Teenage Tears

[BreakfastClub80]

I’m getting really frustrated with my DD13 and wondered if anyone has any advice?

Anytime we have a disagreement she becomes tearful and justifies herself over and over, she won’t listen to any other point of view. We don’t disagree much but it’s getting really upsetting and annoying.

Two questions:

When she’s really upset about something but I disagree with her, do I follow her lead and forget my concerns? (These are school-related issues, though sport so maybe not too serious)?

Is this normal?

Thanks in advance.

How can you have a disagreement over sport? Does she want to do a particular sport and you're saying no?

I think you need to listen to her and then tell her you'll continue the discussion when she's calmed down. There's no reasoning with someone who is working themselves up into a state. If she's getting wound up because you are refusing permission for something I would just re-iterate that the answer is no, and you'll discuss your reasons when she's able to listen quietly.

It's difficult to offer advice without a clear example, however.

i mean it's hard to say if you're being unreasonable here, does she want to quit a sport and you're saying no or is she wanting to do a sport and you disagree?

I’ll try to outline the specific situation tonight. DD has recently started senior school and has been allocated to a low sports team (hockey). Her feelings have gone from thinking she wasn’t sure why, thought she was a bit better and would prefer to play some matches (which was fine with me, I’m not worried about her level - it is what it is) to thinking it’s fine being in this group and she’d rather be with her friends and doesn’t care about matches. My thinking is that I feel the school are copping out, not finding other schools with enough teams to play and also copping out by basically giving them “multi-sports” on the days when the others are out at matches (twice in two weeks). So I’d like to query this with the school but she fears they will interpret it by assuming I’m a pushy parent and want her moved to a higher team that does get matches. She doesn’t want this, and it honestly isn’t what I want for her either.
Our latest discussion was that I would back off but I’d have liked her to listen to my point of view, she couldn’t and just started crying and arguing again 😞.

My main fear is that she’ll interpret the schools approach as telling her she’s no good at sport and it’s not her thing, and then she’ll follow all those girls before her and effectively drop out voluntarily. I think I’m looking at the bigger picture but she doesn’t see it.

I guess I need to back off and hope for the best…

oh in that situation you need to listen to her, it's not about your feelings on it because it doesn't affect you it only affects her

Sometimes they want you to step in, and otherwise they don’t. I guess if this was the former, and you kept pushing the later, she got frustrated, and her reaction was to cry? My ds would cry in this situation, dd would probably shout and hit me 🙄

What if she did want to drop out? To be fair, I think you need to back off. This is your DDs life and sport for the sake of sport is being a pushy parent. Sport should be fun for her, and as you say her level is her level. It’s only being realistic to understand you’re not going to be a professional athlete and relegate sports to a social hobby status. If she later wants to drop it, let her. She only needs some kind of exercise for health and often it’s the teens/20s when you want branch out and try new sports anyway.

You do sound like a pushy parent though 🤷‍♀️

I saw this the other day which is what awful guide on things to say when your child is upset.

You sound like you completely dismiss her feelings tbh.

Thank you all, I do hear you.

I guess I sometimes struggle between encouraging and supporting versus pushing, but when she cries it does really upset me and I do listen, but maybe not quickly enough.

I think I mainly struggle that she seems so uninterested in anything at times, only her phone. But of course, she’s in a different world to me.

well maybe when she tells you crying to back off maybe listen to her and don't make her feel guilty for crying, it's an emotional response to not being listened too sorry to sound harsh and of course she has different intrests to you she's a teenager but what some parents i think need to understand is that phones aren't that recent and parents have been complaining about teenage 'in' things all throughout history

When they get tearful, or they don’t want you involved, it really is best just to back right off. Some things that you feel are easily solved, or insignificant (and you may even be right), are just not worth the angst. Teens can be so tough AND fragile at the same time.

I’m a big fan of limits on phones though!

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

Ask her lots of questions about how she's feeling and what she thinks – no "why don't you?" questions or "have you thought about doing...", just questions that help her to articulate the swirl of emotions she's trying to navigate. Spend plenty of time working on naming her feelings – "name it to tame it" – and then when you think she's done, ask her: "what else?"

Once she's said everything there is to say, ask her if she'd like some help from you. If the answer is yes, ask her to tell you what help she'd like. If the answer is no, tell her you're always available if she thinks of something you can do to help – and then back off.

Over time, she'll share more with you once she knows it's received with interest instead of critique.

I agree with @dumbstruckdumptruck

Thanks everyone, some good advice here. I’ve backed off as I said, but also hopefully have learnt a lesson about listening!