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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

What would you do?

20 replies

amysmom · 30/10/2022 00:25

So my nearly 16 year old daughter went to a party this evening - she’s a sensible bright girl who is on the cusp between what I would
call her steady friends and those friends who are in another more adventurous circle of drinking and a bit of weed. My daughter has already told me she won’t do drugs but does drink vodka with this group. Tonight she went to a party and I felt uneasy as I knew she’d be out of her depth and I was right - I got a very incoherent text at about 10pm which I couldn’t understand but when I rang it was clear she was drunk as was her friend and they needed collecting - my husband went and got them and they are both in bed with a bucket. I have no idea who this friend is but she did tell her parents she was staying the night with us - question is should I punish her for behaving like an idiot or hope she’s learnt a lesson ?? Im
fuming as this could have been so much worse xx

OP posts:

bloodywitchescat · 30/10/2022 00:29

The hangover will probably be punishment enough. You already knew she drank, now she's beginning to discover her limits.

lifeinthehills · 30/10/2022 00:40

I'd just talk to her about it and hope she's learned a lesson. It's a first time and most teens make a mistake with alcohol at some point. They don't know where their limit lies and drink too much.

PinkButtercups · 30/10/2022 00:43

I wouldn't punish no.
I did similar at 16 and I think it's a non issue. It's not all the time is it it's just a one off.

Allsnotwell · 30/10/2022 00:44

Yep! All three of mine have been there and done that - hit the fresh air and bam! she did the right thing to call you - sue clearly trusts you and I agree the hangover is punishment enough - maybe a bit of general teasing when she feels better!!

bigfamilygrowingupfast · 30/10/2022 00:45

She's 15 so I think having a discussion rather than a telling off would be better (sorry if I've misinterpreted your post!) You want to make sure she feels that she can call you when she is drunk and you'll come and get her and not be cross etc, otherwise she could end up putting herself in risky situations

Aarohi · 30/10/2022 00:49

I wouldn't punish her - she was where she said she'd be doing something you knew she'd do (although obviously too much of it!) She didn't lie to you and she called you when she needed help. I think it's OK to let her know you're not impressed, and you don't have to go out of your way to be sympathetic with the hangover, but I don't think you want to punish bad judgement at this stage. And you do want to continue to encourage her to be open about what she's doing and ask for help if she needs it.

DrunkOnHim · 30/10/2022 00:55

Don’t punish her. She’ll probably have a hangover tomorrow and feel a bit embarrassed. It’s often a good lesson although it would be great if they could learn without it.

When she’s feeling up to it tomorrow, have a chat about sensible drinking just to reinforce it and to acknowledge that you’re not condoning it, but no lectures. Lots of teens do this, it’s not the end of the world.

fUNNYfACE36 · 30/10/2022 01:00

At that age ypu can get blind drunk, and be fresh as a daisy next day

sjpkgp1 · 30/10/2022 01:15

I'm not sure I would punish her as such, but I would be having strong words (that are "heard" by younger siblings too if close in age). She has been lucky this time. You and your DH have been there for her, and have sorted out her actions with a lift home and a bed for her friend, and glad all are safe, bless you, you and DH sound lovely. And, yes, yes, we all do it at some point, we are all young once, mistakes can be made etc. and thank god for our parents at that point - but if you don't make your boundaries clear, you will carry this rod for your own and your OH back for many years, and it is even worse if the rod is extended to others "Don't worry, my dad will come". "You can crash at mine", "Taxi won't take whoever because they have had too much to drink and are being sick". "it's OK my mum doesn't drink (or ever go away for the night, or ever go to bed early)" so she can come", "whoever can't go home like this so they will have to stay at ours" - followed swiftly by parents worrying as whoever has not come home. So, please for your own future sanity, nip it in the bud now. I speak from experience (4 late teenage to early 20's children).

familyissues12345 · 30/10/2022 01:36

I punished my then 17 year old for getting so drunk he couldn't walk, weeing in his wardrobe and just generally being a right state by making him still attend the family meal we had booked the following evening.

He looked green sat there, but I wanted him to realise life carries on even if you want to get pissed as a fart.

Oh and of course I made him clean his wardrobe

PinkSyCo · 30/10/2022 02:27

You accept that your DD drinks vodka so what are planning on punishing her for exactly?

waterrat · 30/10/2022 09:55

We have all been there haven't we Op. I would just talk to her about how dangerous spirits can be when drunk with mixers etc

I drank heavily as a teen i wish someone had explained how to drink safely to me.

CuriousCatfish · 30/10/2022 10:01

If you punish her she might not call you for help if it happens again. Just be glad she got in touch with you for help.

Original poster

amysmom · 30/10/2022 10:57

Thanks all - so she’s feeling sorry for herself today that’s for sure so that’s enough punishment - I’ve been gentle but firm and told her I am glad she called me but I am very very worried about what could happen next time especially when other kids are going to these parties she doesn’t know and I worry if she’ll end up in a dangerous situation - she’s said she won’t be drinking again ever but I’m sure she will - we’ve all
said that- hopefully though she’ll learn to eat food first and don’t mix your spirits - Teens!!!!! We are exhausted - think we spent every hour checking they were both ok and not been sick in their sleep 😴 Her friend who ended up here too has gone home feeling sorry for herself so again they’ll learn hopefully 🙏

OP posts:

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 30/10/2022 11:02

I've a 15 year old and would lot agree to him going to a party that had weed at it - he also doesn't drink. I would not have the acceptance of this the OP has. (He does seem to vape sometimes though - I can't win all the battles!)

Original poster

amysmom · 30/10/2022 11:38

It’s a tricky one to manage I find - I know what I was like as a teen so I didn’t tell the truth about where I’d be as I knew my parents would be furious so I lied a lot and yes I did get caught out a few times and had to be rescued by my mum. My feeling is I don’t want her lying about where she’s going as I think she’ll go to these parties whatever I say - my aim is to keep her safe as best I can but also recognise she’s growing up and has plenty to learn about responsibility when it comes to drinking etc - she definitely doesn’t do weed etc and that’s not me being naive she hates smoking vaping etc - it’s alcohol that’s my concern and the being out of control. I’m hoping she’ll learn her lesson and also gain some responsibility but she also knows that I am not at all impressed with her behaviour last night and I will do what I can to prevent her getting in that mess again xx

OP posts:

familyissues12345 · 30/10/2022 12:03

Absolutely agree @amysmom . When DS got into a bad state at a party, we turned up calm and almost laughed about it. He knew I wasn't impressed, but that wasn't impressed that he'd drunk so much not that I wasn't impressed that we'd had to leave the house in the middle of the night to help him.

I want him to know that we'll always help, no matter what, rather than fear our reaction and try and deal with the situation himself and potentially put himself at danger. He has a friend who was once terrified of calling his parents and considered getting a train home instead. Just the thought of someone, really drunk, stood at the side of a railway line really terrifies me. Id always help, whatever the situation

DeadbeatYoda · 30/10/2022 17:28

She got out of her depth and she messaged you. In 'raising teenage' terms, I'd call that a win! I think you've been very sensible to go gently with her, she'll appreciate you all the more for that. If it were my dd ( when she hits 16 in a couple of years) I'd call her a dozy mare and remind her of the safety issues with getting in that state. Then tell her how messaging you was the right thing to do and give her a big hug.

LondonQueen · 30/10/2022 17:30

It's pretty much a right of passage, no need to punish. I'm sure you did similar at her age, I know me and my friends certainly did!

Lindy2 · 30/10/2022 18:01

I imagine the hangover will be enough punishment.

Like other posters, I wouldn't punish for this but I would have a chat about learning limits and staying safe.

She did the right thing contacting you and getting out of a situation that said wasn't in full control of. You want her to always feel she can let you know if she needs help. If she thinks she's going to be in trouble then she might not ask to be collected and could potentially end up staying somewhere where she's not safe.

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