Help - My DS is making me ill

[Mumoffootieboys]

My DS is 14 and for the past couple of years he has really struggled to manage his behaviour at school and at home. He’s always been a difficult child, always wanted things a certain way, meltdowns if things weren’t right and had a terrible temper. Over the past few years he’s gotten worse. I’m forever being called into school because his behaviour, he’s disruptive, doesn’t know when to stop talking, if he thinks he’s right he’ll argue with the teacher until he either gets asked to leave the lesson or walks out. He point blank refuses to go into maths as he doesn’t get along with that teacher. He wants to be a chef but is now struggling in food tech lessons as some of his mates are in there so messes with them. The group of friends he’s got aren’t great, a few of them have already been kicked out of school.
He’s no better at home, constantly picks fights with me or his little brother (11) his door is full of holes, things are constantly getting broken in his room through his temper. I couldn’t tell you the last time he told me he loves me, it’s like he’s so detached from me. He has a better relationship with DH but only on his terms.
Things have got so bad I’ve now been signed off from work with stress & anxiety. I’m not blaming DS on the whole as I’ve always been up & down with my MH but he’s certainly tipped me over the edge.

Where have you had him referred to?

Hi, DD was referred to Camhs at 13, it was for self harm and suicide ideation but there was an extreme amount of anger towards me, we had been pretty close before this.

she’s since been diagnosed with ASD so this is something you might want to explore or other Neurodiversities with your son as it sounds possible there might be some of this. I wouldn’t say getting a diagnosis has made everything great but she is less down on herself and hopefully forgives herself a bit for stuff that is difficult and that has seemed to defuse some of the anger.

Camhs’ advice to me when she was at her worst was try to detach a little and ‘put your own oxygen mask on’, do nice stuff for yourself, limit interactions a bit, we would largely communicate by text message and I would just try to stay upbeat and light hearted, eg send her a news story or meme she might find funny and I also texted her when tea was ready, time to bring her tech down etc, rather than going in her room to tell her, she is very territorial over the room.

maybe DH needs to take over a bit more of dealing with DS and you need to focus on yourself a little, and also remember school doesn’t suit everything child and just cos he kicks against this system doesn’t mean he won’t find his place as an adult when he will have much more control over his life and choices, in fact being a kid really sucks in some ways!!

good luck to you and your boy and take care of yourself.

Has he had any assessments? One of mine can be very difficult and has autistic traits which account for the meltdowns. Doesn’t make it any easier to deal with them in the moment but knowing it’s not all down to my shit parenting helps my own mental health. In reality I don’t think I’m a terrible parent but dealing with challenging behaviour can really take it’s toll on your confidence and well-being.
Take the time you’re off work to look after yourself and try and find yourself some IRL support xx

Asd or adhd sound likely. I can sympathise as my ds has adhd and poor impulse control is a feature. Your first step is to seek an assessment.

My 15yo niece has ASD and sounds similar to your son. Massively struggling with secondary school to the point they have been home educated for a while now. Have tried 3 different schools but just can't cope. You need professional advice.

He sounds like my DS2.

I've lost count of the amount of times my dad has had to re plaster his bedroom walls. He didn't do well in school either. He was tested for autism but didn't have enough traits. He's moved himself out now and is living in a homeless hostel with his girlfriend

I miss him but it's so peaceful without him here constantly kicking off.

Some kids massively struggle with secondary op. I did. But was the silent, withdrawn type as I’d already been broken down in primary. My dd struggled in a large state secondary and she transferred to a private school in year 9. She’s the same age as your ds and is so much more confident now. Two of her friends in the same school have also left since. One home Ed and the other is also in the private sector. My friend also recently removed her ds from another smaller, more rural secondary school as he wasn’t coping either, self harming and having suicidal thoughts.

I don’t really have any easy answers. CAHMS waiting lists are apparently even longer since covid. Is your ds in yesr 10? If so, by the time he is assessed, he could be sitting his GCSE’s and it sounds as if he needs help now. The first thing I would do if I had the money is to get a child psychologist on board.

Have you spoken to the school about what they can do to help? If not, I think you need an urgent meeting with them to see what measures they can put in place immediately to help him. This sounds like acting up because he is distressed rather than plain naughty. It also sounds as if his friendships are pretty toxic. My dd was part of the popular (aka naughty) crowd albeit she wasn’t badly behaved herself. Consequently, she felt she couldn’t show any interest or aptitude in class. I am imagining your ds is in this type of group as well, which isn’t helpful either.

If things are really that tough for him, there are colleges, which offer part time attendance on gcse courses for maths and English from year 10. My friend is applying for such courses for her ds. I know it’s not ideal. However, he could perhaps also pick up the catering via an evening class or online.

Thank you all for your advice. I have been in touch with CAMHS who have referred me to a community agency who offer support. I feel that he does have ADHD or ASD as these issues have been apparent since being very young but school are saying they don’t think he has additional needs as in some lessons he’s fine. But when I’ve asked him why he’s fine in certain lessons he says it’s cos either the subject really interests him and gets his attention or the teacher ‘gets him’. And if he does manage to have a good day at school he is so exhausted when he comes home that he is either really badly behaved at home or just goes to bed, it’s like it takes everything out of him to behave as he should.
School are very inconsistent with their support, one minute they say they’re getting him a mentor and putting support systems in place and the next minute they’re talking about a move to a new school. Which we won’t accept as we know it will do DS more harm than good moving.

Op I was just wondering about an early college placement instead.
If school is causing him so many issues and he has a clear idea if what he wants to do then he might do better there..
One of my sons was like this and he went to college early. He did some core subjects and then studied to be a chef and has done really well.
My daughter experienced extreme bullying and so went to college early and did a btec extended diploma in performing arts (she already danced) and is now in her final year at uni studying the same and set for a bright future.
School isn't for everyone.

Oh I didn’t even know that was a thing! I’ll look into early college placement. He’s desperate to finish school and wants to join the Navy to train to be a chef. Glad to hear your two are doing well now and you’re right, school isn’t for everyone. I do wish they would wake up and see that, not just for my DS but for all children.

Just an update and that we had a meeting at school last week and they tried to push me into moving him as part of a managed move and when I refused they’ve said if his behaviour continues then he’ll be permanently excluded! I’ve begged them for help with his behaviour but they don’t see that he needs help, they believe it’s a choice to behave as he does but I truly don’t!!

See if any of your local colleges do GCSE’s. We have an agricultural college where kids, who don’t do well in school , can go and just do maths/English/science. They also get offered side courses like equine studies and sports.
Id also look at getting him assessed for ASD/ADHD. You’ll probably have to self fund, but it could be life changing if you find out what it is for him.

If he wants to join the navy, be careful about pursuing any sort of diagnosis. A diagnosis of autism isn't a complete barrier to joining the armed forces, but in a lot of cases those who apply with autism will be rejected. An ADHD diagnosis could also be a barrier.

That said, it's not down to the school to diagnose these things- you need to do it via your GP (but there are huge waiting times on the NHS- as in he will likely not be diagnosed before his GCSEs) or privately.

In terms of a managed move, often it's not really an "option" as such- it's a last ditch effort to prevent permanent exclusion. I understand you think it won't help, but perhaps a new environment, away from his friends who are poor influences might be worth a try.

As others have said, it may also be worth looking at FE colleges locally and seeing if any of those would take him- the different environment again may be worth a try.

Is there a specific issue (e.g. a fight?) which has triggered the managed move, or is it cumulative due to lots of shorter exclusions etc?

Ah I didn’t realise that a diagnosis could be a barrier, I would have thought nowadays they couldn’t do that.
School think that the change would be good for him but I don’t see him doing well at all, he struggles with any sort of change to his routine etc.
There hasn’t been any serious incident such as a fight or vandalism etc nor has he had lots of short exclusions. He was excluded for 1 day in September and that’s it. It’s just that he is disruptive, argues back and walks out of lessons although he has been told he is allowed to leave lessons if the situation is getting too much for him. He’s not a naughty kid, just hard work

Sounds very like my friend from school days who was absolutely lovely but to be honest a real twat to teachers and his parents for no reason we could see, he really struggled, then did well in a trade he loves, in his 30s got an ADHD diagnosis and feels much more settled/understood for it! Hope that gives you some comfort.

I had a leaflet recently from my secondary about vocational colleges for GCSEs. One was for cooking /chef. The school should be offering that not just shrugging.

If he’s disrupting 30 other childrens education then he shouldn’t be in those classes. It’s not fair on them.

He has had a warning about his behaviour and it sounds like school have gone beyond trying to help him settle in school - given him an option to leave classes yet he remains to undermine the teacher and disrupt the other children.

He is therefore choosing this behaviour.

He sounds pretty naughty to me. You said yourself 'he's disruptive and argues back.'
It's not the school's job to try to manage his behaviour. If he can't behave properly he shouldn't be there.
To all the posters suggesting that he has a 'condition,' that's nonsense. He's simply a badly behaved teenager. I feel sorry for the other children in his classes.

A little bit of hope for you, maybe. My friend's grandson was constantly in trouble at school. And getting up to no good out of school too. He caused so much trouble at home between his parents that they kept splitting up. I won't go into detail.
At 16 he got his 8 gcses and left school. He got an apprenticeship in an engineering company quite a distance away, which meant he had to handle getting car shares etc. He works with older guys that don't take any crap. He's a changed person. The family live together again, they all get on. He's 16 so he's not perfect! But he's more responsible, he's enjoying his life and he behaves appropriately.
I can't say whether your child has autism etc, but I can say that he can change from how he is now so there is hope.

What do you do when he’s at home? Do you punish his bad behaviour and apologise for his behaviour to teachers? Have you arranged meetings with his teachers to apologise?

When my son was awful for one teacher we tried emails etc but what worked was a face to face meeting with my child and I was horrified by his actions and both me and his teacher were on the same page.

He soon stopped because he then saw we were both serious and acting the class clown wasn’t an option.

Given you can't manage him at home I am not sure why you think the school can? If he has a disruptive group of friends a managed move is possibly a chance to get him away from them.

Doesn't anyone think they are just being teenagers and not have to jump to define some sort of condition?

I worked in an academy with hoardes of this type of kid. Awful behaviour and no boundaries and just didn't want to be at school. And for most of them, that's all it was. Once they left and got a job or some sort of training they settled right down.

Why does everything have to be blamed on ADHD or autism these days - it's maddening. They are badly behaved kids who need a kick up the arse.

I have been senior phase ASN teacher for years now- I know the difference between kids who can't control their behaviour, their reactions, their OCD and those who chose to wind up teachers and disrupt classes. I've taught both. Lots of teens will do better out of school where they will learn the real world won't put up with the crap they dole out there!

There are so many parents with teenager they can't control - I think many of us were once those teenagers!!