Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I'm out of my depth

26 replies

Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 20/09/2022 22:21

My teenage daughter 14 appears to hate me.

I am genuinely gutted.

I do the right things, say the right things (mostly) but I'm still shit.

Very few wins. It bloody hurts.

How can I guard my heart in this weird season of parenting.

I can't lie. I'm actually overwhelmed.

I have 2 teenage boys too and they're just so different to parent.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 20/09/2022 22:23

Do you ever do anything together, just the 2 of you?

Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 20/09/2022 22:24

Yup.

Doesn't seem to count. Even really lovely things she wanted Confused

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 20/09/2022 22:25

Then are you strict enough with her? So, if she's disrespectful, do you sanction her?

Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 20/09/2022 22:28

I do, that's the weird thing. But she never seems genuinely sorry. For anything !

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 20/09/2022 22:30

Sorry, I have no advice then.

I hope you get it sorted with your daughter.

wishmyhousetidy · 20/09/2022 22:42

I had this with mine- it literally seemed to change from one day where we bumbled along ok and the next day she seemed to actually hate me. I have little advice, we are two years along and things are much better, but I still find parenting difficult as I dread going back to those days. we strengthened some boundaries and relaxed others as i think i was a bit controlling which made the rebellion worse. However there was a lot going on that i wasn’t aware of which meant she was taking out a lot of angst on me

Stick close to,her, look after yourself as well and hopefully things will turn a corner- but be patient it will take a long time

Howmanysleepsnow · 20/09/2022 22:46

Sorry OP, but that’s 14 year olds! It’s way the hardest age for me emotionally. I’ve found they come back to you gradually from about 15.5, just leave the door open (metaphorically) for her when she’s ready and try to rationalise that it’s her hormones/ developmental stage talking until then. It’s tough.

DrMadelineMaxwell · 20/09/2022 22:47

Try and bear with it. Mine was often vile to me and especially her dad on a daily basis from when she turned a teen. She turned a corner and is a completely different person in terms of how she talks to and deals with other people since she turned 17.

ilkleymoorbartat · 20/09/2022 23:10

Whenever I read these types of threads I always wonder what I would do (mine are little so I'm not much help to you OP)z it must be so hard becuase my instinct would be to be totally hardline about them being rude to me or their dad. But often the advice seems to be ignore it and ride it out, that must be really tough, and also kind of letting them get away with being awful to you.

Good luck OP I hope it gets easier soon.

CookieDoughKid · 21/09/2022 13:28

I'm 100% with you OP. My 14 dd wanted a sleepover for 9 girls. I compromised and said 3. Cue, three days of wining, verbally bullying me, screaming, flouncing, shouting at her brother and when I still wouldn't back down she called me a cunt. I had 3 days of calmness where I went for the firm and consistent approach and she still called me a cunt. If my husband wasn't there last night, I would have packed a bag and thrown her out of the house myself. Oh, and no no more sleepovers for foreseeable future. Sometimes there are no answers, no solution. Last time she knocked a hole in the door she was that violent. I am counting down the days she does move out. My dd has no SEN issues, she is a calculating and vindictive person who hasn't the maturity to see a world beyond herself. And there are no solutions . Just days I keep my head down and praying a longer lapse till the next incident.

Muddays · 21/09/2022 14:49

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom she's scared witless and hates feeling like it. She doesn't hate you but herself and pretty much the entire world right now. The brain chemistry in teenagers has been proved to be completely different to adults, they literally think differently. Google 'New Scientist Teenage Brain' articles. Breathe and adjust/adapt as best you can, because there's a beautiful future hidden behind the ugly.

CookieDoughKid · 21/09/2022 15:01

@Muddays Thank you for this. It's what I needed to hear. @Pleasegivemeyourwisdom hope things get better soon!!

wishmyhousetidy · 21/09/2022 19:40

Muddays · 21/09/2022 14:49

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom she's scared witless and hates feeling like it. She doesn't hate you but herself and pretty much the entire world right now. The brain chemistry in teenagers has been proved to be completely different to adults, they literally think differently. Google 'New Scientist Teenage Brain' articles. Breathe and adjust/adapt as best you can, because there's a beautiful future hidden behind the ugly.

Hi i find this interesting though I don’t really understand it. My daughter has behaved like this- called me names and been violent - why nowadays do we say it’s about the way teens are wired. Teenage brains have always been wired like this but I can’t imagine in any world that I would have called: my mum a cunt. Yet my daughter has and I ( and she even admits this) have been an ok parent. I suppose I am just trying to understand it as although things are hugely better than they were when she was 14 I still find parenting her difficult as I dread returning to those days. I am just asking for free therapy really:) and am interested why you believe this behaviour shows she is scared.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 21/09/2022 21:40

I don't buy the 'scared witless'. I think the teenage years are essentially toddler tantrums in a more grown up body. Apply the same rules - clear boundaries, lots of love, do not tolerate rudeness. Yes, it's harder when you can't plonk them on a naughty step but you can still be clear about what is and isn't acceptable while giving them some age-related leeway.

waterrat · 22/09/2022 08:23

I agree that it is only recently

CoconutSpray · 22/09/2022 09:02

I would never ever tolerate anyone swearing at me teenager or not.

That being said, your dd is hard wired to push you away in order to become an adult in her own right. Let her push you away in different ways, give he r space but be there to catch her if she is struggling with life, school friends.

Get some support yourself, friends to vent with or a hobby or job that gives you a break and good vibes. It's tough but you'll get though it.

TwigTheWonderKid · 22/09/2022 09:15

I'm 52 and can remember how difficult and tumultuous the teenage years were and that's without all the extra crap that this generations' teens have to navigate.

It may not feel like it, but in a way it's a good sign that she is treating you like she is. Firstly you are her "safe space" she can decompress at home, let it all out, safe in the knowledge that you love her and will still love her, no matter what. But it's a time of massive change and confusingly, she's also needing to push you away as she moves towards adulthood.

It is a heartbreaking time but remember the little girl you love is still in there somewhere and she will come out the other side, eventually!

Occasionallysunny · 22/09/2022 09:23

Just a thought from my own teenage years when I went from being quiet and not a problem at 14 to being awful (according to my mum) at 15. Essentially I was having a really hard time as a teenager - issues with friends, working out who I was, depressed, not liking myself or feeling likeable. I was just seen as being difficult & unpleasant to my parents but actually I was at breaking point. If anyone had asked if I was ok I would have said I was fine - I wasn’t - but it would have taken someone to really persist & I might have finally broken and admitted I was a mess & needed help. Not saying this is the case for your dd but keep it in mind.
I hope things improve OP.

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 22/09/2022 09:26

I went through this with my oldest DD - she's now a wonderful 18 year old, but 14-16 she was pretty awful! We talked about it recently, and she acknowledged how awful she was to me, she says she can't explain it but she was just really angry.

Anyway, stand firm OP, it does get better!

RudsyFarmer · 22/09/2022 09:38

I think so much of this stuff is set in in early childhood. You have to make respect non-negotiable. Children’s personalities mature and absolutely morph alongside their hormones but it’s rare for them to 180. My youngest is incredibly wilful and I think he’ll always be so. He borders on rude and I work incredibly hard to keep him on the right side of rude. I don’t mind sassy and cheeky but belligerent and aggressive is a hard no.

In terms of what you can do now I would say stop trying so hard. From your post you come across as beaten down and dejected. She is wielding the power. You have to do enough positive things for her to be able to take them away as necessary. She has to understand you hold the keys to the treat box and that requires general decent behaviour from her. Then I’d take a step back and allow her some free rein.

Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 24/09/2022 23:06

Thanks for the replies

I've read them all

Absorbed them all

OP posts:
Turquoisesea · 25/09/2022 08:05

I’m having the same issue with my DD who is 14. I’m finding this the hardest age of all and yes I’ve got a 17 year old DS who is really easy in comparison. I’m struggling with the fact she has 2 friends whose parents pretty much say yes to anything and everything and when I say no to anything, it looks like I’m the unreasonable one when all I’m trying to do is set some boundaries however small. And she’s been telling me how she hates our house, everyone else’s parents are so much fun, she wished she lived there and had them as parents. It’s hard not to take it personally!

Belladonnamama · 25/09/2022 08:22

Could have wrote this myself. My DD14 hates me. She called me a cunt yesterday,told me she hates my guts and put her hands on me to try and push me down the stairs.

comfortablyfrumpy · 25/09/2022 08:26

Mine who was pretty awful to me at that age, is now a wonderful 19 year old. She recognises that she was horrible to me.
It will get better!

par05 · 25/09/2022 19:48

My ds who's just turned 15, has been awful since a few months after his 14th bday, he's been slowly getting worse,his mental health is not good due to his behaviour recently. he's in a very emotionally charged relationship which he will not finish and his behaviour at home is just awful. I leave him in his room now as do not like him as a person. I love him but don't like the person he has become.
Have 3 other children who are not like this at all. All brought up same way.