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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Authoritarian father making things worse

51 replies

sunshine05 · 30/09/2022 17:36

I'm at my wits end. My 13 year old son is constantly butting heads with my husband. My husbands default is authoritarian parenting- he's overly strict, shouty, constantly threatening if my son is rude or talks back or doesn't do what he's told. I've tried so many times to tell him to do authoritative- I've given him information but as soon as he gets angry it all goes out the window.

I'm in tears again tonight as my son has basically pushed back as soon as he saw his dad cranking up the pushiness and ordering him to do stuff. My son is a good person, his behaviour at school is excellent but I can see the way my husband is, is taking its toll on him.

Its causing huge arguements between us as he thinks I'm permissive and soft. I'm not I just want to parent firmly but with love. Without threats and anger and arguements. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of times when I lose my rag but at least I'm trying. We also have 2 other boys - 11 and 8 but they have never been as much of a challenge.

My hubby is a typical first born perfectionist and has such high expectations of everyone. I just don't know how else to get it through his skull that his style of parenting isn't working. And worse than that it's affecting his relationship with the eldest. I also know authoritarian parenting causes low self esteem and anger in kids and I can see that in my son. It just all makes me so so sad and frustrated.

OP posts:

MeridasMum · 12/10/2022 23:11

sunshine05 · 12/10/2022 22:52

WhatsAVideo well his family are massively into cards/games. They love to play with the grandkids (my family are so different 😂) so it's not that he can't watch tv its just that the tv series DS watches he always watches with DH so there just won't be the time do to that

But this is crazy! For 2 weeks?? Your DH can't find a couple of hours out of 2 weeks to have done 1:1 time with his child? I can't fathom this at all!

The grandparents surely won't insist on playing cards every minute of the day. People need some down time.

Your DH should feel bloody lucky that his DS still wants to share this with him, given his behaviour. Bizarre!!!

WhatsAVideo · 12/10/2022 23:42

Sorry OP but I don’t see why the kids lives should be interrupted to the extent that there isn’t 1 hour a week to do this. Madness.

TeaMoreToast · 13/10/2022 00:15

A teenager wants to watch TV with a parent? Many wouldn't! Your DH should be carving out time for that, he's lucky his son wants to spend time with him.

It does seem a 'my way of the highway' for your DH, like he sees DS as an extension of himself and not his own individual.

One thing I found really helped my DC dad is a reminder that teenage brains are re-wiring. They are self centered and really do feel the world is caving in when things don't go their way. In the same way a toddler feels overwhelmed if their pear isn't cutted up right. Our job is to be calm and help them navigate those feelings, not shout. You wouldn't shout at the toddler, so why shout at a teenager.

Obviously teens are much better at winding you up, so some shouting is probably inevitable. We found being calm and using low voices really helped. DC dad said imagining the teen as having toddler level emotional reactions (obviously never said to the teen!) really helped him see that the teen wasn't (always) trying to be tricky.

Geppili · 13/10/2022 00:38

Why can he not watch TV when his grandparents are staying? Just why?

Original poster

sunshine05 · 13/10/2022 19:57

Yeah I don't know- when I see it written down it seems stupid that he can't watch tv when the grandparents are here. I agree, 2 weeks of us playing cards every night is going to drive me crazy for a start. But seriously, when we go away on holiday (we'll be away staying in a cottage for a week) there will be no tv in the evenings just games and cards and the kids have done it before and enjoyed it. But probably will be some tv in the morning or on a rainy afternoon a film etc. So it's not that strict. I think DH is just being a knob tbh. I may have a word with him at some point about him still watching tv with them - like you say, it's time with him and them and why can't they do that as well as the cards etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

sunshine05 · 13/10/2022 20:00

TeaMoreToast yes exactly that! I feel like he treats him as an extension of himself- he is really tough on himself and DS, he expects so much of himself and DS, he pushes himself and DS- mainly because DS is very athletic and competitive too. They're very similar.

I like the toddler teen comparison! I totally see that sometimes lol! But again, it's always me telling him that DS is acting this way 'because..' not to justify his actions or 'be soft' on him but to explain to DH maybe DS isn't being like this to piss him off, maybe it's because he's a teenager and his brain doesn't work the same way as a fully grown adult!

OP posts:

GoldenOlden · 16/10/2022 13:32

Can I just check that I've understood the TV thing? DS can still watch TV, it's DH who is planning not to, and as there is a programme they watch together, that particular one is on hold until the guests leave?

Going against the grain here- to me that seems ok. I wouldn't generally watch TV if I had guests staying- we'd usually play games or chat instead. It may not be what everyone does but it's definitely within the realms of normal and I don't think waiting to watch one TV show is a huge hardship. It doesn't seem particularly authoritarian to me to skip one show for a fortnight and then catch up together- maybe more formal than some people would be in not watching telly while guests are staying, but not a big deal.

Obviously ignore me if I have misunderstood.

Pinpot · 16/10/2022 13:34

My dad was like your DH, OP, but completely mellowed when we grew up. We have a good relationship but we will never be close as he wants us to be and I will never really understand why he made my teenage years so painful. So maybe ask your DH - what adult relationship does he want? And how can he go about building it now.

Redqueenheart · 16/10/2022 14:39

What exactly is your partner complaining about?

If you have a kid who is doing well at school and is basically a decent boy I don't see the rational for the constant shouting and threats.

Your son is 13 and it is fairly normal for a teenager to push back a bit.

Your husband sounds like a fragile bully who has issue with the fact that your son is growing up and he might somehow be threatened by it.

This is not a healthy environment for your son to be in. Because the arguments are only going to escalate if your husband shows anger at your son without any kind of real justification.

If there were some major issues about your son's school record, truancy or drug/alcohol use it would be different but your husband cannot expect a teenager to be a perfect little adult.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about how this is affecting you and that you expect him to control his anger.

Because I think you are being a bit too passive about this if I am honest. You have two more boys so it is the time to stop this before it because a routine that your husband thinks it is OK to interact with his sons in this way.

Thereisnolight · 16/10/2022 14:50

The no TV for two weeks thing seems a bit much. Were your DH’s parents very strict and is he still worrying about what they will think when they’re with you?

As pp have said, having two parents with differing styles isn’t necessarily bad. Your DS can learn (with your help and insight) why your DH does this and how to deal with it. Make him aware that adults get things wrong and it can be hard to change who we are but your DH does love him - it does seem as if he does, warts and all.

Maybe show your DH some alternative ways of dealing with scenarios - maybe a role play on YouTube? Work on them both - it seems that you have inherited the peacekeeper role but look, you sound capable and if they love each other deep down (and if they love you) it’s probably worth it.

SenecaFallsRedux · 16/10/2022 15:20

I am another one concerned about the TV thing. Can't DH just say to his parents, on x night(s) DS and I watch this program together. We'd like you to join us or if not, we'll play cards after?

Also, I know it's easy for me to say, but the shouting thing is really not on, in my opinion.

SheilaFentiman · 16/10/2022 23:56

Soo tricky

Quitelikeit · 17/10/2022 00:06

Ask your husband to imagine ds is a giant toddler (which actually your husband is)

TheSmallAssassin · 17/10/2022 00:07

For me, @GoldenOlden, it's more that OP's son doesn't even get to express his annoyance, I would listen and sympathise instead of squashing him down. I don't think there is anything wrong with missing out on a TV show for a couple of weeks, but "Well, how about me not seeing my parents" could be "Yes, I'll miss watching it with you too, but think how much my parents will love spending time with all of us"

GoldenOlden · 17/10/2022 09:55

TheSmallAssassin · 17/10/2022 00:07

Totally agree- I just think that the thing itself isn't unreasonable. It does sound as if the father is approaching interactions with the son as combative rather than cooperative and maybe needs a bit of a reset.

Original poster

sunshine05 · 18/10/2022 14:36

GoldenOlden the father doesn't ever approach the kids in a cooperative way. It's not 'would you like to' or 'please can you'. He orders them around. I've even told him that the kids will be far more cooperative if we give them options, discuss things with them rather than telling them to do stuff. He takes in what I've said then goes back to his old ways again 🙄

And I told you what happened when I told him outright he has to stop comparing them to eachother (to try to reduce sibling rivalry) I was wound up and I said it quite forcefully. He said don't you ever talk to me like that again- like I was being disrepsectful. WTAF? I was shocked to say the least. He has some kind of 'I'm the boss' thing going on that , maybe now I'm menopausal I'm not prepared to put up with. Things are good again at the moment (maybe with the inlaws around there's less likelihood of arguements) but I'm still not feeling hopeful for the future as I will stick up for my kids (Redqueenheart I will always stick up for them).

His shouting is always because of something. He doesn't just randomly shout at them- as I said earlier somewhere it'll be because of disrespect (talking back) rude comments or if they're being deliberately naughty or refusing to go to their rooms if they've done something wrong. But I know that we can handle it firmly without shouting- he just gets angry and can't control it. He takes their bad behaviour so personally like it's reflected on him somehow- which is totally not conducive to being able to rationally deal with it and dish out consequences in a calm and fair way.

OP posts:

Original poster

sunshine05 · 18/10/2022 14:38

what I meant in that last rambling bit is I know we can handle it firmly without shouting- if only he'd try a bit bloody harder to!!

OP posts:

GoldenOlden · 18/10/2022 14:45

He said don't you ever talk to me like that again- like I was being disrepsectful. WTAF?

I think this is the worst thing on the thread. Bloody hell. I wouldn't put up with that either.

Notimetothink · 18/10/2022 14:46

Was your DH parented this way by his father? If so, what is their relationship like? If it’s not good maybe try explain to your DH that his relationship with DS may end up the same way, and perhaps suggest it’s time to break the mould otherwise history will repeat itself. It takes time to change behaviour and this may be all your DH knows for father/son relationships.
There’s a good book called How to talk so your Children will listen, and Listen so Your Children Will talk. I can also recommend Raising Boys but I can’t remember the author

Notimetothink · 18/10/2022 14:49

Having said that, he’s got to want to improve things…

Original poster

sunshine05 · 18/10/2022 15:28

Notimetothink he gets on with his father now. I wouldn't say they're really close but they get on ok. His sister is similar to him...she's just going through a divorce now....

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Original poster

sunshine05 · 18/10/2022 15:31

I've got that book- how to talk to your children...I remember going ah! and highlighting stuff and showing DH.....and he read it, then went back to his old ways. Seriously- nothing works!! argh. I have heard of Raising Boys- it's on my list of books I want to get

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Original poster

sunshine05 · 18/10/2022 15:34

GoldenOlden yeah it wasn't a good moment. He's not done that before....not sure if it's the sign of things to come but I won't put up with him getting all 'I'm the boss' either.

back to the kids though...I think the core thing here (the reason he acted that way with me too) is if they're ever disrespectful he has this fear that if he doesn't come down on them hard then they'll keep disrespecting him and he'll lose his control over them. that's just my theory....

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Theskyisfallingdown · 18/10/2022 16:01

What a dreadful man, your posts are horrifying to read. Save up for therapy for them, being made to live with a bully is so damaging. Your posts repeatedly say how the man is not interested in not being a bully, so your poor kids are going to have to live with the results of him.

Original poster

sunshine05 · 18/10/2022 16:18

Theskyisfallingdown he's not a 'dreadful man'. You can't possibly know what he's like from what I've written here. He's also loving, passionate about his family and supportive of me whilst I'm studying. He also takes the kids to clubs, supports them in everything they do and helps them with their homework, plays with them on the weekends and reads with them at bedtime. But yes he is also competitive, impatient and gets angry too easily. No-one is perfect. I appreciate constructive support on here but not those who can't see a balanced view.

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