Hi all, I'm new here!!
LONG POST WARNING
Back story - I am step mum to a 13 yr old boy. I've been in his life since he was 4, married to his dad for 7 years (together for 9), he only used to stay weekends but always wanted to be with us full time but his bio wouldn't have this at all. As time went on and he got older he stayed more and more, his bio mum had another baby and it all went downhill from there. He was pushed away, not given the time of day etc etc. He started self harming by itching his tongue until it bled and picking his fingers until they also bled. We tried all sorts of things until he was finally given some counselling and the truth came out, all his problems stemmed from his bio mum and her partner. He is also very behind of where he should be education wise (had been since year1 but bio mum and school never listened to our concerns regarding his education and our suspicions of him being autistic) eventually in year 6 he was placed on the special education needs register. Then covid hit and lockdown was announced and he saw his opportunity and moved in full time, had contact with bio mum via face time for 6 months but she kept putting it off so he made the decision to stop all contact and we've not heard from her since. that was 2.5 years ago and we've had no self harm issues other than the odd bit of finger picking when he gets anxious or stressed. We also carried on with home education as he had improved so much during lockdown. Home education has been going really well and he has continued to make great progress.
He is our only child as I had to have a full hysterectomy at 34 due medical conditions, so he has our undivided attention as I obviously stay at home with him. His dad is lorry driver and mostly goes away on a Monday and returns on a Friday (this was discussed as family and all of us were happy with this so I know our son isn't acting out because of this).
The last few weeks the child has broken me mentally, everything is a battle. He won't listen to simple conversations, do his very few chores (take the recycling out and dry up after breakfast and keep his room tidy), listen when we are doing school work, pay attention when we are on educational trips/visits, come home by the time given, sat in his bedroom reading when he should be getting washed and dressed etc. I've been sat in tears all afternoon as I just have no fight left in me. I've tried talking with him, asking if there is something wrong/something happened, is he worried about anything, anything troubling him and all I get is loads of attitude, stropping, door slamming, stomping around etc. We have tried taking his phone away (told us countless times he was upstairs reading but was actually sat on youtube), reducing screen time to nil (xbox), grounding him, taking reading books away and limiting access to one book only.
We spoke with our local SEND support scheme and they have basically said that he has all the traits of autism, dyslexia and dyscalcular but if he wasn't in a mainstream school setting then there wouldn't be much point in pursuing a diagnosis. I just don't know what to do anymore, nothing I works, nothing we do/set seems to bother him. Today he has just said he bored so we decided to just let him be bored and see where it goes. We do fun things at the weekends and have family time, we aren't that strict on him, he has a lot of freedom goes to the park with his mates when he wants.
If you made this far, thank you!!
I simply just don't know what to do anymore, so any help, advice, support or anything would be so gratefully received.