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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD coercive control

36 replies

mumnamechange · 21/09/2022 03:27

I have posted before about my dd 15 being in a toxic first relationship with a boy 15 from school, that we have been unsuccessfully encouraging her to leave.

He is obsessively in contact, especially if she is with friends without him, threatening suicide if she cheated or left, accusing her of cheating, has persuaded her to have sex before she is ready, and without a condom, he love bombs her and goes on and on to get what he wants. My dd mh is not OK after covid and she is manipulated by him. The trouble is she can't see it and thinks he is wonderful.

I know everything that is going on by accessing her messages, but she does not know, so I am unable to discussed what I have found without destroying her trust.

We have tried calmly calling out his behaviours, as have her friends, to no avail.

I have spoken to the parents about his threats to kill himself and encourage them to check his messages. They were really grateful but I think pretty clueless and I don't think they can/will do much to help our situation.

School won't get involved as it is out of school.

And now our dd is lying about their sexual relationship and lying about/hiding his behaviour. So she clearly knows it is wrong but is pretending to us it is not happening.

I have been searching online for advice and support and I think she is being coercively controlled by him.

I am feeling desperate and I am considering blowing my cover and telling her what I know and how, to get it out in the open. Then to insist she stops seeing him and enforce it. I am worried enough to risk our relationship for her safety.

Am I mad? What else can I do?

OP posts:
workworkworkugh · 21/09/2022 03:42

I've been through this with my child and honestly there is nothing you can do, as upsetting as that is.

We tried everything, and I mean everything.
As you say, school, the other parents, even law enforcement won't help.

Our situation escalated to extremes and in the end we just had to let our child do what they thought was best for them and be there to support them no matter what.
It took 18 months but we finally have them back.
Good luck, happy to chat over message if you want to talk further ☺️

workworkworkugh · 21/09/2022 03:44

Wanted to add, that I hope my post doesn't sound dismissive as I hated that with my situation.
My mental health was the worst it had ever been during this period to the point I was seeking my own counselling.
My own parents and husband were so worried about me.
It's all worked out in the end but I know that's easy to say when you're on the other end of it all and not in the thick of it.

startfresh · 21/09/2022 04:01

@workworkworkugh your threads were so horrific. How could someone behave like that to their partners mum, an adult. I was so in shock!

Original poster
mumnamechange · 21/09/2022 04:07

Thank you for replying, I'm sorry you went through it too. 18months must have been hell. I understand where you're coming from. It does seem like nothing will get through. I want to lock her phone down, keep her home and pick her up from school to stop her seeing him. But does that make me as bad?
When you say you tried everything did you do anything like this?
My MH is really bad over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumnamechange · 21/09/2022 04:08

I'm hoping if I confront her with the messages she might see. I'm probably deluded. I just can't sit by and watch this happen. It is hell.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumnamechange · 21/09/2022 04:10

Also, thinking of sitting them both down and confronting them. Cc is actually illegal. My husband wants to get him by the scruff and tell him straight. He won't but that is the feeling here..

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 21/09/2022 04:16

op when my dd was a teen she would write in her diary. somethings were very concerning. not wanting to reveal that i read it, i would somehow slip what i thought helpful info during routine conversations. "hey did you know", "i watched a tv show that discussed xyz" were you aware of this?
however i was also a bit of a bull in the china shop when i was really really concerned (writing about suicide or unprotected sex) in which case i simply made dr's appointments and told the receptionist the issue but told my dd it was a routine check up.

Original poster
mumnamechange · 21/09/2022 04:21

I'm like this, such good intentions to treat carefully but I end up losing my shit a bit. Really unhelpful when so advice is to be gentle but i care so much.

On my other thread a woman who's experienced it said she wished family had stepped in and that is on my mind.

Did you ever reveal reading her diary?

OP posts:
Original poster
mumnamechange · 21/09/2022 04:21

*tread

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 21/09/2022 04:29

i'm sure she knew but didn't reveal that she knew. likewise i didn't disclose for a good 10+ years. she was a very good writer, part of me hoped some of what she said was untrue (suicidal ideation) but i knew the mean girl stuff was probably not exaggerated (finding stuff written on the bathroom walls). her first fb in the end read it all when she left him alone in her uni dorm room and subsequently he burned it!! daily journaling for a good 3-5 years at least all gone up in smoke.
i don't think it "hurt" our relationship as she is a very closed off person and closed off since 2-3 years of age.

Nevertouchakoala · 21/09/2022 04:29

move and put her in therapy

Fraaahnces · 21/09/2022 04:45

Honestly, I would grab her phone an text him that “You” want some space. He will undoubtedly threaten suicide and you can then call the police and get them to do a welfare check. I imagine that you could show them the contents of his messages and let them know about the CC. He might get a very stern talking to. I would also hope that your daughter could access some counselling via the police to help her see her future with this guy.

Original poster
mumnamechange · 21/09/2022 05:31

My intention is to start with 'I didn't float down off a cloud, I and see what is happening' type chat and try not to let it escalate. I'm pretty sure she suspects I've seen something already.

As much as I like the idea of moving/running away, in reality she needs to learn from this.

I was watching the messages poor in when she was out with her friends this wknd and it was so tempting to interject. I am so torn right now whether to reveal everything or try and maintain some trust/comms.

I am keeping an eye on messages and will report to his parents at least.

OP posts:
fruitypancake · 21/09/2022 05:37

Is he at school with her? Have you tried speaking to school? This is a safeguarding concern and theyWILL be interested and should have some good advice for you. I would make an appointment with her year head

autocollantes · 21/09/2022 06:25

I'm wondering too about the school. Can you at least speak to her form tutor/anyone involved with well-being to let him/her know that her life outside school is abusive? Explain that she has threats of suicide in her regular life and is under extreme stress, even if she doesn't appear that way in school.

Kind of like if a relative died, or there was a horrible divorce, or she had an illness you'd let the school know so they could keep an eye on her.

That would be different than asking them to stop the relationship, which they can't.

KangarooKenny · 21/09/2022 06:36

Have you spoken to the Safeguarding lead at school ? They have a duty to safeguard her in school and out.

floataboat · 21/09/2022 06:43

I'm a secondary teacher, and my school absolutely would take this seriously. They have a responsibility to safeguard both in and out of school.

I was in an abusive relationship from 15, for six years. My parents were beside themselves, but I couldn't be told. It took me and long, long time to see the truth.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's my worst nightmare as a parent.

cansu · 21/09/2022 06:49

This sounds awful BUT you are reading all her messages without her knowledge including those of a very personal nature?? There is a difference between doing this with your dd knowing and doing this secretly and it will backfire on you. I know you are doing it to look out for her but you need to tell her straight.

Quitelikeacatslife · 21/09/2022 06:56

I know you must be thinking this but you need to maintain that you are there for her, if you push too much she may run to him as seemingly the only option. So I wouldn't reveal the phone thing.
Are you able to speak to any of her friends? If you had chat they may reveal things you already know and you can use this as basis for talk with her that you are concerned this relationship is not good for her?
You can let her know you are worried you can say you have noticed that she seems unhappy I think she will not question that.
And tell her you are so worried you have made appointment at school. If you go in together in a more formal environment with professionals used to questioning teens then it may all come out, and home remains a safe space
Also keep encouraging her to see her friends, even if he is an idiot with messages, she is keeping those bonds and they will have her back.

anotherscroller · 21/09/2022 06:57

Can you pay for her to see a therapist?

Dragonskin · 21/09/2022 07:30

workworkworkugh · 21/09/2022 03:42

I've been through this with my child and honestly there is nothing you can do, as upsetting as that is.

We tried everything, and I mean everything.
As you say, school, the other parents, even law enforcement won't help.

Our situation escalated to extremes and in the end we just had to let our child do what they thought was best for them and be there to support them no matter what.
It took 18 months but we finally have them back.
Good luck, happy to chat over message if you want to talk further ☺️

Oh Work, I remember reading your threads about your son and his girlfriend, it sounded horrific and I'm so glad the fog finally lifted

mumofblu · 21/09/2022 07:47

I'm so sorry
I can relate to this
My DD is turning 15 and was in a relationship for 7 months this year . Now finished .
Firstly is your dd doing anything herself that you can identify as concerning behaviour ?

My DD started cutting herself , she dismissed it as a thing all teenagers do . Then reduced her eating , then going to see him after curfew when we had said no . Then running away .

If she is doing anything concerning , you mention MH ? Then let the school safeguarding lead know .
He is in the same school and threatening suicide . My DD and BF both threatening this . And school acted swiftly . Check in support in school , space to talk and arranged counselling .

No you can't split them up . I had him in the house and would hear how he spoke to her and would casually say things like " do you feel ok that he wants to see you when you are with friends , I don't think I would like that ?
I also spoke with him saying that it's healthy to have time with friends in relationships. ( he came from a family where I suspected DV )

I also checked phone , she knew this . And no didn't like it but I never spoke about what I read directly just used it to start conversations

It was so upsetting and I needed MH support

I went to Gp, for myself . Have you spoken to woman's aid ? We have a social worker who has done some relationship work and the abusive BF finished with her because of our "over involvement " we called the police when she disappeared to find him . His family didn't like that .

She still has counselling 2 months later but us doing amazing . And yes initially she hated me but our relationship is pretty good now

Get support , tell school she is at risk , refer to SS

Original poster
mumnamechange · 21/09/2022 07:48

Thank you for your replies, to answer a few questions.

Yes he is at the same school.

I have spoken to her pastoral leader and they have discussed the situation with the safe guarding team. Because this had happened over the summer mainly they weren't keen to get involved and suggested i speak to the parents.

I have been in contact with dd best friend for a few weeks because she was worried, i am also concerned for the friend and have contacted the pastoral again and we are talking this afternoon. I will talk to her again about my concerns and try to get the school involved.

Before this situation kicked off we were already looking in to counselling for my dd mh and planned to pay, but she is dead against it. We are working on her.

I appreciate reading her private messages sounds awful. It is not something i have done for many years since she first got a phone. But I am her carer and she is a minor. I have concerns about her wellbeing/ safety and that for me over rides the moral dilemma. Trust me I do not take any pleasure from knowing her business. I wish she were in a healthy relationship and i had no cause to check them.

I am swaying back and forth over revealing my knowledge. For now I'll keep it to myself. A meeting at the school might be a good idea. Good knows how she'll react though, she is so stubborn.

I really appreciate all your advice and will update when I've spoken to the school.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 21/09/2022 07:58

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Makes me think about my own teenage years and what my parents went through. I hope your daughter stays safe and well, and that she finds her strength.

Doormatnomore · 21/09/2022 08:01

I probably going to be shot down for this but 15 is not an adult and she’s navigating an adult situation. I’d sit her down and see you’ve seen the messages pouring in when she was with friends (was this through a linked iPad or similar?) and that it’s abusive and needs to stop. You are still the parent and responsible for her. If you can talk and agree she wants it to stop, he gets blocked on all her devices, school is told she will need to be kept away from him and that’s it. Will there be drama, yes, but if she threatens to harm himself or does harm himself then he gets help. Meanwhile your daughter is no longer feeling responsible and being coerced into sex. Which is the same advice I’d give an adult in similar situations btw.