15 year old beside herself

[CeltictigerMum]

I have a 15 year old daughter who has struggled socially the whole way through school. Any group she has been friends with have eventually after a few months isolated her and either been nasty and taken the micky out of her, called her names, bitched about her or been two faced. I've had most of these kids round over the years for playdates, parties or sleep overs. She rarely gets invited back. She's the youngest in her year, being an August baby. She is pretty, bright and sporty . She is a very kind child, and very empathetic ( I have two more girls and I admit one of the others has an edge to her, so I am not being biased and praising her blindly ). She came home from school again today in floods of tears, she feels extremely out of things, like she doesn't belong. She has a few single friends who are lovely, and have been consistent ( but their main groups will not include my daughter) all along. It is her GCSE year and she is just devastated, I worry that this social issue will overshadow everything for her. She does sport and has a few friends at those clubs but nothing solid. The school has dealt with any bullying, but I feel they may be jaded by the constant issues. I realise girls can be catty, but this has carried on for years, with various groups. I can honestly say though she is a kind, loving , fun child and I'm afraid a lot of this has been knocked out of her, as she is disillusioned and upset. Almost depressed. Any advice much appreciated.

What I wish someone had done with me at this age was really emphasize how school is a small part of your life and that many adults don't even have any contact with people they went to school with.

It may be that there is an avenue outside of school where she'll find better people but it may also be that she'd be better off focusing on something she can enjoy alone.

I feel for you as this can be a brutal age.

Is she generally oversensitive?

If not, tell her college will be much better and she just needs to hang on in there. If she's oversensitive, she needs to toughen up or this issue will follow her through life.

Like PP says, lots of people aren't friends with anyone from their secondary school days.

Start looking for sixth form college for a change of scene for A Levels, or even another route. Not being funny but I went to a school in secondary where I didn't really have substantive friends, and it really affected me - it wasn't anything major but I felt alone, and any friendship conversations were so surface, all about looks and clothes where I was more books and frankly, nerdy stuff. I then went to a different sixth form and found people who were a lot more 'me' or at least were more accepting of difference.

I do agree that school years are fleeting and often you never see these people again, but equally it's also a key time for social development. If there are options, maybe explore them

Agree 100% with @WhatNoRaisins .

It can be absolutely brutal at school - for me it was basically an ordeal to get through - for your dd soon it will be behind her and she will be moving on to the next phase of her life - 6th form, college, apprenticeship or whatever.

Would it help to encourage her to just focus on her goals, moving forward, doing things she enjoys outside school and definitely completely change setting for post 16....

Is she part of any youth group in your local area? Some churches run them and you don't have to be a church member or believer to go. But what l found was teens were kinder and kids who maybe struggled in school found their own kind. Gaining confidence here enabled them to carry that into school and unfortunately it's that confidence that attracts.
Also if she had one bad experience earlier it may have deeply affected her going forward. Some counselling would help to get to the root of this.

This was exactly my daughter. Every time within a group one girl would take against her and try to turn the others against her, not sure if it was a queen bee thing. She was young in the year and was a bit immature and unworldy in yr7. She had some nice friends, but wasn't accepted into their friendship groups. She has been so depressed about it over the years. Then something odd happened, she failed the first year of sixth form, had to resit a year which at the time she thought was a disaster, much drama, was going to throw in the towel. But the odd thing is she was accepted in the lower year and now has a friendship group. It was like a fresh start. She also has friends outside of school due to a hobby and that has been invaluable.

So I'd suggest do Sixth form somewhere new if possible and join some non school activities.

This is well intentioned but sadly, I’m not sure going to a church group will help this girl any if the other girls get wind of it.

Is she quite reserved? I was quite like this. Lots of friends to a certain level but no real group.

But as I've got older I've realised that a lot of this is about me as much as them.
I don't tolerate the nonsense easily, I didn't want to get involved, wouldn't pander to the queen bee of the group. I'm also okay in my own company some of the time.

These are things that have actually served me okay beyond school. While it would be lovely for her to feel she belongs, talk to her about how little these friendships are likely to mean in a few years. I'd also try and focus on her strengths. Her self reliance, that she won't join a group at any cost. She must have a fairly decent sense of self.
She will probably get on great at uni or in a workplace as she can mix with lots of types of people

Also agree a sixth form for a new start is a good idea.

I would move her if she is in the first year of GCSEs and wait until after her exams if it is her second year, first years have only just started. Or I would allow her to homeschool and do lessons on line - and in small groups locally and mixing with home ed kids, which are usually a lovely inclusive group.

I would not let her endure the bullying and isolation for another solid two years. Yes she will struggle to do well, because she will be too busy stressing and worrying about what will happen at lunch/break/after school/SM to care about her studies. This kind of damage is going so deep op and could ruin her life, some people never recover. So although you can easily resit GCSEs, you can never recover from the internal damage caused by years of bullying.

At some point when she is older she may ask you why you didn't step in and protect her, why did you leave her there day after day at the hands of such awful people? If she is pretty, sweet and kind she will be in real trouble in some settings.

You have done absolutely everything you can to support her, but I am afraid it is often not enough if the ringleaders have decided you are going to be their fodder and you are too nice to defend yourself.

Take her out, give her a fighting chance of passing her GCSEs - look at sixth form options to move her to. Don't let her down on this. She could end up self harming, restricting eating, developing serious mental health problems if she hasn't already. School is not the be all, and end all in life. There are alternatives to the living hell it is for some children.

if any possibility send her to an entirely new school for sixth form away from all those people.

and honestly start therapy and yoga if at all possible now. Don’t let her wait til she’s 35 to start sorting through her emotional baggage.

Being bullied sucks. Literally removes your self esteem bit by bit. it’s basically gaslighting. You say something and the bully kids laugh…but you know you didn’t say anything stupid. And you know if someone else had said it, they wouldn’t have been laughed at. So obviously the conclusion you draw is that there is something fundamentally wrong with YOU.

It is a constant belittling of your existence and then people expect you to just shrug it off because you’ve left school.

Honestly I’d move her. Why be miserable just to be at school? Do online school. Or elsewhere. Facing people who laugh at you every day is just gut wrenching.

sorry to hear you’re facing this dilemma. I imagine your heart breaks for her.

I think I was your daughter once upon a time. It's easy for us to say its such a short period and to battle on through it but when you're in it, it feels never ending and the end of the world.

I decided not to send my own dds to school partially because of the misery I endured. They're doing one day a week and thriving because it isn't all encompassing and they don't burnt out by an inescapable rigmarole.

Try to reassure your dd that although this feels like it's going to last forever, it will be over soon. I hate that, for so many kids, something that that should be a positive (school) is just something that has to be endured and suffered. Not on my watch for mine but I understand that's not an option for everyone.

I agree with a pp, only you know how overwhelmed and burnt out your dd is. Ultimately GCSE's are crumbs compared with her mental health. If it comes to it, she can leave school and sit a couple of important ones at college. I know plenty of kids that are doing just that, even 14 year olds where the provision is available. You need to go with your gut instinct as her parent. You know her better than anyone. 💐

I agree that she should be taken out of this school. Imagine having to go, every day, to a place where you are unhappy. You can let her do online school for GCSEs and then do a sixth form college or an apprenticeship.

We have told her this, yep !

She's a bit sensitive, not overly so. We've also told her she needs to toughen up, believe you me, we've tried all approaches !!

Yes , this is interesting. I wonder would she better off with kids from the year below. She does two clubs outside school, has done for years, and has a few friends, but nothing serious really.

Did you say she has some single friends? Can she not focus on those?
I agree that moving for sixth form is good.

Maybe we should take her out. Scary thought, don't know where to begin with all of it, need to research how to go about homeschooling her / online schooling / how coursework would work. To the pp who mentioned that there is more to life than gcses and school, I absolutely agree , her mental health is much more important .

I guess I have seen the outcome when no action is taken -good luck op

I am so sorry to hear that Kissingfrogs25 . We have tried everything to support, protect , love her. Maybe that is the only way really, to pull her out.if anyone has an experience of gcse home schooling/ resourcesid be interested.
Going forward, next year she will probably be at a 6th form away from school, but likely there will be a lot of kids from her secondary there. I am hoping she will find her tribe there, or maybe not until uni if she goes !! My heart breaks for her.

I know a girl who never want back after cocos lcokdowns for similar reasons to your DD.

She had friends but the groups never accepted her and she didn't gel. Sadly the truth was her single friends preferred the group feeling and would prioritise those over her.

She did online school and HE groups.

Just finished her GCSEs and now started a college. She's having a whale of a time a few weeks in. She's also part of a club (how I know her because ds trains with her).

If it's bullying it's absolutely not acceptable but sometimes it's just a lack of gelling as groups and it because a stuck vicious cycle.

So if she really would prefer a year out to study at home and then attend tertiary elsewhere I've seen it work.

Also they don't need to do 10/11 GCSEs. Just what she needs to for the college study she wants to do.

Focus on GCSE’s and moving forward to college.

I never found my people until I got to sixth form, so there is hope

You can’t focus on GCSEs or anything else if you are being bullied every day 🙄

Op why not start by asking her what she would prefer to stick it out or move to on line lessons? Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know re bad things actually are.
If dd is keen you can put a plan together
Post a separate thread in AIBU to canvas experience of homeschooling at GCSE level - lots of teens have done it since the pandemic
Research your local homeschool face book pages, on line school and extra tutors if you need them to cover certain topics if you can afford it.

My friend uses a renowned international on line school after she pulled out her dd. She said she wished she had done it years ago after her dd was so desperate she has resorted to serious self harm. It’s called Kings Interhigh. There are fees for this one (some are free) but she has had an incredible experience and it’s one of the best in the world apparently.

This is totally what happens, v subtle stuff sometimes. But they just chip away at her.....