Self harm

[rainbowlou]

I am just looking for a handhold and some device:
I found out today my 14 yr old son is self harming; I have been concerned about his mental health recently after he admitted to not having friends at school, feeling sad and spending breaks by himself:
obviously I am devastated, as is he, due to me finding out (he came downstairs forgetting to put a long sleeved top on).
I have contacted his school who were brilliant and emailed me straight away offering support, referral to the mental health team and said they will call me Monday:
meantime what can I do?
I am beside myself, I feel I need to check on him all the time in case he has done something to himself and don’t know how I will sleep at night worrying about him.
He handed over the thing he was using to harm himself but I’m so worried he finds something else.
has anyone been through this at all and can offer any advice until school
contact me next week x

Obviously device means advice!

Sorry to hear this.

Can't really offer much advice but hand hold x.

I walked in on my sister self harming herself when we were similar age. I told my mum straight away and she got her in with the GP.
My parents had to remove anything sharp that she could possibly hurt herself with.

Oh @rainbowlou , first of all offering a handhold.
My DD started self harming about same age. It’s so difficult, and I totally understand your panic.

It’s really positive that your son has told you about what is happening at school.
Right now, take things a step at a time. If he wants to talk about the self harm then that’s good. If he doesn’t, that’s ok too. But make sure you advise him re safety, where there are some clean dressings and when he needs to get medical help.

Be vigilant, he has handed the implement over but that doesn’t mean he won’t use something else.

Implement your own safety plan. Lock all medication away, check his room when he is not in it. Provide him with telephone numbers for young people Mental Health services such as Kooth. Don’t let him wallow, change his mind set, watch a movie with him, take him for a drive/burger/activity of choice.

Be gentle with him, reassure him that you are there for him to talk to anytime.

What has changed for him at school that means he doesn’t spend time with his friends?

@Shallysally He says he has 2 friends, there was a big group of them during Year 7 but they seem to have all gone their separate ways.
He describes himself as being ‘socially awkward’ and isn’t forthcoming when it comes to talking to others.
thank you for your reply, a really good idea to give him numbers to hand.
He has asked to come out with me today which is lovely of him as I’m only out looking at rugs!

My ds is 15 and we found out yesterday he has been harming. I don't now how we've not seen it, scars all up his arms and on his stomach.

I've hidden the pen knives away which are usually open access for whittling etc but he's done most of them with a blade from a pencil sharpener. Can't exactly keep him away from stationery.

He's had a cahms appointment back in Sept but no follow up yet, although he told them he wasn't harming. So tomorrow I'll be ringing them to update and ringing school.

My DS is 15 and we found out a month ago he had been self harming then found out a few days later he had been vaping and smoking weed. Self harming was what we addressed first - got him into private counselling straightaway the very next week. Then had a long chat with him about the vaping and weed. To say it was difficult is an understatement..talked to him about the self harm but didn’t push if he didn’t feel like telling me everything. Did tell him the risks of infection etc and told him that if he feels like self harming to come to me and we will do something about it together until the wave passes, to let him know he is not alone and we’re all there for him.
I started checking his room regularly, checking for blood stains on the sheets and his shirts etc. I also started massaging his arms and thighs with bio oil, I told him it was to treat the scars which it is but it was really a way for me to check if he is still self harming.
He hadn’t self harmed for nearly a month now and continuing with counselling. As for the vaping and weed, we just have to trust him when he says he won’t do it anymore.

I'm sorry I have no advice as I have come on for some advice after the school has called to tell me my 13 year old daughter has been self harming. It doesn't help that her dad did this about 6months ago and had a conversation with our children about it (13 &18) I don't know what was said at the time as I was working. I hope that there is someone out there who can offer some advice

@pinkoneblueone me too :(

Dd2 is almost 13 and has been having a dreadful time with anxiety. She skin picks and has some scares on her hands which she swears were scratches but I am not convinced then yesterday she had a row with her sister and cut her leg.

She's been to gp who gave us some material to read and school have offered her some sessions with the nurse but she doesn't want to go.

She says it's not one thing it's lots of little things and she feels like a failure all the time. She's essentially dumped all her friends and says it's quieter and calmer when she's by herself.

I do wonder if she may be autistic as there are a few traits she has (and as always had) which seem to match but also we have a lot of fairly significant anxiety in the family too.

I am a bit at a loss tbh. She says she just wants to talk to me but I can't handle this on my own. Dh is good with the reassurance and cuddles but that's not enough.....

Hello, I'm so lost and I'd love some advice please. I had a call yesterday from my D's school to say she'd been to see her HOY as she's been self harming. I thought earlier this week she was quieter than usual but put it down to a massive sleepover she'd had at the weekend with not much sleep. She hasn't been eating at school either (although she has breakfast and dinner at home and has promised me that she's not throwing up so I have to trust her on that one). Now I know all the signs over the past weeks make sense (I fell in to a wall and scraped my hand, I fell over and scraped my leg, blood on shirt and on bed linen, I need along sleeved shirt for school as the aircon in the science lab is freezing). But when we got home yesterday she showed me what she's done with a pencil sharpener and sure enough around 8-10 perfectly straight lines on her arm. I am so lost. You think this happens to other people not to you, right? I have booked her an appt with a child psychiatrist next week with whom she's had previous appts for anxiety and ocd so we have a zoom next week and an in person on 14 June, but I am just so totally lost and I'd love to get advice on things like her phone (she has changed her password so I can't read any of her messages, do I challenge her on this?). She has formed a friendship with a female 6th former who has an eating disorder, should I challenge her on this? I feel like this manifestation of symptoms has started around the same time as this friendship began. I am being very calm and my Husband and I have told her we are here for her, we are not angry, we can always talk. I've said that we need to start doing more things like starting up our horseriding again, swimming, going for walks. She was previously doing things after school with her friends but a lot of the time she now says she doesn't want to (she was dancing, going for milkshakes, having people back here after school, but that seems to have slowed right down). She says she feels broken and she feels bad on her friends as she has a barrier up and she is always too tired to do stuff with them (having said that she had the massive sleepover last weekend and they went to the park after school on Weds). I really really am utterly devastated and lost and I'd love to hear some advice. Thank you for reading xxx

Hi @TeaBird123. How old is your DD?

Its a real positive that she is talking to you, and you and her Dad are absolutely taking the right approach.

In respect of the self harm, try and remove any sharps, lock knives and medication away. Mental health services will advise you remove all items such as pencil sharpeners etc. It’s difficult as you want to keep her as safe as possible but need to balance that with not acting in a way that will cause her to shut down to you.

Talk to her about if she is going to self harm, do it safely, and maybe leave some first aid items in the bathroom for her, some wound cleaner and dressings.

It sounds from your post as though your DD is having time with her friends which is so good for her.

Don't let her be on her own for too long, suggest going for a drive/watch a film together/cook some food/whatever she would like to do. Basically scoop her up and change her mindset.

It’s a horrible time for you as her Mum, do you have any real life support?

Hello there, she is just 13, literally turned 13 about a month ago. I think back to how she was just those few weeks ago and she was a different kid, laughing, engaging, wanting conversation. In the last 48hrs she has become a shell. There are snippets of her old self and then she shuts down again. I keep just wanting to hug her, not let her be on her own, I guess maybe I'm smothering her a bit this weekend as I'm not at work. It's so unbelievably hard and alien to me that she's not laughing and joking with us like she normally would be on a lovely sunny weekend. I went through her room yesterday and found a razor (she doesn't shave, has always gone to the salon for waxing) and loads and loads and loads of empty packets of sweets/chocolate bars/chocolates wrappers. This again is so alien to us as we always have chocolate and sweets in the cupboard which have always been for treats watching a movie or when her friends come over for sleepover. She talked yesterday about going to Pinner fair this week and we are due to go to Thorpe Park this week too. I asked another lady for advice on what we do, do we still go, I don't use these as bargaining chips, no?

I am trying to stay strong and my work have been brilliant offering me services which we have on offer to talk and get advice as well.

But if you have any more advice and tips on how we can begin to start getting through this would be massively welcomed, thank you.

I’m not a mental health professional, so I can only help as a parent. It’s really good that you and your daughter have an appointment soon.
Keep doing the room checks, have you told your DD that you checked her room?

I wouldn’t use anything as a bargaining tool. Who would she go to the fair with? The fact that she is talking about this is positive. I know that it’s difficult and your worry for her is so overwhelming right now, it makes the positives difficult to see.

I would challenge her on the password on her phone. Or suggest you go through it together, but don’t give her opportunity to delete anything. Does she have any social media?

When you feel able to, do access support for yourself too.

Hi ShallySally, thank you for your advice and taking the time to reply. I didn't tell her about going through her room we had quite a nice day yesterday and I kinda wanted to keep it a nice day without dropping a bombshell and causing a fight by telling her about her room. Picking my battles I guess. I will keep going through her room, I was thinking about telling her the next time she pops out. My mum is coming over this week and likely will pop to the high street with her for an hour, so maybe let her know that I'll do it while she is out, do you think that's a good idea?

Re the phone thing, she has shown me some messages this weekend from various friends and yes she has Tiktok, Snapchat and Whatsapp. She's shown me some Snaps and we cooked some recipes off Tiktok this weekend which was good/nice. I have tried to see what her p'word is when she unlocks her phone but so far I've not been able to keep track of the numbers and I don't want to make it obvs that I'm trying to watch which numbers her fingers go to. I'll keep persevering, I think to challenge her when it's just her and me home this week without her Dad around to diffuse things isn't the right course of action. And we will try to keep it all "normal" while my Mum is here. My D asked me specifically yesterday not to tell Nanny and we aren't telling anyone in our family outside of us three.

We are going to go shopping for an hour or so today and if it's nice we'll go for a walk again (we did 2.5hrs in the woods yesterday together with her Dad which was nice). And she loves Glow Up the makeup show, we started Series 5 of that yesterday which was a lovely hour, she cuddled right in to me on the sofa which I adored, so maybe we watch another Glow Up today.

One question I have which I'd love some advice on, is if we do have a flight or she storms off and slams her door on me, would you suggest going after her? I've made sure our doors are open at all times now apart from toilet/shower privacy (although my husband and I have never closed the door when it's just us three at home even for those things, but my D does). If she does storm off and shut the door, would you suggest we just follow up and open the door again? It hasn't happened yet and before all this was discovered I would have just left her to calm down in her room, but I'd like to be prepared as I'm sure a temper flare-up will be on the cards somewhere along the line.

Thank you again, all this parental advice is so appreciated and really helping me. Thank you xxx

Do you think telling her about checking her room will make her feel safer? If so then maybe tell her. But if you think it may upset her then don’t. You don’t want to push her away, especially when she is demonstrating that you are her safe space.

If she is willingly showing you her phone then let her do that.

I don’t honestly know re the closing her door if she has a flare up. Ordinarily she would be entitled to her privacy. She is a young teen, going through lots of changes, and needs her time alone.

Has your daughter told you what the source of her self harm/low mood is?

Hi lovely - she said she's been using a pencil sharpener. I'm not sure if she has harmed this weekend as we've not given her much time alone, we've kept her going and being outdoors all weekend, but now it's half term and I'm wfh (although my work are great at letting me take breaks to occupy her), I can't be with her all day like I have been. So I don't know if she has harmed this weekend or not. On the plus side, for the first time last night she wore pj's without any hoodie over the top, so I'm hopeful this means that what she showed me on her arm on Friday might be healing ...? Maybe ...?? We had a nice chat this morning and I've told her about Thursday's appt with the Psy and she went quiet but was ok-ish with it, she didn't get angry at me for booking the appointment.

So far, today is an ok day. She's been smiling more than she's done in the last few days, but is this because I've been working downstairs ...??? Who knows ...

I'm going to take her to the shops in a bit as she has a voucher to spend and she wants some new trainers so that will be another diversion for her.

It's such a minefield.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply to me again.

I'm sure I'll have more questions in the coming days, but thank you so much.