Hi there all, just hoping some many be able to offer any help/advise on our situation.
I have a (just-turned) 16 year old younger brother who I now suspect to be using (and potentially dealing) cannabis.
A bit of History: He has always been a bit 'different', noticed from a very early age, he's very 'black and white', always struggled with keeping friendships/making friends, many see him as a bit odd and quirky. Always had an interest in more adult content from a young age, loved to try and watch horror/violence, always wanted to watch people on Youtube who used a lot of profanity, always loved talking about guns and things blowing up etc... and during his primary school years, had lots of issues with not being able to cope, going off into mad tantrums, competely shutting off. He cannot cope with failure or losing, is one extreme to the other in the sense of either stating he is terrible at something, or that he is the absolute best. Awful at time-keeping, still struggles a bit in reading analogue clocks. Has some sensory issues, easily distracted, very very picky eater, though has gotten slightly better in the past year. Overexaggerates, seems to act out to want to be the centre of attention, but then also says he doesn't like large groups of people. Often actively tries to talk about subjects where he can have an opposing view to try and create debate and potentially irritation/arguments between him and others. Often tries to be 'the hero' for others, even if it gets him in trouble or in fights.
He has friends/people he knows that also have issues around mental health, drinking, smoking, vaping etc... The friend he hangs around with most of the time he says has bi-polar.
He has not been too bad in secondary school until last year onwards. He has been gradually getting into trouble more and more frequently, spouting abuse at teachers regularly, being extremely defiant, excessive lying and so on. During the summer holidays this year, he was absolutely fine, he was going every weekday with his dad to work to help earn a little extra pocket money and keep him busy. As soon as he's started back up in school this Sept, we have had phone calls practically every day.
We have been reaching out to the school (for a long time!) about his issues and mum did fill in some forms for assessments etc.. but then didn't hear anything. We've had to keep on badgering the school after these behavioural episodes until finally they did get him a call from YOUnited. The man on the phone spoke to him for about 2 hours asking lots of questions and did at the end conclude that he does feel he has "neurological differences".
With continued trouble at school, mum was advised by a headteacher family friend (from his primary school) that surely they can put him on a reduced time-table and he should have an EHC plan (I think it's called). His school agreed to the partial timetable and the nurse who mum also phoned to get some additional advice explained there has been an EHC(?) thats been done and is a priority.
So the partial timetable has seemed to be helping for about two weeks and he's finally managed to get a few positive points in lessons on the online parent reports, however, then last week we had another issue.
Mum has known that he has being vaping for quite a while, we think this started sometime last year. He has two slightly older brothers (17, 18) that also did it when they were his age and they have pretty much grown out of it and never caused much issue, it was a rule however they were never to do it in the house. Although not wanting them to do it at all, parents felt that it was better to pick their battles and not cause additional friction in their GCSE & college years. Not to mention that it's almost impossible to force them to stop when all their mates do it too.
Going back to the 16 year old - last week mum woke him up in the morning, getting ready to take him to school around 11ish. He came downstairs and had breakfast, she said he seemed absolutely fine. Then when she went back up later to see if he was ready, she said he didn't look right, his eyes were red and didn't seem himself. He just said that it was because he was tired. She proceeded to take him to school, but then had to go to work herself.
I was at home and I got a call from the school a short while later telling me that he is just laying on the floor, refusing to move, saying he's tired, has red eyes and they suspect he is high. They asked him if he's taken anything, cannabis etc.. she told me he neither confirmed nor denied and started going on a tangent about medicinal marajuana and how it's "not illegal" anyway.
I picked him up and brought him home. Mum had arranged with him previously for his birthday at the weekend that he could have a couple of friends stay over and that she would order them takeout, so when she spoke to him once she was home about these goings on, he still point blank denied taking anything and in not believing him, she said that he would not be allowed his friends over at the weekend.
The next day she kept him off school and he stayed in his room all day apart from coming down once for food. The day after mum took him back into school again, only to get a call shortly after asking her to pick him up due to his abusive language and defiance again. She went to pick him up and he started shouting at her as well in front of everybody, calling her all the names under the sun, saying it was all her fault and then walked out the school into to the town, saying he was going to his friends house.
Mum was at the end of her tether and said to the school that if they need to they will have to call the police.
In a discussion between me and mum, we felt there isn't much we can actually do to force him to come home and she said to me that she won't be giving him any money because of the way he's been behaving.
Since then he has not been home. Mum has kept the line of communication open with him through messenger, asking occassionally where he is, if hes ok etc.. which hes been responding to. Then on Sunday - his 16th birthday - mum and I are walking the dogs and she gets a message from him. She tells me he's asked for £40, 'because it's his birthday'. I quickly flat out spurted out in response "NO WAY! how rude to just ask for money "because it's his birthday", he has cards and a few gifts here at home. Tell him if he wishes to come home and talk about all this then you will think about his pocket money situation, or something like that." Mum was not so agreeing, she was torn between giving it to him and my thoughts of not. I didn't want us to have a debate or argument about it, it's her choice at the end of the day, so I just left it there.
Later on that evening, she told me she did send him money in the end, but only £20, not the full £40. She asked if he would be coming home that night (as it's the last week before half term) and he replied simply: "probably." But he never did.
I had a gut feeling he would somehow try to convinse her to give him more money as he didn't get what he asked for. Well, Monday night, I come home from work and she starts telling me he's been messaging her quite a bit, he said he wants to buy thei Superdry coat off his mate, it's £140 (or something around that), and can he have that money (transferred from his own saving account that she is in charge off, that's usually where his pocket money goes into etc..)
She said she was asking him lots of questions about it, asking what one exactly and she was looking it up herself to see what it cost new and so on. But she didn't divulge to me whether she did actually send him the money across or not in the end, and I didn't want to ask her because she does seem to get cross with me if I step in with the what if's and suspsicions sometimes. So I left it there.
I had previously spoke to his 18 year old brother, who has more access to his social media posts (he uses snapchap) to please keep an eye out for anything he might post that would be of concern. Tonight the 18 year old messaged me pictures of my brother's posts, one of his hand holding a big blue bag that looks to contain cannabis, with text saying "Pu for bud" and another one showing a smaller bag with the text saying "should I roll my 5th blunt today?".
I have not spoke to mum about this yeat as she has gone to bed, but I am just very concerned and I'm not too sure what the next staps are that we can take, or if we/she should do anything at all other than offer to talk to him about it? Also, should she stop all money being sent to him completely, or is this a bad idea? Mum had messaged to school on Monday saying she felt my brother would be better to not come in until after the half term now. But what if he still ends up staying where he is at his friend's and still decided not to go into school after that?
Really need some help, mum is often reluctant to ask as she feels that noone wants to or can help, she finds it very hard to cope with all this and is going through the menopause herself, so she also has bad days. The school has been utterly useless and so slow with everything and they are indeed backlogged. We've been given links to information etc.. but other than read how to stay calm and just talk to them, os there actually anything else than can be done. I can speak for both myself and mum that we really do feel alone and lost, we don't know what to do for the best and at 16 it's very hard to encourage or enforce him to do anything, he does what he wants and his own words "I can look after myself".
I really hope you might be able to offer any help.