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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage kids and new partner not getting on

27 replies

Jakadan · 30/10/2022 09:39

I have two kids aged 18 and nearly 16 who live with me. I split from their dad about 8 years ago after he cheated, he is still with the woman he left us for, and my younger boy sees them every other weekend.
I met a new partner 18 months ago and see him every weekend either at my house or his depending on whether my son is home or with his dad.
My partner made a big effort with both my kids at the beginning but my eldest is quite shy and socially awkward and didn't really respond. My youngest was initially friendly but now seems to have decided he doesn't like my partner so is becoming quite monosyllabic.
This isn't great but it's made even worse by the fact that I know it really bothers my partner and instead of just brushing it off as teenagers being a pain, he now doesn't make any effort to engage with them either unless they talk to him first (which doesn't really happen). That annoys me that he is putting his own feelings ahead of mine, and I think he is being pretty immature and making the situation worse. But I'm also upset that my kids haven't made more of an effort and don't understand how important this relationship is to me.
I hate that I now feel that I am stuck in the middle and feel on edge whenever my partner is at my house. My youngest just keeps telling me that on his weekend at home, he would rather i go and stay at my partner's as he as more comfortable when my partner isn't there, and I have done that a few times now but it just bothers me that I should have to, and that I can't feel comfortable in my own home.
Should I just leave them all to get on with it and sort themselves out? I feel like I deserve to have someone in my life who makes me happy, but I hate that my kids aren't on board with it. If all carries on going well I would love to be thinking about living with my partner in a couple of years time ( he would love us to live together now but even if things were simple with the kids, I wouldn't be able to move til my youngest finishes school).
Has anyone else been through a similar situation where they feel stuck between their kids and their new partner?

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 30/10/2022 09:43

Your new partner sounds petty. I think that's the main problem. He sees your DC as an obstacle. And yes you deserve to be happy!

SpookabooAtTheZoo · 30/10/2022 09:45

Stuck in the middle? Put your children first! How can you think this man makes you happy when he has made your children so unhappy? Have you even tried asking your youngest what this random man you hardly know did to make them feel uncomfortable?

Lapland123 · 30/10/2022 09:48

Maybe don’t have your new partner there each weekend?!
your kids are almost grown - can’t you put them first for the very numbered days at home
theyll be gone soon enough, sooner if you foist this man on them

HowVeryBizarre · 30/10/2022 09:50

It sounds like you have found a petulant manchild as a new partner. If you feel stuck in the middle obviously your kids come first and if your partner can’t accept that he really needs to go.

Ekátn · 30/10/2022 09:50

You are in the middle because that’s where you choose to be.

There has to be a reason the kids don’t like him. Not saying it will be reasonable. But there’s a reason. Especially, if the youngest is saying he would rather your partner isn’t at the house at all. If you child feels comfortable enough to tell you that, surely you have discussed why he feels that way.

Then your dp is being an arse. Teenagers are tricky. But he is the actual adult and is acting like a stroppy teen himself. He needs to grow up. Personally, I would find his attitude very unattractive.

Hertrigerten · 30/10/2022 09:52

Def your partner is to blame here! He has to accept your kids. My partner accepted my ds from day 1.

Foolosophy · 30/10/2022 09:54

I’m really annoyed on your behalf! Have you asked your children why they cannot manage to be reasonably polite to your partner? Have you explained to your partner that you expect him to keep trying? It seems that your feelings and happiness come last to the lot of them. You should let them know that you’re not having it anymore. Tell them to grow up and make an effort. Do communicate with your teens and hear out their concerns but make it clear that your life counts too.

BadGranny · 30/10/2022 10:06

Teenagers really, really hate the idea of their Mum having sex - it’s embarrassing and cringeworthy of them. If your chap is a staying over, they may well be struggling to process that. And if he tried too hard to be mates with them in the early days, they may think he was just doing it to please you.

Meanwhile, he probably was trying too hard at the start, and now doesn’t know how to handle the situation. He doesn’t have to either try to be mates, or to ignore them. He just needs to be a friendly adult rather than as Mum’s boyfriend, and to treat them as ‘other adults’ rather than as ‘my partner’s kids’.

WitchyOsmansXraySpectre · 30/10/2022 10:14

I’m sorry but if my DC felt more comfortable at their Dad’s instead of being at home with me, then I would do anything in my power to rectify that.

RewildingAmbridge · 30/10/2022 10:16

So they have no free time with you without your new boyfriend being there?

Everydaywheniwakeup · 30/10/2022 10:17

So ALL you free time is spent foisting this bloke onto your children. Can you not have even one weekend a month where you don't prioritise yourself? If a random I didn't like was coming to my home every weekend I'd be pretty pissed off too.

amylou8 · 30/10/2022 10:23

You partner needs to grow up, but I also get why he is pissed with 2 adult (or almost adult kids) going out of their was to be rude. If they were 6 and 8 it would be different, but you're very much on the home straight now. They don't need to have a step parent/step child relationship. I'd just keep them apart, see partner at his house.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 30/10/2022 10:38

Listen to your children. Reallylisten to them. Your new partner makes them uncomfotable and therefore they don't want to be in his company. Why is this?

Choose happiness for your children as well as your own, the two things don't have to be mutually exclusive.

Please don't be one of those sad, lonely women who chose a boyfriend over her children and regrets it when it inevitably goes wrong.

ecuse · 30/10/2022 10:54

Why is your new partner there all the time when your kids are with you? Don't you get any free time with your kids without your DP being there?

It sounds to me like your DP is being a petulant arse. They're kids.

Whatever the reason: your kids are telling you they're not comfortable in their home with him there. So he shouldn't be there with any great regularity. See him on the weekends they're away, or see him out of the house. Have him over for dinner, but send him home to sleep.

You sound like you're considering a long term future with this man. If so: life is long. It's probably only a few years till you have an empty nest. Just wait. And if he puts the pressure on - I'd consider that a big red flag.

I say this as someone whose parents divorced when I was 6 and both remarried quickly. And, in my mum's case, literally moved us out of the family house into a new house with a new partner that same day. It was awful and uncomfortable living with strangers and having to pretend like they were family. I desperately wanted, but never got, time alone with my parents. I desperately wish they had put me first.

Rockingcloggs · 30/10/2022 16:15

Whilst people are asking the OP whether she spends any time alone with her kids without her partner (which I do understand) no one seems to be asking about whether the children go to their fathers house without the woman who he was knocking off not being there. I can't stand that sort hypocrisy. She's entitled to a full life with a new man, the same as he was.

I do agree though OP, that you need to have a proper discussion with him about why he is uncomfortable, why he doesn't seem to like him or his company. It could be nothing or it could be something, you won't know until you ask.

ListeningButNotHearing · 30/10/2022 20:18

Your partner is a very immature man.

I don’t think it’s fair on your children that he’s there every single weekend when they’re not at their dads.

Teenager years can be difficult, but you really need to know why they don’t like him. Tbh from what you’ve said, I’m not surprised.

altmember · 30/10/2022 22:30

You've been single throughout your kids' entire teenage years, so of course they're not going to be happy to share you with your new partner. It's probably nothing personal about him, they'd be the same with any man you meet at this stage. Your dp might appear be being a bit petty, but after months of being treated with contempt by your kids I can see why he's got fed up of being courteous with them why they never return it.

Maybe you could spend a bit of quality time at weekends with your kids and dp not present. The way they see it at the moment is that they've lost your undivided attention, so try and reinstate a bit of that (assuming they do still want to spend time with you, many at 16 wouldn't).

NukaColaQuantum · 30/10/2022 22:36

Bollocks to this, you’re not in the middle.

My eldest DDs are teens, I’ve been single for 8 years (youngest is almost 8) and there’s not a chance I’d bring a man into my home, into their safe space, and even more so if they didn’t like him.

PeekAtYou · 30/10/2022 22:45

You deserve happiness but I couldn't be with a man that my kids wouldn't (couldn't ?) tolerate. How would that work long term ? Graduations, Christmases etc
I'd be trying to find out if my partner was the problem or you having any partner is the problem. They are very different issues. The latter wouldn't be a dumpable offence but I'd go to his house as the children requested until they finish A-levels. (I'm assuming that they will go to uni) Then they could live with dad during the holidays.
How do they get on with their dad's wife?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2022 22:50

Perhaps your children are better judges of character than you are.

XAQ · 30/10/2022 23:25

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2022 22:50

Perhaps your children are better judges of character than you are.

Perhaps.

But also these kids are 16 and 18. Not 6 and 8. I massively advocate for women not bringing men into their kids lives. I was single for 6 years for that very reason. However, he needs to do the work. If not, he needs to go.

Pietergw · 23/07/2023 02:01

Hi

I'm a 52 y old man, and I'm in a similar situation as your partner (my partner is 54by the way,)

I feel the children of my new partner are not welcoming me, now after 1 year living together. I've done quite a lot for my partner, as well as her children. But unfortunately it's not working.

I'm normally quite good with children.

I wish I could call where I live now "home", but I can't. I've learned from this conversation a lot: as a man, I should know my feelings aren't important / relevant. From the feedback, I understand most people find me a manchild.

I'm still considering my decision: I could talk about it. But I understand that's pretty much pointless. The effort should come from me. And - as a manchild - I feel that's not correct, or could even result in success. So, it is very likely that I will just leave the relationship and I won't even explain why exactly. "It's not working". What's the point?

Yep. Now you all have a real target you can throw mud at. Go for it

LordSalem · 23/07/2023 02:22

Pietergw · 23/07/2023 02:01

Hi

I'm a 52 y old man, and I'm in a similar situation as your partner (my partner is 54by the way,)

I feel the children of my new partner are not welcoming me, now after 1 year living together. I've done quite a lot for my partner, as well as her children. But unfortunately it's not working.

I'm normally quite good with children.

I wish I could call where I live now "home", but I can't. I've learned from this conversation a lot: as a man, I should know my feelings aren't important / relevant. From the feedback, I understand most people find me a manchild.

I'm still considering my decision: I could talk about it. But I understand that's pretty much pointless. The effort should come from me. And - as a manchild - I feel that's not correct, or could even result in success. So, it is very likely that I will just leave the relationship and I won't even explain why exactly. "It's not working". What's the point?

Yep. Now you all have a real target you can throw mud at. Go for it

Zombie thread, mate. Start one of your own.

fairymary87 · 23/07/2023 04:10

Listen to your kids, there's a reason they don't like him but they just can't articulate it. I've been that kid. And was right countless times. Just because there 16,18 doesn't meant they don't need there mum. As much as you deserve happiness, they need you. That's being a mum I guess it never ends. Also your boyfriend behaviour is ridiculous. If he was really arsed about you he would try harder x

WandaWonder · 23/07/2023 04:34

The exhusband has a new partner why cannot the op have one?

But also why do the kids not like him is there an actual reason or is it a case of 'you are my mum and I don't care who it is you are not allowed to have a bf'

There are some partners who are wrong but there are some kids who never want their parents to have new partners no matter who they are

But regardless why does he have to be around all the time when they are there anyway? That is too much even if he is a saint