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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Single mum only child reverse separation anxiety

16 replies

Rosieblue12 · 10/10/2022 23:34

not sure what to call this thread, or how to explain, But im a single mum of a 19 year old boy , he lives at home and has no plans on moving out yet . There has never been a dad, well not since he was 3, that's if you can call him a dad. Its always been just me and my boy.
But as he has been getting older ive because so painfully sad and anxious about the fact that one day he will move out, Im so attached to him because he is literally all i have, and i know that is not good i can't bare the thought of him not being at home with me. The pain gets so bad it feels like a bereavement.
Im 53, I have no close family, I know i need to create a better life for myself i just want to know im not the only single mum that feel like this, its hard when there is no other parent there for emotional support. all i seem to do right not is cry and overthink.

OP posts:
PrunellaMcTat · 11/10/2022 05:51

That sounds really hard.
You've already identified what you need to do, and that is to make your own life. Much easier said than done, but it is just as much a part of parenting him as was changing his nappy and reading him stories. We raise them and we let them go.

In terms of practical advice - would it help you to speak to a therapist? I did (about a similarly emotive situation) and found that an hour of non-judgmental listening allowed me the space to work out what I wanted and what I could do about it.

WetLettuce2 · 17/10/2022 19:21

I am also a lone parent of a single 19 year old child. Mine has a disability tho so may never be fully independent, and because this is an anonymous forum I can admit that it’s the one time I’m grateful of this as I don’t ever want her to leave me !

It’s not that she’s my only focus - I work in a demanding and interesting job, I have a full-on hobby that I’m obsessed with, I also do respite fostering so it’s not as if I have nothing else going on (although I would obviously recommend all these things!), but I just love her so much and I think it’s lovely that you do too - I’m no help at all sorry but you’re definitely not alone !

B1pbop · 17/10/2022 19:25

I think this is very normal. Empty nest syndrome!

But it might be harder for you as it sounds like you’ve put off creating a life of your own and feeling bits of grief as you go, so it’s been all stored up for now.

You will get through it. Grief is hard to walk through but you can only go through the feelings, not around them. Letting go of things leaves space for new things in our lives, and there’s a scary moment of free fall and anxiety while you figure out what the new things are, but you’ll get through it. Flowers

Rosieblue12 · 20/10/2022 05:25

Thank you for your kind caring replies.

OP posts:
Highlighta · 20/10/2022 05:52

Hi OP

Gosh I totally get how you are feeling. Single mum too and earlier this year my 19 year embarked off into the big wide world to begin her adventures. I was happy for her to do this as they do need to get out there, so I encouraged her, but kept inside that it was absolutely killing me! I didn't want to show it though as I knew if she knew, she wouldn't go.

My whole life revolved around her. We do everything together, from shopping to walking the dog. So off she went and I have to say, the first two months were probably the most difficult time I've been through. I cried all the time. If anyone asked me how she was, I cried. I couldn't even watch the end of our series as hadn't finished as it was our thing to do.

After sitting around every weekend and not even going out, I knew I was starting to get depressed and made myself get out and do things. I'm just a bit younger than you and realised that I was moping about and it was no good for me.

It's very very hard, people under estimate empty nest syndrome, but it's rough. Our whole world revolves around our DC and then one day they move in and we are kinda just stuck there.

I wish in advance of her going that I had staeted a hobby group or something to make me get up and get out. As I wfh that wasn't great either and I could go days without leaving the house.

It's been 9 months now and things are better. As an aside in the meantime I saw my Dr (for something else) and I just could not told it together, so he gently suggested that the timing was not great a a that I had other signs of peri menopause and the emotional / anxiety side were heightened. So I started hrt and Im less emotional that I was.

I'm in a different routine now, so when dd comes home its great, but I have to change up my new routine a little. Then when she's goes off again, I go back to it.

I started an exercise class too in my mission to get out, which had helped a lot. Maybe you can find some type of group, where other mothers are who k ow what you are going through. I go to a pilates class and although there are a few younger ladies, a lot are my age so they get it and we chat about our DC and update each other on any news.

My dd is thriving btw. I feel in one way I may have stifled her a bit, I see I was depending on her emotionally, more than I should have. But this is fairly normal for a single parent and child as we have all been through some trauma together to be in the position we are.

So my advise, start out slow and try to get your head around the fact that before too long be is going to want to do something else. Find something that you think might interest you to fill your time. I know we feel like we have no time now, but you need to have something there to so your routine isn't totally shot.

And try to think of it from your dc's side. Unfortunately they won't and can't stay with us forever. We just needed to get them to this point, and now they have to go live their lives. And sometimes that does not include us all the time.

Sorry that was long. But I still need to get it off my chest sometimes, even months in. 🤗

Oblomov22 · 20/10/2022 07:19

Maybe some counselling. It's never good to live vicariously through your child. If he is well rounded and flies the nest then you've done a good job as a parent. Find other outlets, hobbies, new friends to go out for a long Sunday walk, with a roast and a pint at the end!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/10/2022 07:26

As trite as this sounds, could you get a dog?

I noticed when I and my friends and siblings moved on, many of our parents essentially replaced us with pets.

PeterPomegranate · 20/10/2022 07:34

I feel for you. That does sound hard. Firstly a pat on the back because it sounds like you’ve done a great job raising your son.

As a PP pointed out, you know the answer - you need to build up your own life so your son is still an important part of it but not the only part you care about. This will help him too because he might be worried about leaving you on your own.

Are you on local parenting Facebook pages? They often have adverts of community events and activities that are going on. Near me there’s a women’s cycling group for example. Or local council gyms will have classes - my own mum has made friends this way. You might need to be brave to go along but the more you do it the braver you’ll get.

You’ve got lots of life left and you can do this 😀

And if you’re very upset or feel paralysed and unable to take some small steps forward do consider counselling.

Take care xx

Lottsbiffandsmudge · 20/10/2022 07:43

I think empty nest syndrome is not talked about enough. It is a form of bereavement i think. And a major adjustment.
I have been feeling like you and I have a DH and 2 other DC still at home! So your feelings must be massively amplified.
Take it slowly. He hasn't left yet! If you can start one thing now and then gradually build up that will help? I was so down in the run up to DS1 leaving. And then felt bad for ruining that remaining time!!!! It's vv tough.
Please be kind to yourself.

Vgtasd · 20/10/2022 07:47

I feel like this too my DC is 16 and when he moves out I will be devastated

Highlighta · 20/10/2022 08:56

Lottsbiffandsmudge · 20/10/2022 07:43

I think empty nest syndrome is not talked about enough. It is a form of bereavement i think. And a major adjustment.
I have been feeling like you and I have a DH and 2 other DC still at home! So your feelings must be massively amplified.
Take it slowly. He hasn't left yet! If you can start one thing now and then gradually build up that will help? I was so down in the run up to DS1 leaving. And then felt bad for ruining that remaining time!!!! It's vv tough.
Please be kind to yourself.

I have to agree with you. It is not talked about enough and you would not believe the amount of people who laughed at me when they found out the reason for being so upset.

A sarcastic reply of 'well isn't it time to let go of the apron strings' to 'get a life'. 'just be pleased you don't have to pick up after them anymore'. The amount of people (sorry to say but mostly male) think empty nest syndrome means that you are broody.

It was a bit of an eye opener to how little compassion some have on the subject.

Lottsbiffandsmudge · 20/10/2022 09:14

It doesn't help that it often coincides with menopause....

Highlighta · 20/10/2022 10:01

Oh yes, a proper double whammy.

gogohmm · 20/10/2022 10:29

It's normal to feel like this, and the fact you have identified it before he has got to the point of moving means you can act. Start trying to make a life for you, what interests do you have, what's on your community? Volunteer, join a choir, go to church, take up a hobby or two... it's not easy but I found it easier than I expected when dd1 finally left (dd2 had already left), my marriage had broken down so it was just the two of us but it meant I felt I could reinvent myself (I met dp that year!)

mavismorpoth · 20/10/2022 10:44

It's not reverse, it's just separation anxiety. You're allowed to have it, there's nothing wrong with it. I totally get that he is your identity and I have the exact same anxiety even though I'm married and my child is only 6.

What you need to do is start making a life for yourself now. Don't wait. And since he has no immediate plans to leave you have time, so you can chill about it a bit.

It will be sad when he leaves, but you can work now to prevent yourself being totally empty. So say the day he walks out that door to live elsewhere you could have nothing and sit on your sofa and feel emptiness so profound you literally have to hold onto something to stop yourself falling into an abyss.

OR

you could go 'right, I'm off to meet Claire from book club for drinks, but can't drink too much as I'm doing my volunteering shift at the women's shelter'

See what I mean? Your feelings are valid but you need to help yourself. Here are some ideas:

Join a theatre group

Get a small part-time job (can easily get into care, teaching assistant, receptionist)

Toastmasters or UVA - join

Join facebook groups about things you're into (there's one for everything) they often have live meet ups.

Hiking group.

Get a dog, take for walks.

Get a different pet.

Get a penpal who you could organise a visit to as your child is about to leave home.

Begin dating.

Good luck.

Notnastypasty · 25/10/2022 00:21

I feel exactly the same. I think I’m in peri-menopause but I just feel so upset lately at every little thing. I’m dreading my daughter moving out or going to uni in a few years time. My life revolves around her (even though I see friends, etc and have a full time job) and I can’t or don’t want to imagine things changing.

I suppose then would be a good time to meet someone but I know deep down that I don’t want a romantic relationship again. So looking ahead it appears a bit lonely…

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