The state of his bedroom driving me mad

[Quiegal]

My son 15 ADHD just driving me completely crazy how his room is always in a mess. He says it's tidy when it's really not.
Yesterday walked in their told him open the window it smells like a dog been in here.
I have helped him several times but this issue just getting worse and worse.
Recently he caused a big argument with my dad because of it.
My partner and I have done our absolute best telling him clean your room. Helped him several times it just goes back to mess after a week.

Any suggestions please

Why can’t he have his room in a mess? If it’s his room and he doesn’t share with a sibling, why does it matter? Lots of teens are messy. Don’t clean his room
or tidy up for him, though.

I had one teenager who was good at keeping his room tidy (not that clean, but tidy)

I also had two other teenagers who lived in pretty awful conditions. One was a girl and her room stunk of perfume stuff. The other a boy whose room stank of smelly running shoes. (I think that maybe the dog smell you referred to?)

I gave up hassling them and just went into their rooms every week and cleaned them and changed sheets, picked their dirty clothes off the floor to wash (although they would often get their dirty clothes into the clothes hamper).

I did have success though, giving them one main housework job they had to do each week. One vacuumed all throughout the house, the other cleaned the kitchen and the third cleaned the bathroom. They could swap jobs if they wanted but they never did. I used to have to clean those rooms again midweek, but overall they did a fairly good job.

I really not sure why they couldn’t clean their rooms but could do one large job household job a week. They did give me the argument that it was their room and they could live in it how they liked. That argument did not work for communal areas we all shared so….. Anyway, it was a small win for me.

Today the neat one does all the housework and cooking in his household as his wife has to put in more hours at work than him.

Daughter is more traditional and carries the bigger load of work, home care, child care. I wish her husband would step up more, but in other ways he’s a very good husband.

My other son shares housework, childcare with his wife and both work hard outside the home. I think she does more real cleaning than my son, but he does more cooking etc.

Back off. Leave him to it. Teenagers are often messy and you need to pick your battles.

My only rule was that no food was to be taken in there and any cups were to be brought down to the dishwasher. Beds were also to be changed regularly (I do have some standards). The rest I ignored and eventually they did tidy up of their own accord.

Other than that I had the perfect tool for dealing with their mess - the door. I closed it.

I have 3 rules for my teens...they need to clear their rooms daily of any rubbish, clothes and plates/dishes.

That's because those are the things that impact other people in the house - ie the bins need to go out weekly, DH or I need to do the laundry and we need all the cups and plates to use. Stockpiling any of these things in your room is not acceptable as it affects others not just them.

I insist they do these three things daily and it only takes them 5 minutes each evening.

Their rooms still get messy but if there are no plates, cups, laundry or rubbish in there then it's fairly minimal and much easier to stay on top of.

Maybe Cut down on the amount of stuff he has, go through clothes, shoes, stationery, books etc. Don’t buy more storage as this just serves as another place to hoard stuff.

Once a week I would clean it myself - sheets, bins, floors, dusting, clothes in the wash.
The rest of the time, shut the door.
No dishes in there. Open the window a bit every day.

This.

My ds's room is his space. He can keep it how he wants. There are only two rules.

1. I do not pick up dirty washing. If he wants it washed, he puts it in his laundry bin. It can spend the week on the carpet, but on Saturday mornings he has to put it in the bin.
2. No food or drink upstairs.

His room is a mess of books and clothes, unmade bed, laptop accessories.

I hoover on Saturday mornings. I change the sheets and open a window once a week, and muck out (redecorate) once a year.

We don't argue about it, honestly it's not worth the stress.

Open the windows.
Shut the door.
If he has ADHD too it's not the same as usual teen chaos. Prompt at weekends to put laundry out.
Don't allow food in bedrooms.

No food and drink in there. Overwise just shut the door. It's his room.

Yes. My suggestion is wait 5 years.
He’s a teenager, it’s his room, shut the door and ignore.

@Morestrangethings

I actually forgot I posted this.

I refuse to do his bedroom and he acts like it's so hard to do.

Before we changed his room around it was like someone had topped rubbish on the floor..clothes everywhere, plates, cups, cutlery.I couldn't go in there probably would trip over all the stuff.
So disgusting but even though not that bad just the smell and it's it's heading that way.

Just wondering how you mums/dad's deal with this?

I just started shutting the door and pretending no to notice. He was always a good lad, helped around the house a lot, butbhad a blind spot/didn't care about his own room. Just asked him to bring the sheets down to be washed every once in a while.

He's now 21 with a very serious girlfriend and his room is the most immaculate.room in the house 😆

It's not a fight worth having when it doesn't really affect you IMO

@FancyANewID

I like your 3 rules idea I might try this.

@Teeshirt

True but if I don't enforce this now he will never learn.
If we had visitors walking past his room with that smell wouldn't be good. So again with him you need to keep telling him to open windows and washing in basket, plate's, cups in kitchen.

Like I said before he caused a huge argument between myself and my dad because he saw state of his room. Clothes he bought him was on floor. Funny thing that week I mentioned he won't do his bedroom don't know why it was so shocked to see his grandson room.

As a parent also it makes you look bad too.

This why at the moment his game been taken away until he can focus on school and his room. Which is another issue I have..then again he still got his phone so can't really win.. literally given up now.

We said that to him imagine you have a girlfriend would you keep your room like this.

It's like something died in there. I remember he had friends that use come..I said they not allowed in your room he had to go outside. Anyone going in there would be ill after its that bad.

Nope. Never had this. Was just a rule that they kept it semi decent. I don't know why other parents don't have basic rules: Dirty washing in the washing basket, nothing unhygienic eg food left, cups, girls sanitary products disposed of.
Once a year I give it a clean with the said ds, behind the bed, find a few crisp packets of malteser wrappers. Not a problem.
Loads of my friends find coffee cups with Mold, plates of moldy food, stinking used tampons. I don't know why they put up with this as parents. Just an occasional peruse and hoover.

And a 'mum I'm going to the cinema with my mates on Friday. Er no love you won't be going anywhere until that room is tidied at least a bit' - would suffice for most of the above situations surely?

I like MintJulia's attitude. Basic rules. Then it doesn't even become an issue. Why do parents make it more complicated than it needs to be.

I personally :
"I'm putting a wash on everyone, put any stuff in the washing basket please"

"Strip those beds please boys let's get your beds washed"

It seriously is that easy. I don't know why you're all making it more complicated than it needs to be.

It's easy to tell them but sometimes not easy for him to do. Like it's a difficult thing to change the bed.

That's the issue you can tell him over and over and over even go in there help him but still the same. My DP whom isn't his dad has tried and given up.
I have given up too.

Constant repeating yourself with him because of his ADHD.

I disagree. It's not that hard to instill basic values in dc. I am naturally very tidy so these things come easily to me but I recognise they don't to others - I know plenty of people who are very in tidy, it doesn't bother me it's perfectly fine but it does bother me when it's unhygienic and there's mould growing.

Why have you not had basic conversations years and years ago. When he was young? : "Ds I know this doesn't come naturally to you but there's certain standards that I expect and I need you to do abc even if it doesn't come naturally, for your good and everybody's good. you need to work on that area. "

He doesn't need to be tidy. But he does need to put his dirty clothes in the washing machine and take his dirty plates down to the dishwasher, sporadically.

Why when he was at primary did you not instill these things in him? the fact he has ADHD makes it trickier, but basics should still be instilled. yes these things don't come naturally to him, he may need some help but it's your duty as a parent to try and try and help him establish some of these basic things are actually good for him.

Why have you not done that? Or taking the easy option of just saying it's not possible? That's a copp out. Lazy parenting. why are you so passive? why is your husband not also saying to your son : "look mate I know these things don't come naturally but we want you to at least try. "

Practically things that helped have been putting things in place that make tasks only one step. Its easier for an adhd teen to do a one step task than a multi step task. So "change your bedding" is like 20 steps, "give me your pillow case" is 1 or 2 steps. Sometimes one small step will lead to multiple things being done- if not at least the small step has been done.

A big rigid, non lidded laundry basket in the room. If it could close or bend over, it never got used- only solid boxes with no lid. One step throw your skirt in, on another day its one step to take it downstairs.

A washing up bowl in the room- plates and cups always made their way into the bedroom. Put it near where they eat- so on the floor by the bed or on the desk. Its one step to put it in the bowl, rather than tge floor next to it, another day one step to bring the washing up bowl down rather multi step- find all the bowls and plates and spoons, stack them up and take them down.

Hang t-shirts insted of folding in drawers- messy teens are crap at folding so everything gets wrinkled and never goes in the drawers. If they can see it (on hangers) more likely to wear it and not wear the same thing all the time - reduces the smell. If you do the laundry- put the t-shirts on hangers before they go up to the bedroom- then they just slot in the wardrobe in one step.

A screen on the window so insects don't come in and then the window can stay open most of the day- reduces smells.

Dont have any rugs in there and nothing that belongs on the floor when the room is tidy- except things to put stuff in- so the laundry bin, the actual bin (again big and with no lid, unless its food rubbish then maybe a swing top lid) and the washing up bowl. Makes it easier to put things not on the floor.
If your teen mostly exists on or in his bed- put all the bins right near the bed.

If the smell is really bad- no shoes go in bedrooms, open windows every day, plug in air freshener and if your laundry win't go nad- no rewearing clothes- wear it once then it goes in the laundry. And lits of available deodorant

How do you know over the years I haven't or my DP hasn't told him?

We have over and over and one thing he does now still from even when he started primary. Change your clothes when you come from school now he will sit in them until bed time. Obviously has clean clothes for next day but not the point the blazer, tie can go on hanger.

At this age I just leave him now. Think we done all we can.

@Houselamp

Thanks will try do all these things. Very good advice.

@Oblomov22 because he has adhd. She's literally said it a number of times.

My teen has adhd op. His didn't give a shit about his room no matter what I said or what the consequence were or if I was putting a wash on. Trying to talk to someone who is constantly distracted and in 50 places at once isn't bloody easy. And he finds putting sheets on his bed difficult because he has zero coordination.

It's only now that he's started caring about how he smells and his clothes and girls at school that things have improved.
He brings his clothes out to be washed now because he knows if he doesn't then someone at school might think it's gross. He cleans his room on a Friday because it's the only way he'll get pocket money.

I change his sheets for him because that's a compromise I'm willing to make. There has to the the right motivation for someone with adhd to do accomplish things.

I think I'd be tempted to remove the door. He can get privacy again when the room no longer smells.

@illtellyouwhatiwantwhatireallyreallywant

Really good advice because really struggling to know what to do advice.

The thing is I have sat in there helped him as all the mess was overwhelming for him.

Even if I sit in their I guild him what to do. He does sometimes help.

But what age you leave them to it. He can do it by himself just still needs that guidance.

@Oblomov22 , Please do accept my invitation to come and live in my house and instil basic values of hygiene and cleanliness in my DD who is blind and has autism and ADHD. Like you, I like to keep a clean and tidy house. I’m sure you will find it a walk in the park as it is so easy to instil basic values in DC.

Make a day each week or fortnight that his sheets have to be taken off the bed and washed.
Vacuuming say every Saturday.
Bins emptied every second day.

Stick to a plan.