Lonely Year 9 DD - anyone else?

[3totheright4totheleft]

Just hoping for advice/reassurance here. 13yr old DD is lonely. She's in a large friendship group at school but she's never been an integral member of the group. She views these girls as her friends but is becoming increasingly aware that they organise to meet up without her, and although she's quite resilient it's starting to get to her. She specifically asked if she could do Halloween with them and was told no. She does do an external activity which is a huge part of her life and has no problems there - it's her tribe. It's at school where she struggles. I just want her to have a couple of nice friends who really are her friends! These ones she's with at the moment wouldn't even notice if she wasn't there. Can anyone reassure me that as they move into GCSE choices it'll get better? She has tried Student Support but I'm not sure they can really help.

Year 9 and 10 are such difficult years for girls ime.

My dd too was in a similar position. She was miserable.

She stopped trying so hard. She focussed on making friends with individual girls who weren't part of the "popular" group.

In fact, she decided that being part of a group of friends wasn't for her anyway as she saw it was quite toxic with one or two alpha girls dictating and controlling who could be in the group and who should be excluded from time to time.

Can she cultivate more friends outside of school too?

My dd had the same and tbh it didn’t get better but now in year 10 she minds less. It is a really hard one. I had two or three good friends in secondary so never minded not being in gangs but she doesn’t even have that.

It's good to hear she's not alone. I know she'll have a better time when she's older - I was invisible/unpopular at school and was amazed when I went to college at how nice people could be.
@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp yes I'm trying to encourage her friendship with another girl in a different class, where they've connected over a shared interest.
She misses her primary school, especially the boys, oddly enough.

My DD had a hard time with friends, culminating in leaving the group altogether in Y9 - she describes it as toxic. She’s found a mixed group of boys and girls to be better, and in fact seems to be closer to the boys than the girls in her new friendship group - she says they are easier & more fun.

does your DD do any lunchtime clubs etc?

This is my ds exactly, so it's not just girls. The 'alpha' boys in his group are the football lads and he doesn't play so is always on the fringes. I don't know if it will get better, but we're just trying encourage him to focus on his hobby and make other friends outside of the school group.

Weirdly, the main alpha female of my dd's year friendship is no longer queen in year 11. Nobody is leaving her out per se but it was when she tried to say who could and couldn't come to a gathering at a swimming lake that made scale fall from scone girls' eyes.

So things can change a lot.

I hope your dd can start to forge more friendships and not take the exclusions to heart. I hope she understands it is unkind and says a lot about the people doing the excluding.

So tough but so common.

Your poor DS. Year 9 is the year it often does get very difficult with friendships. I'd agree with the advice of seeking out different girls. I was dumped by a 'best' friend in Yr 9 - ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me as I 'had' to sit next to a relatively new girl and gradually realised how funny and great she was. Close friends forever, she's been there for me all my life and vice versa.
Sorry slight digression 😊but sending hugs and good vibes to your Dd.

She is not alone. What I would do is invite her friends from her activity over for a Halloween party. Nothing major you can make some hot dogs and label them as witches fingers, some non alcoholic strawberry daiquiri and say that it is witches blood. Paint some jars like garlic jars with 1 pound paint as pumpkins or vampires. Get some fairy lights up even xmas lights who cares. Rip up some old sheets and put them over old dolls and stand them outside or on the stairs that's creepy. Get balloons and drape a white sheet over each one and hang from the ceiling to be ghosts and cut up black bags into string and hang over the doorway. Then let her invite all her activity friends in fancy dress! Take loads of pics , music , let them sleep over if possible I know Halloween is a Monday but you could do that Saturday before. Show her she doesn't need those nasty girls in school and she is valued outside much more

@DistrictCommissioner yes, at long last they have started a club in her main interest, so I'm hoping she'll connect with people through that. Her other school club doesn't involve any kind of teamwork and all her 'friends' are already in it.
Thanks to everyone who has posted for the advice and sympathy. It's really knocked the joy out of life, watching her struggle.

There we go invite her new friends from her new club that will bring them closer together. She may be struggling now and it's damn right hard but it's not for long and 6th form is a game changer especially if she chooses to go to one that's not attached to her school. Maturity levels really do impact fast and she WILL find people she gets on with and where there is a mutual respect. Even if it's one or two friends

Just re read this post and realise she gets on with boys! There's the problem the girls are Jealous that boys like her they probably like her in her year now and that really grinds on girls. Be proud that your child is resilient and that she's obviously a genuine girl that's why the boys like her, boys don't have time for bitchiness

Is this an all-girls school? Sometimes boys make the atmosphere more easy-going. My daughter is also friends with loads of boys from her school. If it's co-ed, could she get friendlier with the boys if the girls are mean?