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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Should I be worried about new university student DS?

12 replies

R0BYN · 28/09/2022 21:02

I don’t know if I should be worried about DS’s very intense relationships with his first GF. Or if Ive just forgotten what its like to be young and in love.

DS and his GF are both 18 , have just left school and started university earlier this month.

I’ll call them Jack and Ellie ( not their real names!).

They were at school together, have been dating for about 6 months. Allegedly only serious for about 2 months. They have spend a lot of time together this summer, basically all their free time when they weren’t at work .

Ellie goes to university the city where we live and Jack studies in Unitown, about a two hour journey away.

This is what has happened since Jack moved away a few weeks ago for Freshers Week.

day 1 he moves into Halls in Unitown.

day 3 he is apparently bored and lonely so he does the 4 hour round trip back to Hometown to see Ellie

days 6-8 Ellie goes to stay with him in his halls in Unitown for the weekend.

day 11 they meet up for the evening in a town halfway between both towns. Neither can stay over as they both have classes.

days 13-15 Jack comes home for the weekend and spends nearly all of the time with Ellie.

Jack says he is going to his classes but has only tried / joined one club / society/ sport , despite a lot of encouragement from us. He says nothing appeals to him.

He’s spoken to a couple of students on his course but not made any friends or had a beer / coffee/ pizza with anyone, again despite lots of encouragement.

I’m a bit worried that Jack is not even trying to engage with university life. I know can be hard, but it’s not going to get easier if he's spending all his free time either with Ellie in Unitown or travelling back to see her in Hometown.

OP posts:
Suprima · 28/09/2022 21:07

I can see why you are worried but It’ll be his mistake to make

i did the same with a boyfriend I met the summer before uni- didn’t leave university with a solid group of friends and really struggled in my early twenties because of this. Felt like a bit of a loser as all of my friends were joint friends. I still exchange Instagram pleasantries with a couple of people from university- but no one was my bridesmaid and no big group holidays.

but I still got my degree and learned a lesson- found my tribe a few years later but it still makes me sad about it.

don’t interfere - it’ll run it’s course or it won’t. It’s up to him.

PaperPalace · 28/09/2022 21:10

I agree with you OP. But he probably needs to learn this himself!

Leakingroofagain · 28/09/2022 21:12

Agree I can see why you're worried but what can you do? If you suggest he spends less time with her he will dig his heels in.

Mind you I met my dh in the first week of uni and yes it probably meant I don't have the 'tribe' people talk about but actually we are both insular people and very happy without one.

Original poster
R0BYN · 28/09/2022 21:24

I’m not said one single word about this to Ds. It’s not as if he would listen to me anyway. And he would just interpret it as my not liking Ellie. Which isn’t true at all, I do like her.

But if they don’t start investing some time and energy in uni then they won’t get the most out of the whole experience.

I keep telling myself it’s early days yet. But I’m a bit of a worrier as you can tell.

OP posts:
goldfinchonthelawn · 28/09/2022 21:25

I might suggest that they take turns to visit each other at weekends and get to know each other's new friends, but during the week, join societies, focus on work and catch up with each other by text and Zoom.

DS fell in love this summer with someone at a uni in another town,. They seem to have spent half this month planning how to see each other all the time. I think it's very sweet. But he's not a fresher so has established friendship groups. I'd be more worried if, like your DS, he hasn;t yet made friends. (Though few people make close friends with the people they hang out with in their first term, so I wouldn't worry too much)

surreygirl1987 · 28/09/2022 21:29

I can see why you're worried but I don think there's anything you can do except let it run its course.

TokyoTen · 28/09/2022 21:34

I was like this at the start of year 2 as I met my bf in the summer holidays. We travelled between his uni town and mine for 2 years (3.5 hours journey each way). We are still together 27 years later with 2 adult DC now at uni. He has to make his own way a d it's his mistake to make.

Suprima · 28/09/2022 21:36

R0BYN · 28/09/2022 21:24

I’m not said one single word about this to Ds. It’s not as if he would listen to me anyway. And he would just interpret it as my not liking Ellie. Which isn’t true at all, I do like her.

But if they don’t start investing some time and energy in uni then they won’t get the most out of the whole experience.

I keep telling myself it’s early days yet. But I’m a bit of a worrier as you can tell.

But it’s really none of your business to worry about. I get it, I really do- but just block it out.

if you’re funding him and he’s not attending seminars and scraping 2:2s in essays- fair enough, but the social stuff is nothing to do with you

but if he’d rather be with Ellie than having a beer with Simon from poker soc or Chad from the floor downstairs- that’s on him. You can’t dictate his social life. There is no ‘right’ way to uni. He may regret this, like I did- or he won’t.

InfiniteMonkies · 28/09/2022 23:42

but if he’d rather be with Ellie than having a beer with Simon from poker soc or Chad from the floor downstairs- that’s on him. You can’t dictate his social life. There is no ‘right’ way to uni.

I do agree with this - you can't actually make him have a beer with Simon from Poker society either. I found the start of uni really hard to make friends (the forcedness was awful) and was so pleased to be able to see my sister a lot - new friends will happen naturally. Having a relief from the forcedness of university actually made it easier in the long run I think.

DistrictCommissioner · 29/09/2022 14:55

i did this too - I do regret it but I wouldn’t have listened. I did come out of uni with solid friends but they were from my course & more of a slow burn than making friends in halls.

Original poster
R0BYN · 29/09/2022 19:12

InfiniteMonkies · 28/09/2022 23:42

but if he’d rather be with Ellie than having a beer with Simon from poker soc or Chad from the floor downstairs- that’s on him. You can’t dictate his social life. There is no ‘right’ way to uni.

I do agree with this - you can't actually make him have a beer with Simon from Poker society either. I found the start of uni really hard to make friends (the forcedness was awful) and was so pleased to be able to see my sister a lot - new friends will happen naturally. Having a relief from the forcedness of university actually made it easier in the long run I think.

I’m not under any illusions that I can make him do anything.

But if Ellie is the only friend he has and she lives a 2 hours drive away, how will he enjoy his time at uni? Simon from poker soc and chad from the floor downstairs are still people to talk to during the week / exam time / anytime he can’t Come home for the day because he’s bored.

And he can go and get drunk with Simon if / when he and Ellie split up. Which statistically is very likely to happen.

OP posts:
BarbedButterfly · 02/10/2022 11:30

It is his uni experience and it is up to him. I did similar, met someone and spent all my time with them and don't regret it, though we did split. I made friends during lectures that I still speak to now, but to be fair, I was never one for going out really anyway.

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