Difficult 14.5yr old DS

[teenagersandatoddler]

I really need help as I am struggling with my DS who is 14.5. He's falllen in with a a really bad group of friends, but equally I don't think he's without blame.

Context - we moved to Sussex when he was in year 6. He does not get in with my new husband who is autistic and ADHD. I have had another baby who is now 3. His dad still lives in London.

Within the past 12 months, he has been caught shoplifting, come home in a police car for assault after an adult tried to steal his friend bike, been caught vapping, smoking, selling weed, coke home stoned, drinking, selling vapes for profit, caught with knives.

I have spoken to the police, been into school, spoken to the doctor and cams.

I have moved his school and he's doing well with studies.

He said atm he doesn't feel anything. I will call the doctor again tomorrow as I think he needs medication as he's depressed.

He is grounded but can have friends to the house. I check his phone and he has limited data.

I don't know what else to not to support him. Please be kind as I am on my knees with this.

You could live separately from your new husband for the next four years. Your ds appears to be trying to replace the family he lost (you and his old friendship group) with another family (his new friends).

If he's been caught with hard drugs I really think it's that serious. Drugs and knives !! You could lose him completely if you don't do something drastic.

Sorry but that would be my reaction.

@MintJulia I have a three year old and 11 year old so I cannot do that

Can he go and live with his dad? Back with his old friends, and get away from the new husband?

@MintJulia - it is something we have discussed. His dad is not super keen or reliable and he has no friends at his Dad's - they have all moved away.

Then you seem to be faced with an appalling choice, do you choose you ds or your dh.

What does he say? Does he want to go back to London? Does he want to be away from your dh? Could he live happily with a grandparent?

I have a ds who's 14.5 The thought of being in that situation makes me feel sick. In that situation, my child would always come first.
Sorry to be so blunt

@MintJulia - He wants to stay in Sussex

Grandparents are in South Africa, Ireland or up north

If he wants to stay in Sussex, he wants to stay with you and his sibling. Sending him away would make him feel even more abandoned.

What is the history between him and your husband?

I can't imagine ever making my children live with an unrelated adult they don't get along with.

The assumption here seems to be that it is living with new DH that's causing this. Is it really? It could well be that living with a 3yo is difficult.

Please try counselling, pay for it to get there quickly. That's all the gp will do in the first instance.

How is he with the grounding? OK to go with the rules? What does he do outside school? Can you get him to join some clubs? I know it's clichéd but boxing clubs really help troubled teens.

@DoodlePug - he has had counselling and hated it but I am trying again with it once back from holiday.

He plays a lot of rugby - about 4 times a week.

He has been bringing some friends to the house