I’ve just reread this - apologies for thinking post but I feel like my heart hurts and could really do with some advice to help our DD.
I’m here in desperation as I don’t know how to help our yr 9 daughter.
In spring this year she broke up with a boy with whom she had been girlfriend/boyfriend since the end of year 6. It was nothing serious obviously given their age, but they did care for each other and enjoyed spending time together. She broke it off as she had a crush on a girl at school (though tbh the boy had been spending more and more time with friends (quite right aged 12) so it was fizzling out anyway).
DD told the girl she had a crush on by way of making the girl guess who it was who had a crush on her. The girl did not take well to the crush or the way of being told.
DD was outed at school by the ex. Having a crush on the girl ruined the friendships within that friendship group.
DD began to experience anxiety and then decided she was gender fluid followed by demi-girl, girlflux and finally non-binary, wanting to go by they/them and change name.
DD is desperate to “fix” things with the girl and their wider friendship group despite the girl and another girl who had been her best friend for some time excluding her from conversations and activities.
The ex is making life difficult by making sexuality jokes and gender jokes and sharing text messages DD sent him when they were boyfriend/girlfriend.
DD has good friends in another friendship group from her form and I’m encouraging her to spend time with them but I feel she is pursuing the other group at the expense of this one.
Im heartbroken as I don’t know how to help her. I feel her current identification as non-binary is a result of her anxiety and her wishing to create a new persona to distance herself from what happened with the girl when she told her she had a crush (possibly also to find a sense of community having been treated badly by the friendship group). DD has never before this time expressed any tense dysphoria. We have allowed they/them pronouns at school but have said that a name change is too much, too soon. We want to be supportive but also protect her from rushing into something that could be hard to back out of if desired at a later date. Conversations with her about gender identity end in arguments as she does not want to discuss it. For my part, I feel that she should just be herself and not put a label on herself.
Having been outed DD now wears rainbow badges on her blazer lapels as she is “proud”. I have tried to say that this might be off-putting to some (note, I have no issue whatsoever with her being gay but worry that it might make some girls feel uncomfortable, especially at an age when many want to be like everyone else).
We are getting DD some help for anxiety.
How do I persuade DD to leave the toxic friendship group and focus on the other group where there are no issues? What do I do about the ex who is being a little sh*t quite frankly? How do I get DD to see that asserting “I’m not a girl” won’t change anything? I want to see her old spark and self-worth back. I am bereft at the effect the last six months have had on our wonderful child.