I am the father of a teenage girl. My daughter and her mum live together – I live separately from them. Her mum has recently informed me that our daughter now wishes to be known by a new name (which is not obviously male or female), and to use the pronouns ‘they/them’. (However, for the remainder of this post, for the sake of clarity, I will refer to my daughter using ‘she/her’.)
She has now had her hair cut short. She is also being assessed for autism and does exhibit some traits that would suggest that – she finds groups difficult to be in, enjoys being in her own room, rarely manages to do ‘chit-chat’, and is very private (or is it secretive?). Over the last year/18 months (since roughly the start of her teenage), although she and I had a very close relationship previously, at her request, I am now only seeing her infrequently (e.g. well over a month between), and I know that there are things she does not wish to talk to/tell me about. She has gone through the process at her school so that she is now being referred to there by her new chosen name. I also understand (from her mum) that she has started to wear a binder, and I think a number of her friends probably also do.
Not having had any other children, I am finding all this difficult to come to terms with. I know that a lot of individuation usually happens when teenage is reached (perhaps particularly between a father and daughter), and the degree of autism also adds to it all.
However, should I be concerned? Particularly, perhaps, about her starting to use a binder? Are what I have seen so far the start of signs of restricted thinking which may lead to her wanting to take more drastic action – e.g. with her body? Or is this all likely to change again in a couple of years?
If I should be concerned, what should I do, where to look, what further to look out for, who to talk to etc.? I haven’t attempted (yet) to talk to her about all of it and try to find out what she is thinking/feeling, although I’m pretty sure she would be very reluctant to discuss it with me and may well just refuse; should I try and force a discussion with her? I should be glad of suggestions!