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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How rude is your 13 year old dd?

22 replies

IkeasMuse · 03/10/2022 09:24

Day to day, on a scale of 1-5 where 5 is super rude, 3 is rude but not overstepping the mark and 1 is relaxed, mild and cooperative.

Mine has become a 4 (going on 5) in the last few weeks. I empathise and I set boundaries. She has starting ranting at me and telling me off loudly for all sorts of things (why haven't I done this or that). I don't take well to being loudly ranted at so will tell her off very firmly when she does this.

I don't like at all here this is going, there is a lot of tension in the house, mainly between me and her 😥.

What do I do and what's it like for you if you have a 12-14 year old? 😬

OP posts:

schwerl · 07/10/2022 15:07

Hmm, I am in this situation at the moment. My DD (13) is a nightmare - but mostly only with me. She is going through some difficulties with anxiety, etc and I am the one who bears the full brunt of her attitude. We reguarly fall out, and it is always me who 'bossess everyone around', or ' doesnt get it' 🙄

DH is a bit wet in all honesty, and inevitably is causes a lot of friction ebtween us all.

I dont have any useful advice, but I wanted to let you know you certainly werent alone. I had a big chat with a friend recently and she admitted her homelife is very much the same, for very similar reasons.

Im hoping this is just a phase..

arethereanyleftatall · 07/10/2022 15:07

Sorry.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/10/2022 15:08

Not sure why one came out as a spot.

Chdjdn · 07/10/2022 15:12

3 the majority of the time; 4 to her dad and 5 when hormonal or told no about something! We also have a toddler and the approach is not dissimilar from us; calm reminder that there’s no need to speak to us in this way, that we won’t engage in conversation with her while she is being rude and that she’s not going to get to do the things she wants to do while she is being rude and sticking to that.

Chdjdn · 07/10/2022 15:13

I also take the approach that we have to ride these years out and try and see the funny side with DH

Wayohh · 07/10/2022 15:14

4/5

She has anxiety issues and stresses alot. She is perfect at school and takes her frustration out at home. She's awful sometimes and has made me cry on occasion.

My sons are all 1s though 😂

newmum1976 · 07/10/2022 15:15

I have a 13 and 14 year old DD. 13 is a 2/3, 14 year old a 2. They were worse when 12 year olds 🤪

MissyB1 · 07/10/2022 15:16

I have a 13 year old (ds though not dd). Most days he would be number 2 or 3 on the scale. It would be rare he would ever reach a 4 or 5 but it has been known to happen.

I would say keep on doing what you are doing, drawing the line and adressing it firmly every time she steps over it. It's a very tricky age!

VeridicalVagabond · 07/10/2022 15:17

Mercifully mine has been a consistent and perpetual 1. She's 15 currently, still got my fingers crossed that she'll stay a 1!

aModernClassic · 07/10/2022 15:17

I guess 3/4 most of the time. We've recently found out she's vaping and lying to us quite a bit. So I'm finding it hard, as the trust has gone from our relationship.

Whatwouldscullydo · 07/10/2022 16:02

I have an 11 very nearly 12 year old if that counts and she is driving me up the wall.

Shes not rude as In the stuff she says. More in the sense of ignoring me all the bloody time and thinking it's ok to waste my time and inconvenience everyone in the house by taking forever to do anything she's asked.

The darvo tactics are a sight to behold. Somehow she's the victim because she's in trouble. The trouble is nothing ro do with repeatedly refusing to do anything and screaming at me when she finally does it. ( usually after having ro be asked 5 times , it taking an hour and a half to have a shower and having her phone removed in the process )

I'd give her a about a 4

warofthemonstertrucks · 07/10/2022 16:28

Well she's 15 now but at 13 she was a 5 most days, 4 if we were lucky, and a 3 for maybe ten minutes a week. I didnt enjoy that time of life at all.

MovinOnUp · 07/10/2022 16:34

The majority of the time.

She's ventured into 3. territory occasionally but so far I've been able to shut it down.

I'm under no illusion that it's always going to be this good.

newmum1976 · 07/10/2022 16:37

This is quite a good read. Compassion and compromise has helped us (so far 😬), and not being too strict.
www.newportacademy.com/resources/restoring-families/dealing-with-difficult-teenage-daughters/

PinkyU · 07/10/2022 16:47

A predictable 1, has very rarely been a 2.

We do actively encourage our dc to challenge us, to disagree if they feel it’s just and to negotiate if they feel strongly about a topic. We want to avoid expected compliance, particularly in girls, we want to provide a safe environment to practice disagreements and and saying “no”.

All of the above is done with absolute mutual respect. My eldest is in her 20’s and this approach has served us well and avoids the power struggles typical for this period.

twordle · 07/10/2022 16:50

2-3 here, she's nearly 15 tho. Between 10-12 she was a 5. 13 a 3-4. I got through it by reading up on the theory that they have to rubbish / dislike you in order to separate from you.. the closer the initial bond, the harsher the process. Try really hard to not engage with it beyond pointing out its rude - some will disagree but I found clamping down on it caused it to snowball, they're looking for a battle, try not to give them one. It's not a reflection of your parenting or that they are turning into an entitled brat, it's just a natural part of asserting themselves in a safe environment.

exhaustedandoverthis · 07/10/2022 17:17

Whatwouldscullydo · 07/10/2022 16:02

I have an 11 very nearly 12 year old if that counts and she is driving me up the wall.

I'd give her a about a 4

Is my DD living with you? This is exactly what my 11 yo is like. 14 yo DD is mostly a 1 and briefly goes to a 3/4 in her sisters company or when she feels the rest of us are being unfair. We are very lucky so far. 11 yo is going to be a different experience at 13 onwards 😱

Whatwouldscullydo · 07/10/2022 17:21

You mean there's 2 of them? 😱

BaconAndAvocado · 08/10/2022 08:38

Our DD14 is mostly a 4 but can be a rare 1 with me which I thoroughly relish when it happens!
Depending on whether you class one word answers to everything as rude or not, DS15 is a 1 for the vast majority of the time.

nobird · 10/10/2022 18:46

My 12 year old DD is becoming really rude. She’s entering the phase my nearly 17 year old DD is growing out of. I really hoped she wasn’t going to follow the pattern but each day I get another glimpse of it.

I recently read Get Out of My Life (But First Take Me and Alex into Town) and it helps a lot. This is typical, normal development, even though it feels horrible at times.

Learningstill · 10/10/2022 18:57

I’ve had a DD who was a 5 for a year or so.she is now married to a wonderful man and a perfect mother to my two granddaughters. Her home is clean, tidy and happy unlike her teenage room. She is my friend. Just grit your teeth and smile, set boundaries but be supportive and you and DD will get to the other side. Puberty is horrid.

fatisnotafeeling · 10/10/2022 19:24

DD1 who is 20 was a 1 her whole life, DD2 who is 12 is about a 2 I would say, we get the occasional glimpse of attitude/rudeness to us but a 3-4 with her brother who is 10, they cannot speak to each other nicely at all.

I want to go back to toddler days when they were super cute and mostly did as they were told.

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