Discipline

[Mancmum1]

Hi, please could you share views on a situation I find myself in where my DH and I are poles apart in our views.
My usually well behaved DD has started college this year and 6 weeks in was doing well and has passed all her initial assessments. However we have had a call from the college today saying she has been involved in an incident. Another pupil took DD’s phone which she’d left on the table in front of her, and made a call to someone DD used to know and left an inappropriate message. DD apparently grabbed the phone back when she heard what was being said, but a voicemail had been left. The recipients parents, quite rightly weren’t happy and contacted college.
Whilst the person making the call has taken full responsibility and told college DD wasn’t part of it, college view is she condoned it as it was on her phone.

Anyway, I’ve had a discussion with DD talking about what serious consequences a seemingly innocent initial action can have and how she needs to be more thoughtful in what she does. I’ve also asked her to write to the principal apologising for her part and advising what she has learnt from the situation.
DD is mortified this has happened, we’ve had tears and I believe she has learnt a lesson.
DH believes in what I class as punishment but he thinks is discipline, and has banned her from all activities she has planned over the coming weekends - one in particular that she has had booked in for a long time and saved up herself to do and will still have to pay for.

He thinks I’m too soft and don’t discipline and I think he is too harsh and that instead of learning what she can from the situation she will only remember how mean we are as parents taking this opportunity away.

Im sure there is a compromise somewhere here but DH has dug his heels in and won’t budge.

Any thoughts on what the best way to discipline is?

I really don't understand why she needs any kind of punishment, she didn't do anything wrong. Unless there is more going on then the situation is massively unfair.

You need to stick up for your daughter.

Are you sure you've related this correctly? You've related it as if she did nothing wrong yet everyone seems to think she should be punished

@worriedatthistime No, college didn’t punish any of those involved, just spoke to them and phoned parents.

Maybe keep the phone in her bag in class?

Other student is at fault though not her

You find your inner tigress and defend your daughter against all of this stuff. I am not a helicopter parent but I’d have ripped DH and a the college a new arsehole if they had tried to do this to one of my girls.
She should not be punished, she has not done anything wrong.

@FoxCorner I have purposely only tried to relay my DD’s part in this as didn’t think it was fair to comment on things other children had done. Had she left the message or called the other party for no positive reason then I would agree with DH that it wasn’t acceptable.

Your DD did nothing wrong. Your DH sounds bloody awful. not a chance I would back him up on this.

Is your DH always so harsh towards her, I'd seriously consider my relationship with him over this.

He's not a good dad.

If this is how your DH responds over something that is not really your DD's fault, what will he do if she does something where she actually is at fault? Lock her in her room? His reaction is completely out of proportion. But I'm assuming he doesn't believe her explanation of what happened. Which is also an issue and will likely mean your DD will not want to tell you or DH anything... and while I get your reasoning for going along with his punishment to show a united front.. I'd be concerned that your DD will end up feeling that she has no one in her corner.

Does your DH believe that if someone stole his car and knocked someone over that would be his fault because it was his car?

I'm confused.
Your dd is the victim yet a he's been humiliated by her classmate and adults like the college and her parents.
You can't stop someone grabbing your phone. Would you blame a person who was carjacked or mugged? A person who had their wallet pickpocketed or car stolen? She should be able to put her phone down without a random grabbing it as a joke.
I'd be finding what what punishment the person who nicked her phone got. Have they apologized to dd and the recipient of the message?

Your DH's is being ridiculous. If your DH left his 'phone unlocked at work and a colleage grabbed it and used it to send an inappropriate picture to someone in your husband's contact list that he doesn't get on with, would your husband feel himself complicit in that and as though he should be punished for the colleague's actions? I guess not.

I think you need to tell him that you are not presenting a united front with him on this and that she is not being punished further. As an earlier poster said: find your inner tigress.

Jeezo, you need to have your DDs back here. Your DH is out of order. Poor kid

Yes, re read my comments, far too harsh, apologies, I felt bad for your dd, probably stems from years of my being the family scapegoat, I could imagine how your dd feels as I've been there.
I'm sure you'll do the right thing

discipline ???????
for what ????

this is bonkers
I feel sorry for your dd

On what basis does he have that belief- or is it just some made up shit so that he can maximize the upset?

Hiw about giving her some sympathy- she got dragged into someone else’s Crap whilst a behaving in an absolutely reasonable way. I cannot believe either of you want to punish her - what the hell is wrong with you?

@Campervangirl ’s words are in no way unnecessarily harsh.

Your husband feels entitled to attach motivations and reasons to your daughters actions so that he gets to punish her. He appears to have no capacity for insight I to his own behaviour.
He is trashing his relationship with his daughter.

I wouldn’t ‘discipline’ my children at all over something like this. I don’t think your daughter did anything wrong. The other person has owned up to the fact it was all them and your daughter had nothing to do with it so on what basis should she be ‘disciplined’? Your husband is being unfair and way too harsh. I understand you wanting to present a United front but I’d be careful with that with your husbands attitude, your daughter will likely end up feeling no-one has her back and home is not a supportive place for her, and that you prioritise your husband over sticking up for her.
I think maybe your husband is over reacting from a place of fear, preventative discipline, like if he comes down on her hard for minor things she won’t step out of line in a major way, that could back fire very badly though, she won’t feel able to come to you when she does need help.

I would not consider‘punishment’ or ‘discipline’ for a 16 year old