Age gap for teen/YA relationships

[SteveHarringtonsChestHair]

Would it bother you if your (only just turned) 18 year old was in a relationship with a 22 year old? Or indeed vice Versa, your 22 year old with an 18 year old!

If it makes a difference they met at their summer job, so met as peers.

Would it make a difference if the younger one was male or female?

And would it make a difference if one of them were known to be much more ‘worldly’ and experienced than the other?!

Just trying to gauge my reaction here as I’ve had conflicting advice in real life.

FWIW I know that at 18 I literally cannot have a say in this, they are both adults, but should I be concerned? And how should I handle it? Thank you.

No I don't think you should worry.
I think it's more unusual these days but that was a pretty average age gap, 25 years ago when I was dating. There was no way I would have looked at any of the boys of my own cohort, you definitely wanted someone a bit older!

I would be a bit 'hmmm' but it would very much depend on the people. DD started seeing her bf when she was 19 and he was 23 which I feel is marginally better, I also feel much happier now they are 21 & 25! He is a lovely guy and they are very well matched so I have had no worry.

If they've only met recently then I see no issue with an 18 yr old and a 22 yr old.

I did it, I was the youngest and tbh I was the more mature of the two of us (and we started going out before I was 18). So I don't think you should be concerned in principle but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be concerned about this particular relationship, in the same way you might about any relationship. Having said that, nothing you've said is a red flag to me. Just encourage your DC to not get too intense too quickly and to keep up their friendships with others etc.

I think it fine as long as the 22 year old isn’t very worldly and the 18 year old isn’t very sheltered.

I think the most important thing is always, always whether there's a power imbalance.That said there can be other problems with people who go for very young partners which can be almost worse than an older, confident, well established partner and a care free, naive one.

My good friend at sixth form actually had a "much" older boyfriend when she was 17 (he was 24) and initially they seemed to be on the same "level" maturity wise.

Then it began to seem that actually she was more mature. Initially this was amusing and people seemed relieved.

Then it became clear that his immaturity and the fact that he was at a similar life stage to someone 7 years younger came with significant undiagnosed, untreated, mental health and recreational drug use issues which his parents (whom he lived with) were fully aware of and constantly shuffling to cover up/ compensate for and down play.

He became quite dangerous at one point and it was difficult for her to extricate herself and his family blamed her for not looking after him.

Four years at 18 and 22 is probably fine if neither is unusually immature for their age and there's no obvious power imbalance- neither is the other's supervisor or anything! However much more and I'd be uncomfortable whatever is going on, as an immature older person can be as much of a time bomb as one being much more mature, experienced, financially stable, further established in their career etc. than the other.

Interesting replies thank you.

FWIW my DS is the 18 year old, with an older girl (woman!) and I was also quite accepting of it, but my older DS (who is 22!) said he felt it was wrong and was astounded that myself and their dad thought it was an acceptable gap.

Does your older DS perhaps know the woman better than you and your husband? Perhaps he sees her out socially/ their social circles overlap?

My DS met my DD's boyfriend before we did, and before he met him knew vaguely who he was when we had no idea, as we're in a fairly small community and they all happen to have a (very common) shared interest. So he definitely had more insight than us despite not having the same friends as her.

Porridge - I think that’s the sort of thing my older DS is concerned about. Like why would a 22 year old woman be interested in an 18 year old (especially as she knew him at 17). But as far as I’m concerned, they met at work, and have similar music taste etc so have been to concerts together, so it’s not completely out of the blue.

No issue from me.

As long as I know/trust my child to have a respectful and balanced relationship then a 4y age gap is no issue.

I'd expect my daughter would be more interested in the maturity of a slightly older peer.

I was (just) 19 when I met 24yo DH - 27 years, 4 children, 3 dogs and a cat later, we continue to be happily married

And yes my older one has definitely heard things from mutual friends etc but to me that says more about this girl’s exes for speaking out of turn than it does about her.

I don't have any issue with this either way round. My DS had a slightly older girlfriend at one point, I think it was a pretty similar age - 18 and 22. She dumped him once she realised he was an immature fuckwit though 🙈.
I met my ex husband when I was 24 and he was 19. I guess his mum must have felt similar to your DS. She tried to keep him away for quite some time until she realised I was just a normal person who happened to get on well with her son. She didn't like the fact I had a child. Unfortunately he turned out to be a complete cheating arsehole weirdo, but I couldn't have known at the time. I wish I'd let her keep us apart now tbh! Although I wouldn't have my 2 younger kids, so maybe not!

Obviously if one ex slagging her off or calling her a "psycho" then absolutely tell your older DS some home truths about the kind of man who says things like that and to ignore.

I was more thinking about your other son perhaps knowing her siblings or actually seeing her out and about first hand. If she's visibly drunk or stoned or behaving erratically in public a lot or if he knows first hand that she can't hold down a job and gets fired for not turning up. Obviously those would be massive red flags for a partner of any age!

My EXH was 17 when we got together, and I was almost 21. Was never an issue for us or anyone we knew.

Wouldn't think twice about it.

Thank you all - I’m pleasantly surprised that nobody else seems to think it’s outrageous! DS1 made me feel like I was turning a blind eye to grooming or something!

Depends what they're like and what they do.