Advice on 13 year old DS making friends

[ThisWomansWorkNeverEnds]

My 12 year old DS has always been quiet. He has a friend from the start of primary school who is basically unreliable. Although this boy has been round at our house numerous times, my DS has never been invited to his, the excuse being there is no room. It wouldn't bother DS. My DS has had other friends over the years but always seems to be "dropped" then ignored. Another friend was asked round recently but he didn't turn up which I think is really rude.
Taking him to school today, it looks like these 2 boys were ignoring him which has upset. He is a lovely boy, polite and well mannered.
I've tried to get him into football teams but he wasn't picked which really knocked his confidence. I've tried other groups which he didn't like although he now quite likes golf.
I know I've been overprotective with him, my DD has good friends although there has been issues with others in the past.
I think I'm basically asking for advice on making him more confident. He would sit in all weekend watching TV unless I organised things. I tell him to contact friends then they don't bother getting back to him. I feel like I'm failing him as a mother.

Any advice would be good! I'm probably oversensitive as well as I was very shy as a teenager but always made myself do things. I've obviously got a lot better over the years although do have self esteem issues at times.
Maybe I'm trying too hard, I've invited boys over to our house, been friendly with their mothers, asked them over etc but it's never reciprocated.

Sorry have put at start son is 12, he is 13.

Ah, it's a tricky age for boys (girls I think maybe go through it a bit younger), some of them are still very childlike for want of a better word and others are very much more mature and want more 'grown-up' relationships and it can lead to mismatches and breaking up of previous friendships. E.g. if some like your DS are still very much led by their parents and into organised events and activities whereas others have moved to more of a casual teenage hanging out phase. I'd also say it's totally normal esp nowadays for kids his age to prefer to be at home and watch TV or game or be on social media than want to be out physically interacting... It def doesn't sound like you've failed as a mother!

I think keep doing all the things you are, encourage hobbies and interests outside of school, be there for him and encourage him to talk, model healthy friendships and ways of interacting to him (does he ever see you and/or his dad with your friends?), maybe talk to him in a casual way about how you were shy as a teenager and how you overcame it. Give him lots of encouragement and (subtle, no need to embarrass him!) praise of his positive qualities, particularly things like kindness, politeness etc. He may just grunt at you and not really seem to open up or even be listening but it probably all goes in anyway.

Hard as it try not to panic or show him you are worried, if he gets it into his head he's 'not normal' or similar or you are comparing him unfavourably to his sister (I know you aren't but a kid could interpret it that way) it could have a more negative effect. I find with most kids (SEN aside) with plenty of love and gentle encouragement they get there and find their own way, for plenty of them social skills need to be actively learnt just like other things, and for some it takes longer than others just like with all other stages (walking/talking/potty training etc), my eldest didn't really have any close friends until she got to uni but is really happy now. School can just be too small and insular for some kids and emotionally they may not really be ready for proper adult friendships until their later teens so so long as he's happy don't worry too much... Good luck!

@maxelly thank you so much for your lovely reply. I think I'm feeling emotional this morning after seeing that those 2 boys who are supposed to be friends looked like they were ignoring him. Also another weekend of him hanging about the house.
It's interesting you said about me and his dad having friends, we had mutual friends we don't see anymore due to issues, which is basically DH felt let down by his friend who ironically was unreliable too. We both have our own friends that we see individually, although I had a friend round for lunch last week when the kids were at school. We both work shifts and weekends and sometimes see family although it's hard. DH is bad for not making an effort to be honest, we need to both make an effort to get out and meet people.
There are kids his same age hanging about the shops, park etc which he wouldn't do. In the past I've actually driven him to park and dropped him off just to get him out! I will look out for more clubs for him to go to. Thanks again!

Have you tried other groups. My son doesn't appear to have nay close friends, only has one that comes round that we've known since a baby.

Doesn't get invited out anywhere either really. I've always worked long hours and think that has had something to do with it as could never have playdates when younger. Plus he is, unfortunately, the stereotypical only child to some degree. Great with adults, no so good with his own peer group.

He goes to scouts, sailing and sea cadets and really enjoys these, loads of activities etc. My son is not very good at the typical boy things like football. He's made some friends at these even though we only see them when he goes to them, if that makes sense.

@fortheloveofflowers thanks, yes going to look into other groups. He is a good swimmer so will look into swimming clubs. I was asking about, there isn't that much around here except martial arts which he did years ago and didn't enjoy. It's a shame about the football, he was keen to join in but never got picked. It was so cliquey as well, the coaches sons always got a game!
DS won't organise things himself either, he always wants me to do everything. That's why I feel it's sort of my fault for doing everything for him! I think will need to try and instill some confidence without being too pushy or overprotective.

My son is part of the local swim club too and enjoys it. Well worth looking about.

I'm a bit militant about chores and him being independent but his clubs is the only thing I organise, I have never really given him an option as wanted him to be mixing with others as there is only me and him. Thankfully he enjoys them all. He's got a week away with Sea Cadets during half term to pass all his rowing certificates 😁

@fortheloveofflowers that's great you DS is going away, I think my DS would benefit from something like that. The school trips were cancelled because of covid, there is one abroad coming up but he doesn't want to go. I think something more local would be good. That's another thing, DD has had sleepovers at her friend's but DS has never been asked to one.
Will definitely look into other clubs. @maxelly and @fortheloveofflowers you both sound amazing mothers!

I would echo what others said and suggest persevering with finding a group activity that your ds will enjoy.
My ds is also 13 and sounds a lot like yours - he has never had a solid group of friends and often seems a bit on the fringes of school groups, but he plays rugby and now had a great group of mates through the rugby club. They have started meeting up a bit outside of the training and matches, and he has been invited to a birthday party this weekend. Most of Sunday is taken up with matches so if he mooches around the house on Saturday it feels ok.

@mamaduckbone that's great your DS has found an activity he enjoys and meeting people. Sounds very much like my DS as well not having a solid group of friends. DS likes golf and has played a few times but he seems to only really knows a couple of people who play it and he wouldn't go and play it on his own. Its limited in the winter as well I suppose.
I'm going to look into the swimming and hope he can get into a club. He doesn't seem interested in rugby although it's a great team sport. I suppose swimming is a more individual sport although he would meet people there. Thanks.

Good luck! I know how heartbreaking it is when you see other groups out and about...I still struggle when I hear that friends who he had at primary school are out and about and not inviting him, but am trying to encourage him to pursue new friendships and facilitating as much as possible.

Op where roughly are you? He sounds like a perfect friend for my ds 12

@mamaduckbone Thanks, yes it's the same with me when I see people from his primary school out and about in a group. Feeling a bit better today, have enquired about a swimming club, think it would be good for him as he enjoys swimming and seems to be quite good.
Also feel a bit better when hear that other mothers are still organising activities for their teenage boys!

@rainbowandglitter that's nice of you to say that, we are in the West of Scotland.

Ah that's a shame. We are East Anglia so complete opposite side to you!

@rainbowandglitter ha ha! That's the great thing about Mumsnet, people are from all over the place! It's good to hear other people's advice.

My 13 year old son is like this, last year he joined the local rowing club, they meet about 5 times a week (we usually make about 4 of the 5). He seems to be in a group of misfits(!) in the rowing club, the ones who have joined randomly for different reasons, not necessarily the rowing fanatics.

My son has just started secondary school, and a rowing club member from 2nd year fist bumped him while passing in the corridor - it sounds so daft, but I was thrilled. He has found a little group through rowing, but also has a wider circle of acquaintances. He has been invited to a few parties.

It's a really full on sport with lots of weekend commitments, but we as a family have decided to commit to it for a few years (and I think it's worth it).

@VatofTea that's lovely your son has met people and is enjoying rowing. Interesting that water sports like sailing and rowing are popular! DS and DD have been kayaking a few times with family, should maybe look into it!
I go to a group that has people from different backgrounds, it's great to mix with people not related to work as well.

The positive ions in large pools of water are good for all of our mental health. I really think water sports in particular are great for anxious kids, there isn't the pressure of the field sports, and there isn't as much pressurized inter-actions from parents on the side lines shouting instructions. Even the simple team work of lifting the boats in and out of the water and keeping the club house tidy is good for all the kids.

It’s a tough age. When my reasonably popular DS was 13 he went through a bad time with his friends but he’s now 18 and has really found some great mates. I think there’s a big discrepancy with maturity/puberty/making a ‘place’ for yourself, it’s tough if you’re more sensitive.
My DS has never really been into football but has found friends who like similar things to him instead. Trying to fit into the ‘football crowd’ was never going to work, but I advise to pursue any hobbies!!

@VatofTea you are right, look at how popular wild swimming has become over the last few years, especially during covid when gyms etc were closed. I'm not a good swimmer, jogging is my thing which kept me sane during covid.
Have spoken to someone about the swimming club and DS says he wants to do it so the wheels are in motion!

@JustDanceAddict I'm glad it's worked out well for your DS. My DS probably seems younger in some ways compared to his peers. He likes gaming and some other stuff but needs to do something physical so hopefully the swimming will work out for now!

Ah it is so tricky. I had this with my DD around this age, she is now 15 and just seems to be finding her feet. She has always found it hard to make the first move, I think. So there are people she likes and who seem to like her, but unless they specifically go out of their way to be her friend she will hold back. It's kind of frustrating as there are other equally shy people who I am sure she would probably get on with well!
DS is 12, nearly 13, and is more outgoing since going to secondary but struggled at primary.
Re football, at least around here a lot of the boys (and their parents!) are obsessed and have been playing seriously since 5 or 6. It would be a hard thing to join just for fun, I think. DS used to play but wasn't that good or that interested and always felt like a spare part. Since, he has found another sport that he prefers and that people aren't so obsessed with, so that is good! We also have groups in our local library like a Pokémon club. Might your DS be interested in that kind of thing?

@ColouringPencils it's true about football being so competitive, it's like they practically have to be at premier league level! What happened to just being able to play a game for fun. It's really put DS off and he would never get into a team now anyway even if he wanted to.
DS wouldn't make the first move with friends either, probably due to confidence. He's not interested in Pokemon, I've asked him if there are any clubs on in the school but there doesn't seem to be or may he's just saying that!