Son started uni & empty nest syndrome

[Mazipan78]

On Friday I helped my 19 year old son move into his uni accommodation. It’s his first year so everything is all new. I’m worrying myself silly, I already miss him, I can’t eat, sleep is affected but I’m trying to play it cool and let him contact me first (I’ve been reading lots of advice online how to cope when they go to uni) as most advice says let them settle in and don’t bombard them with contact. However, I also don’t want to look like I don’t give a damn in what he is doing! My question is how much does your son/daughter contact you and you contact them? What’s acceptable in the first few weeks so we don’t push them away? Then how much contact/visits after that? My son is over 3.5 hours away now he is in uni, never spent more than a week apart and isn’t the best with his messages and keeping up contact even before uni! I’ve no hope really have I and it’s making me feel so low. His course is 4 years and at the moment I feel like I won’t cope for this length of time…

It must be really hard for you! It's lovely that you care so much. Giving him his space in the first few weeks is probably much needed so he can settle in, and then I'm sure he'll reach out to you! Maybe send a few "how's it all going?" texts. I went to uni 5 hours away from home and it was almost like my parents forgot about me.. I had to call them (probably every 2 weeks) but they never came to visit for the whole 4 years (masters too). Friends who had healthy relationships with their parents had them visiting about twice a year I would say, with weekly catch ups via phone. Good luck, you'll settle into it soon!!

Oh I feel your pain - I've dropped my son at university and he's rubbish at contact.

However I have worked in higher education for 25 years and I can tell you that your child will be having highs and lows right now - often on the same day. It's a big change and they need space to process it.

One piece of advice I heard is to keep in touch via passing on bits of information he's interested in eg if he likes a sport and his team does well make a comment about that. This is instead of the (constant) urge to ask if he's ok - that puts them under pressure as either they are on a high and don't have time to reply or they are are on a low and may feel embarrassed.

I spoke to my son and said I wasn't asking for a huge amount of contact but one call a week would be nice. Also asked him to promise that if he were finding things hard he would speak to me.

In terms of coming home he was here this weekend as it is his birthday only stayed overnight as he was seeing his girlfriend the next day. I won't see him again until end of October at the earliest. But everyone is different and some students come home lots at first and gradually reduce that.

I leave it almost entirely for mine to contact me

I have twins - both lett on the same day - that was a shock. Dd found my phone calls unsettling - they made her homesick - so we just voice-mailed each other at the start. I leave communication up to them - we have a family Whatspp group and we post frequently on that but mostly pics of the dog or nice food - no requirement to respond. They often call on the way to Uni - maybe even a quick Hi. We do have them on Life 360 which helped us deal with the first few weeks - I still had a few panics 😬😂

i'm in the same position and am struggling. Both at once (one after a gap year). It is partly missing them and partly some anxiety. DD2 has really rubbish accomodation which does not help, not so much because it is grotty (which it is) but more because the set-up is not conducive to socialising. She is very sociable but when things are not going as she would like she sometimes has the tendency just to give up trying. SO having initially been more worried about DD1 settling in, i am now a bit worried about this. Quite a few of her friends are on a gap year so if she does not make friends quickly, i can just imagine her giving up trying and asking to start again elsewhere next year.

Both have agreed to a phone call once a week on a Sunday and we also have a family whatsapp group. We post photos of the dog etc or low level news, such as "I bumped into [DD2's] geography teacher today". Both generally respond (DD1 more than DD2) but neither has initiated anything, whereas I would like to see the odd photo of them with friends etc.
I have needed to speak to both a couple of times this week on practical stuff which has been a godsend to me and both have been happy to chat briefly, but have now run out of excuses to call so think it will be the weekly calls going forward. They have also spoken to each other a couple of times.

I am really missing them. I do have a full-time full on job and good group of friends (plus DH and dog!) so it is not like i am now left with lots of free time that i did not have before, but it is difficult to go from seeing them every day (even if briefly some days between my job and their social plans), knowing their friends and having a general idea of what is going on in their lives to this....
Although both were away over the summer and DD1 was away for parts of her gap year, this feels more permanent. Maybe because it is because it is both at once.

My daughter (23) is moving back home tonight for the third time since she left at 18. I'm so over it now!

There is a thread on here with lots of mums with dc's in that year group. We've been in a group since GCSEs but lots of new comers along the way. The current thread is called.....Thread 41 corona cohort. You might find it helpful to join to see how others are coping. I dropped ds2 off a few weeks ago for his first year. I am fine about it though. I miss him of course, but it's his life. As long as he's happy. He doesn't message me much. Ds1 finished university this year. So he's back home. Ds3 is only year 9. So it may be different for me with 2 dc's home. You soon get used to them being gone. Then they come home for a month at Christmas. A month at Easter and 3 months in the summer. It goes quickly.

We have a family whatsapp for cat/dog pics, wordle, recipes etc, and do a sunday brunch call once a fortnight with both DC (wherever they may be) so we keep up-to-date. It's a massive emotional change for us all but so wonderful to see my DC spread their wings. Eldest DC came home from Uni to live at home again and is moving out next week to a flatshare near his new job. Then I will have space to do what I like when I like with all 3DC gone!