How to (try and) Keep the Peace with DD14

[BaconAndAvocado]

Nearly every conversation I have with DD seems to either end with her flouncing off or me shouting at her because she’s been rude/ungrateful/inconsiderate/selfish.

I’m missing the days when we got along, had cuddles, danced around the kitchen, had lots of laughs.

Have 2 older boys, 24yo and 15yo. They were and are a very different experience and definitely didn’t prepare me for this!

Any advice please?
I know I find it hard to let anything go re rudeness and things always seem to escalate very quickly between us.

I have similar situation, my son is very calm (16) and daughter (13.5) does a lot of this rudeness and flouncing. The only thing which works (up to a point), is also the thing I find hardest: being super calm and zen, speaking nicely to her, asking her to speak nicely to me, and not losing my cool, not letting it get to me. It's hard as I get very triggered by her rages over nothing. I try to look on it as a training course for me to become a calmer person, and I'm getting it for free. I don't think she means it and is unable NOT to escalate, and so I put the burden on myself to try and be calm, but at the same time I ask her to speak politely to me etc, remind her we all treat each other with respect etc. And insist on her doing her chores even though I feel like I get a new grey hair every day. Very very tricky and you have my full sympathies. If you need some light relief there is a funny (very very old) book by Betty MacDonald called Onions in the Stew where her daughters behave exactly like this..

also I find that she still does want to be cuddled and it does us both good - just only at times :)

Boarding School 😉

I have a 14yo DD and feel your pain! Things I have tried are:
-trying to make time for 1:1 activities with her- eg we both got our nails done (her choice, it was a first time for me!) or taking her to the cinema.
-chatting about things when we are in the car, so it’s not like a direct confrontation
-pick your battles. I finally gave in to her having her hair highlighted but said I couldn’t pay for it so she has to save up- strangely she still hasn’t managed it 🤣
-trying to be calm and walk away. Easier said than done sometimes!

choixduroi That is fantastic advice and something I always try to achieve but always fail miserably.
I hereby pledge to remain calm(er) during interactions. Seriously, what you describe is a positive way forward and even if she doesn’t calm down, I won’t be getting so stressed and angry.

Confusedteacher All your points are good ones. Sometimes, because she’s behaving so badly, I don’t feel like I want to spend any time with her but I know this is immature of me. I might suggest we have a home spa afternoon this weekend - I’ve got a few face and footpacks.

Madamecastafiore This really made me laugh and made me think a bit more clearly. In all of it, I forget that she’s a young girl with brain under construction, up against so many pressures, as well as all the hormones hurtling through her body (and mine too as I’m perimenopausal......). I couldn’t bear the idea of not seeing her every day!

Sometimes naming their emotions and reasserting you love them can help eg I can see you're upset/angry/sad do you want a hug?
I also remove myself if I can't keep calm and tell them I won't talk to them about it until everyone has calmed down.
I make it clear what is non-negotiable. That doesn't always calm them down 😄 but it does mean they don't waste their time wheedling - they just go straight to how unfair life is.

I found Untangled by Lisa Damour useful.

@BaconAndAvocado home spa is a great idea… try and find a cheesy movie to watch too, like Clueless or Mean Girls. This summer I even pretended to like Love Island just so she’d watch TV with me (wine helped!!)

@BaconAndAvocado I've actually found watching Kath and Kim great, it's a hilarious Australian comedy of the early 2000s about a mother and daughter. tiny bit inappropriate but not too bad.. watch it on Internet Archive..
archive.org/details/KathKimSeries1Episode1Sex480p/Kath+%26+Kim+Series+2+Episode+1+-+The+Announcement+%5B480p%5D.mp4

@Madamecastafiore I'm peri too and that's the issue: just as the daughters are going wild with hormones, so are the mums, and not in a good way. Hope you all have a peaceful harmonious evening!😜

DD was a dream but DS13 can be a bit of an arse,
I think they key is always giving them an “out”. They sometimes get sort of stuck and don’t know how to stop.

DD was only a pain for about 6 months. I can't claim that this trick worked every time but if I could judge when the next step was going to be "flounce, slam door, stamp up stairs" then I would say "chocolate?" and offer her one from the box I keep in the fridge. The response was usually "thanks Mum" and a smile. I never got an apology though.