How to have a good relationship with teen?

[BluesandClues]

Hello,

So the oldest has started secondary school, and I’m keen to try and keep us all sane through the next several years.

I know I sound a bit anxious, but my Mother was an abusive twit, so don’t have the best example to go off of.

So any hints, tips, book recommendations would be appreciated.

thanks

Eat together every evening.

Don't interrogate them, but keep talking about random things - particularly things they are interested in

Give them lifts to places. You get much better conversations with teens when you aren't facing them and (in their perception) putting them under pressure

Accept they will all at some point go through a few years where their hormones are all over the place. Don't take it personally when they cringe with embarrassment when you do so much as breathe

Respect that they don't have autonomy over many things at that age, so give them the sanctity of their bedroom, however much of a mess it is, it is their room

Every now and then have random conversations about situations teens find themselves in sometimes long before it is a situation where you might be "accusing them" - drugs at a party / having a try of a cigarette / drinking alcohol in the park / pressured to do something they know isn't right - try and ask them what they think they could do if they were in a difficult situation but were keen to stay with "the crowd". Educate them about alcohol.

Be good role models though what you and their Dad do, the way you treat other people. Including the fact it is okay to make mistakes and that mistakes can usually be sorted if you deal with them.

Tell them that if they get into a messy situation to call you and you will ALWAYS come get them without consequences. So many of my kids’ friends wouldn’t call their parents when they really needed an adult because they were afraid of the outcome. I only had to do this twice (all three are adults now) but it showed my kids they could trust me. On the same theme if you can afford it make sure they can always access Uber or some way to get home if they end up with no money.

My 15yo likes to come in bed every night for a cuddle. It's our time without her little sister around, the cats are usually there too and we just have a 10 minute catchup of the day.

Work out how they like to communicate, DS always talks most in the car or if we cook together. DD and I have a running WhatsApp chat of crappy memes and nonsense but in there is a lot of serious stuff as she hates talking face to face (we have an understanding that if something is 'big' we can start discussing it on the chat but then move to face to face).

Accept that sometimes they just want to be left alone, let them do so in peace.

Give them responsibilities- they'll fuck it up sometimes but mostly they'll step up to the challenge. When they do fuck up, think before you react, maybe it's worth a bollocking but maybe it's worth just letting it go.

All really sounds advice has been given. I'd only add humour, we find daft humour helps.

Someone said this to me and it resonated;

In the happiest of our childhood memories, our parents were happy too.

This.
My two have always known I will always be there whatever the time of day it is/whatever idiotic thing it is they've done etc
Dd once 'experimented' with hash cakes with her uni friends, they all got into a terrible state and because dd felt ok talking to me I was able to help them all.
We laugh about it now!

Try not to judge or enforce your views too much