DD2 has decided to live with her DF and his DP

[LostWhatDoIDo]

Name changed for this post and also not sure of this is correct place to post. DD2 who is 15 informed me via text today that she will not be coming home from her DF as she feels like she gets more support there as I don't care about her as much as her siblings who both have autism. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. I had no idea she was feeling like this. I've tried to talk with her but she's having none of it. To make things worse she hates school and her DF has said that he will home school her but I really don't think that him or his DP will put much effort into any type of schooling. I have no idea what to do now. I don't think legally there is anything I can do. I just want her back home with us.

I'm so sorry, that must really hurt.
Id ask for your ex and dd to meet with you to discuss this further.
Is he the father of all your dc? If so, how much help does he give you with the other 2 children? It wouldn't be reasonable to take one dd and leave you to struggle with the other 2 if they need a lot of support.

Reiterate to your daughter that you love her lots and only want the best for her. If she does this there's no guarantee it will be permanent - she may well conclude that the grass isn't greener.

Id he wanting to know the specifics of how he is planning to educate her at home - how does this work with his job? What about GCSEs? It's really not that easy to educate a child at exam level unless you have lots of previous experience and have developed plans for teaching the subjects he knows little about. Hone Ed require serious planning, it's not something he can just decide on a whim.

If you don't think he is up to it and will screw up her exam years, you could involve the LA snd SS. If you are the RP I don't think at 15 she and your ex can just decide this amongst themselves with no input from you, although obviously her opinions would be seriously considered.

it must really hurt op but she's a teenager and of course she would rather be the sole focus of two adults than be one of 3 including autistic children who probably have a lot of additional needs, do you spend any one on one time with her at all, maybe she just felt pushed out and thought this was preferable to talking to you and maybe getting fobbed off (not saying you would fob her off but diving into her brain)

Oh that must be so difficult to hear. My teen finds her autistic siblings really tricky. We take her to a lot of activities so she’s not missing out but in her mind her autistic siblings come first. Part of it is being a self centred teen. As much as it hurts, tell her how much you love her and she’s welcome to come home at any time and keep the lines of communication open and then have a private conversation with her father about your dds education.

I asked if I could meet with them and she said she didn't feel up to it just now so going to leave it a few days and ask again when she is hopefully feeling more open to talking. He is my exDH and is father to all my DC. His parenting has been hit and miss for the last few years with him going long periods of time not seeing the DC. He has always had a stronger bond with DD that has decided to live with them than he has with her younger brother or older sister.

He has two DC with his DP so she will not be sole focus the youngest of their DC also has autism.

Both exDH and his DP don't work so in theory they would have enough time to provide education but I don't think that they would be dedicated enough to provide it to higher level which is the level she is at in school just now (she is S5 as we are in Scotland).

I've spent quite a lot of one on one time with her recently trying to figure out why she went off school and had no idea she felt so left out until now. It's come as a complete shock.

Even if your dd isn't up to meeting with you yet, that doesn't mean her father can't! Unless he's a qualified teacher, with tons of resources available, I'd be very concerned about her education. These years are critical. Sounds like he's jumped into this and not thought it through and I'd want proper answers from him about how he's going to meet all her needs.

Do you think changing schools might be an option? Even if it means maybe going back snd repeating a year. Sorry, I'm not sure how things work in Scotland.

I would be accepting of the living arrangements as she will in all likelihood change her mind. I would not accept the home schooling. Unless he has the skills to teach 8 GCSE subjects she should be on school. I would contact the school and let them know that you do not think this is in your dd best interests.