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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

I don't know what else to do

5 replies

lostyetagain · 09/10/2022 18:58

I've posted before on here about various incidents, but NC.

My almost 18yo left school this year.

His part time summer job ended two weeks ago. He's been applying for a new job for a few weeks before this.

Earlier this week, after a night out, and too many drinks (again) he had an absolute meltdown about having no job, and how all his friends are going to uni or college, or have jobs and he has absolutely nothing and hates it here. Told me that the day before he applied for the army. Went off on one about our town, the country, society, the PM.

Crying in my arms, rocking back and forward one minute, ranting and raving the next.

It was horrible to witness and I took the next day off work as I was upset myself and shattered.

I thought we had come up with a plan over the next few days. We looked at some college courses that he seemed somewhat interested in. They start in January and end in June. I sent him links to lots of jobs to apply for in the meantime. Full and part time.

Told him to send me his CV and I'd have a look at it, and print it off. Suggested he go back to the local careers advisor and get her to look over it with him.

Said I'd pay for him to do a first aid course and a short construction skills course.

Suggested some volunteering for on his CV.

I told him I'd pay for next weeks driving lesson and he could pay for the week after, out of money he has saved for car insurance (this is the only money he has saved out of the money he was earning all summer, and before, when he was sometimes making £250 a week).

He has his test booked for January, and I've said that turning 18 plus having his licence will increase the number of jobs he can apply for, in time.

Now he says he never agreed to apply to college. He's not applying for jobs in hospitality because he doesn't want to, despite having experience in it. He's not sent me his CV or contacted the careers office.

Basically every single thing I suggest is being ignored.

He just wants a job, on his terms. Which is clearly not happening for him.

He's happy to take money from me so he can see his mates, or for me to pay for his lessons, but any other input is clearly not required.

And no, he won't speak to anyone about how he is feeling. He's done that before and apparently that was a waste of our money and we forced him. Even though at the time, he told us it helped.

I'm worried about his mental health the longer he has no routine or focus, but he won't even give himself options.

OP posts:
HFG37 · 09/10/2022 19:04

That sounds hard for both of you. He clearly doesn't know which way to jump, but won't take advice. I guess you know really that the only thing you can do is force his hand and stop paying for stuff until he is actively involved in either training or employment. Dont bankroll his indecision since that will just make it last longer. (So easy for me to say I know...!)

lostyetagain · 09/10/2022 19:15

No, I know that. I'll pay for the lesson next week as that's now booked. The money he's spending tonight is the money I gave him yesterday which he didn't use. I have him that before he told me tonight that he's not applying for college.

I've told him I'll pay his gym membership so that I know he's exercising, even though I doubt he'll even do that.

But unless it's money for training or related to getting a job, I'm done. Because all I want back from him is a little bit of effort.

OP posts:
LIZS · 09/10/2022 19:19

What qualifications does he have? Would an apprenticeship be more attractive, earning a bit while learning? Are there any benefits you have list die ti him not working or being in education? What will he do all day when this job finishes?

lostyetagain · 09/10/2022 19:32

His job has finished, so just now he's doing nothing.

He has some Highers, and he would easily be accepted into the courses we looked at, and get a bursary at the same time. Plus have time left over for part time work.

He had a trial shift for an apprenticeship last week, but the guy he was working with (not the owner) filled his head with all sorts about how bad the job is, how much he regrets taking it, how he (my son) could be out earning more, etc.

Obviously I've tried my best to reverse all that, but he's now decided he's not going back for the second trial, and the opportunity has passed as he didn't even call the owner to say so.

That's fine, I would never force him to stay somewhere he knew he hated, but he needs to try things out, and stop limiting his options.

OP posts:
TroubledMum100 · 10/10/2022 15:09

Could he maybe do some travelling - broaden his horizons, get some perspective. He could work as he travels to help fund. My DS is 18 and I can easily imagine the feeling of being left behind even though he has his whole life ahead of him, so sounds like he needs a plan that gives him time to think and a new place to explore.

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