a bit etc.

I have suggested to dd1 that she asks her Grandma if they can have a sleepover next week. She loves my mum and they have a good time whereas dd2 tends to get a bit bored. It would give her a bit of a one on one focus but I don't want her to feel pushed out.

Thanks for the other replies too. They are in separate classes at school but there is a bit of friend crossover. Dd1s best mate is friendly with dd2 and has been since they were 4.

I feel a bit reassured that separate time together is a good idea. Ideally if dd1 goes to grandma, we would find something in turn for dd2 to go to so we could have a night with just dd1 but dd2s anxiety means she's not happy being away from home atm.

Thanks for being nice. I've had quite the cry tonight.

Oh @lugeforlife , I am identifying so hard with so much of your post and the responses.

I have 14yr old b/g twins (and a 16yr old). DT2 is really struggling with anxiety/anger etc at the moment, and her main trigger seems to be DT1 (16-yr-old occasionally too!). It is the exception rather than the rule that we get through a family meal without her shouting in his face and/or storming off in tears. She spends hours up in her room and only engages with us reluctantly a lot of the time. Elder DD and DT1 have friends over a lot and generally we feel involved in their lives (DH is involved in DT1's sport which takes up a lot of time too), but DT2 keeps her home life very separate from the rest of it (apparently she is happy at school).

DH and I don't totally agree with each other on the approach to take, though we are keeping a good dialogue with each other and trying to support each other as much as we can.

Stuff I have found helps a bit:

Divide and rule. Spending time with any 2 of our kids together is a pleasure, as is 1 on 1. DH and I are both trying to spend some time with DT2 individually (tends to happen naturally with the other two due to overlapping interests/sports etc).

Trying to take an interest in DT2's interests - e.g. we recently all watched a TV series she recommended.

Stating calmly that screaming in faces etc isn't OK. I feel it's important for the others to hear that, even if DT2 is too angry to listen.

DT2 has just started some counselling which I hope will help her.

The biggest thing for me personally though is being honest with myself and with the kids (DD1 is finding it all very upsetting) that we're not in a particularly good place with our family dynamics at the moment and that things are difficult. I really think we will come through it, but it's a struggle right now and it's been a relief just to admit that.

I wonder if it is partly the identity difficulties of being a twin - early teens is a hard time anyway for your sense of identity. I don't have a lot of advice really, as we are in the thick of this ourselves, but you're not alone with it.

@3sthemagicnumber thank you so much for that. It does really help because I've been hugely doubting my parenting tbh. The poster below who says dd1 sounds really insecure - she is but I am not sure why and what I've not done to make her like that.

I had a good chat to dd2 today and she's opening up a bit more. I'm trying with dh as well - he is beyond upset with dd1. He sees that he has to step up but she is being so vile to him and dd2 that it's a daunting prospect but he will.

Glad you had a good chat with DD2 yesterday and that the fact you're not the only parent of teen twins facing this stuff helped a bit.

I think it's natural to wonder what you could have done differently (I can spend ages beating myself up about the fact that DD2 was left in her cot/bouncy chair for hours as a baby while I carried her brother around - high needs/reflux/asthma, and I wonder if that's contributed to her insecurity). And I think it's right to ask ourselves hard questions about it. But I also think that if you're trying, and working at being the parent your child needs then it's important to recognise that too. It comes across clearly that you're doing your best to find your way through a tricky situation and do your best for everyone in your family unit. You/we will get through this.