DD13 Worrying Behaviour - Refusing Help - What to do?

[Cornishcat]

Long one, sorry...

I am getting increasingly worried about DD13's behaviour. Some of it seems to be normal teen stuff - rude, dismissive, disengaged with the family, sits in her room all the time - but other aspects are really worrying me.

She has awful outbursts of rage. She lashes out verbally and sometimes physically. She can look at us with utter hatred and contempt, which upsets me so much. There seems to be so much anger inside her.

The most recent incident was last night. It all kicked off minutes before I got home from work. DD and DS10 had a fight over the TV.... There was shoving, scratching and DS went up to DH (on a Zoom work call) in tears.

DH was furious with DD - I don't know exactly what happened but I suspect he didn't wait to hear her side of the story and just reacted to DS being so upset.

In the argument, DD hit DH on the side of the head, so he pushed her away onto the sofa and she kicked him hard (with DMs on). DD was hysterical and said she was going to call the police. DH actually said fine and he'd explain what happened and how she hit him (he has marks). It all calmed down eventually with everyone in different rooms. DD and DH had a relatively calm chat later in the evening - not much was resolved but they both aired their feelings.

DD says she hates her brother (DS is 10) and wishes he'd die. He is quite young for his age, which doesn't help as in some ways she is very mature (obviously not in terms of this behaviour though). He can provoke her at times, but she can really lash out at him too - hitting, scratching etc.

DD has a tendency towards anxiety. Has suffered panic attacks, is a deep thinker, introverted and possibly on the autism spectrum (we are considering getting her assessed privately). She is very sensitive to noise, busy places and can get quite panicky at times when out of her comfort zone physically. Just trying to give a fuller picture of her characteristics.

DH is of the "sort yourself out and have manners" school of thought. He is pretty strict and thinks this is a rudeness/manners issue, rather than anything else. He has never suffered from anxiety type issues (I have) and I am pretty sure I can detect issues which need external help.

I am sure she would benefit from therapy, but she 100% refuses. DD says she can figure things out herself and talk to her friends. How on earth do I get her to agree to help?

Sorry for ramble but any advice would be very gratefully received. At my wits end and I feel like a failure as a parent (not helped by DD pointing out my failings of course).

Oh I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have any advice I’m afraid as my 14yr old DS is the same. Same towards us, and his 11 ye old brother. So really I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. And a piece of advice someone has given me recently is that no matter what, we’re all just trying to do our best

Have you talked to anyone at her school? Maybe the school counsellor or year head who could advise you.
After last night l would say to her that you are concerned about her and cannot have a repeat so she must see your GP to get some help. I know it's difficult as l got my ds to agree to see an OT after a lot of school management issues and when we got to her office he ran off!
But she needs help. In the meantime read up on autism in girls and see how they advise dealing with melt downs. Reacting is not good but maybe having a special place where she can go to be quiet and calm down.
Hormones and starting Secondary would have a big impact of a girl with suspected autism as often they manage to make it through Primary ok.

Thanks for your replies - really appreciate it. I am so relieved that I'm not alone. Part of me was expecting horrified replies telling me I was doing something very wrong as a parent.

@Mumoffootieboys sorry to hear you are experiencing the same. It's such a huge stress. I just wonder if I am doing my best sometimes and whether I should be tackling this with a bit more energy and effort.

@junebirthdaygirl thanks for the advice. DD has said absolutely no way to the school counsellor. I am wondering whether the problem is more home/family related, as she seems fine at school. I'm going to see if I can find some local therapists and broach the subject again this weekend. Going to read up on autism too. Hormones definitely not helping either.

Hi, have you gently suggested to DD that she might be autistic. Our DD was pretty similar with the anger, though not really physical, but she’s an only child so it was directed at me.

she was referred to Camhs, and did go but was pretty disengaged, they suggested autism and I was shocked as there had been no evidence whatsoever as a younger child except maybe a little bit of shyness and a bit fussy with food.eventually it was DD who said she wanted to pursue a diagnosis as she ‘wanted some answers’. It came back as ASD and the report suggested some therapy and although she was initially resistant it was her decision after a few months that she would see someone and she has really clicked with the therapist and seems calmer/happier generally.

this didn’t all happen overnight, she’s coming up 15 in a few months but I would look for a diagnosis if your daughter is supportive, they have to be onboard with it but just cos she isn’t today doesn’t mean she won’t feel differently in a few weeks or months. Best of luck

Autism presents differently in girls and lots of girls are very good at masking when in public, but tend to break down at home because it's their safe space. I would get a GP appointment to discuss referral to someone who can make a diagnosis and provide appropriate treatment.

This is so important to remember as you could be beating yourself up thinking its a family issue while with autism in girls it's the opposite. As soon as they are home in their safe place it all comes out. That age girl will be struggling to keep up with the social element of teen girls and be absolutely shattered trying to cover up.
Could she know to go to her room, put on some very calming music and wrap up in her favourite blanket.
If you approach her as someone overstimulated by her environment it might help you to come alongside her. Not easy in a very emotional state.