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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

No Motivation To Work

16 replies

Charliesunnysky10 · 16/10/2022 23:58

My son is 19 and lives at home with me. He stammers quite severely and found it difficult to get a job. However last Christmas a supermarket took him on for min 8 hrs and he ended up working quite a bit more than that. It's coming up to a year later and he doesn't like the job, it's tough getting him out of the door most days. He doesn't need the money but I do, to cover his living costs. He takes home £200 a week and I charge him £200 a month for his keep. I think this needs to increase though. He has nothing to spend his money on as he rarely goes out and mostly games online with friends who don't work. His life revolves around this. I suggested looking for a job he might enjoy more but he said his stammer puts employers off. I'm finding it tricky to keep him motivated. On the one hand he's an adult but on the other hand I care about him like I would an adult friend or my dad, so I want him to be happy, but I don't want him to pack in his job or get sacked as I can't afford to keep him on no income. I'm struggling here...don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

DenholmElliot1 · 17/10/2022 00:18

Could he get some treatment for the stammer?

HighlandPony · 17/10/2022 02:57

He’s an adult. What do you mean he doesn’t need the money but you do to cover his living costs? He needs the money to cover his living costs. Jesus, what a man!

Ponderingwindow · 17/10/2022 04:22

What is his plan long term?. What kind of career is he hoping to have when he is 30?

PeppaPigsBonnet · 17/10/2022 04:35

I agree he needs to see a Speech Therapist to deal with his stammer. That should give him more motivations.

Original poster

Charliesunnysky10 · 17/10/2022 09:45

@PeppaPigsBonnet @DenholmElliot1 He had speech therapy for 15 years. It didn't work because the stammer is habitual behaviour. He won't be able to change it until he can see beyond it and stop seeing himself as a stammerer. He's at a low point and it takes quite a shift in mindset to get to a point where you can overcome it.
@Ponderingwindow He feels crippled by the stammer and that it will always hold him back so has no aspirations. I have told him that he has a lot more to offer than that and there are lots of people who stammer living fulfilled lives but he can't see it because it suits his narrative to think the worst. @HighlandPony I agree and I get angry and frustrated inside that he's not taking responsibility at 19 and I am. But I know that doesn't help resolve things. He has about half a dozen close friends, none of whom are employed. They don't want to work for minimum wage and they at home off their parents. He told me this morning "Why am I getting up at 4am to go to work for minimum wage facing people's reactions all the time when struggling to speak and they're in bed till the afternoon" and I have said that I'm proud of him and it's important to feel the self esteem of contributing and achieving. You won't get that if you stay in bed. But he says he doesn't need lots of money because he doesn't spend much and the amount he's on isn't enough to move out anyway. He's just really down and lost. And even though these exchanges make me unhappy and late for work myself, I can't just leave him to get sacked and ruin his chances at doing better. But I can't do this for him. I just want to try to inspire him to be a bit more positive.

OP posts:

HighlandPony · 17/10/2022 10:03

I’m sorry but that’s not an excuse. At 29 he needs to take responsibility. See all those posts in here from women going “he’s lazy, he’s selfish, he’s financially abusive” etc. he’s that in the making.

Original poster

Charliesunnysky10 · 17/10/2022 10:21

@HighlandPony I agree but I don't know how to help him change for the better. Just by us saying it's not acceptable, doesn't solve the issue. I think in need to listen more - me being positive and helpful around him isn't working!

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mavismorpoth · 17/10/2022 11:02

He's an adult and few of us have motivation for work. The motivation comes from necessity but there is none when you live at home with parents who let you game all day. You're fighting a losing battle.

My dad told me at 18 I had to start paying rent, so I moved out. If I'm going to pay rent (I already did all my own cooking and laundry and bought everything for myself since age 16, when I started working) I was going to live on my own.

Today I respect him for that, greatly, he was a short tempered arse while I lived at home but 20 years on and we have a nice relationship.

You've created a NEET and if you aren't going to correct your mistake now by being harsh you need to accept it and look forward to living with him for the foreseeable.

newtb · 17/10/2022 11:24

Would hypnotherapy or something similar help with his stammer? Might be something available via his employer.

Original poster

Charliesunnysky10 · 17/10/2022 13:11

@mavismorpoth I was the same. I left at 18 as my job wasn't local. However I had nothing to hold me back and I appreciate facing rejection at interview is tough. He never missed a day of school and came out with decent BTEC and he's got an employment history as he's done little part time jobs delivering since being 14. So when he applied for dozens of jobs after college he got the interview but never the job. When he's upbeat he can move mountains but when he's down and feeling hopeless, everything is impossible to him and he goes on a downward spiral where he won't seek help or help himself. This is where he's at right now, hating his job but unable to see a way out other than to stay in bed and shut the world out. And of course the grass looks greener when he knows his friends are lay in bed till lunch. I have suggested that eventually they'll all find jobs, move out, maybe start driving etc. And that it's easier to move up from low paid, low hours jobs when you're currently employed, with a good work history, so he's doing well. But he can't see it that way right now.

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Boobreduction · 17/10/2022 13:17

Time to create some motivation ie asking him to move out in xxx months, or increase his rent to his salary, add to this he needs to not feel as comfortable at home. Be stricter about rules and curfews ( including internet usage which I assume you pay for) suddenly increase the amount of jobs he's responsible for around the house. Don't cook or clean for him etc, make moving out the better option and he will naturally find the will to do better and earn more

Original poster

Charliesunnysky10 · 17/10/2022 13:19

@newtb Yes, a holistic approach like CBT, hypnotherapy, NLP is excellent. And he's seen results a few years back, from the self belief it gives you and by changing your thought process. But it's not a quick fix, and it's part of a whole shift in mindset, which he doesn't have the conviction to embark on when he's low.

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Autumntime2022 · 17/10/2022 13:29

A trade sounds perfect for him is there anyone you know who he could work along side for experience?

Girlsontour · 17/10/2022 13:34

Yes I was also thinking an apprenticeship with a structured training program where he would learn a skilled trade would be great.

Mopping around sponging off his mum can't be his life trajectory.

Girlsontour · 17/10/2022 13:36

www.apprenticeships.gov.uk/

Original poster

Charliesunnysky10 · 17/10/2022 14:11

@Autumntime2022 @Girlsontour You're right, it would be ideal as he'd have company and mentoring which would lift him but employers are quite rightly looking for highly motivated people for their apprenticeships and he's not the best at selling himself. I will put this to him though and I'm very grateful for your suggestion 🙂

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