DS14 self harming - advice please

[AddictedtoCrunchies]

Was just chatting to DS14 and noticed some marks on his wrist. First of all he refused to show me or even tell me but with some very gentle talking and coaxing he told me he'd done it last night due to the stress of school and homework.

We talked and I explained that it wasn't the answer and that I was there to support him. Lots of reassurance. I also asked him if he wanted to talk to someone independent and he said no. I told him I was there to help and support him at any time and he can talk to me about anything. It's just him and me at home.

Should I have done anything else? 🤔 Should I tell school? I think not..

Yes I would speak to school. There may be a school counsellor- even if he doesn’t want to see them they can give you advice. It’s also important that the school is aware in case there are any other issues.

Talking to someone can really help so I would carry on offering that- maybe make clear that he could try a session and see how it goes.

DD saw a clinical psychologist when she had a phase of self-harming. One thing we were advised to do which really helped was DD identified the times when she felt an urge to harm, then I’d just come up and hang out with her during those times. So for her it was 10-11pm so I’d sit with her in her room and have hot chocolate and watch rubbish telly together- not really as an occasion for talking about feelings (although of course we did that sometimes) but just to be companions together during that time. It helped break the habit and also gave her cuts time to heal which helped her move forward.

On telling school- sad to say but there are likely lots of others also struggling with this. He won’t be the only one.

we sent my d15 to a therapist but didn’t help much. She got a few things like writing in a journal the positives to look forward too and what she’s great full for etc. but she used an app which helps to give ideas how to distract from cutting and celebrates how many days cut free. That seemed to work best. I removed everything that could cut from her room. Mainly sharpeners. She would use that blade. We made her sit out with us more than spending time in her room alone. She now doesn’t cut but replaced it with an eating disorder..or maybe they went hand in hand. It’s been a very emotional 17 odd months and I think she was so good at hiding things and I think missed so many signs. I thought she was going to tell me she’s a lesbian lol I was soooo far off.

Yes to school as he should get support from pastoral. Also contact your school nurse, school can let you know how to contact them.

Is there any chance he has started taking drugs ? My DS started smoking weed around this age, there was great pressure from his friends.
We kept him busy out of school so he had minimum contact with these boys.

I'm a teacher. I agree there will be quite a few pupils doing this but it is still best to make the school aware. I hope you both get some peace.

Tell school as they need to be aware and may be able to help to take some of the school type pressures off. There is no shame for doing this as it seems to be a coping method for lots of teenagers these days.

Distractions at times of urges can help. Draw, write, phone, listen to upbeat music etc. If breaking the skin put together a small ‘first aid’ box to clean the item used for cutting and the wound to prevent infection. Make sure he knows how to get help if something goes wrong I.e. cuts too deep. If you think removing sharp objects will prevent, it won’t. They find other sharp objects to replace the ones you’ve removed. Accept it’s happening and lessen the stress. I’m not condoning the action but it is sometimes just a phase. 💐

I'd give him some support with homework, see what is expected and let his teachers know if it's too much. Is he at a really pushy school as at 14 ds wasn't doing that much homework (in a very good comp). Are the teachers really pushing them or is he putting the pressure on himself? Would he benefit from moving down a set to reduce the pressure? Would a different school be better for him? I'd definitely have a word with school as the pressure is only likely to get worse with GCSE's. Work out what's available to help him ie counselling, speaking to individual teachers about work load, changing sets or schools etc and then go through the options with him and see what he feels.

Interested to know what possible rationale there could be for not telling school who are spending more waking hours with him than you are?!

Info you need on next steps is here

www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/self-harm/