How to tackle secret boyfriend

[DistrictCommissioner]

I’ve realised that DD, 14yo in Y10, has started going out with a boy she knows through a hobby, who is 16yo in Y12, 2.5 years older than her pretty much to the day.

DD hasn’t told me anything about this, I’ve just observed things when we are at activities together, other parents have commented to me, & she’s suddenly started being on the phone to him all the time. It’s definitely a physical relationship although they have little opportunity to be together.

I know the boy a little, & while I don’t think he is a bad kid I have several reservations about him as a boyfriend to my daughter, not least the age gap. However there isn’t anything I can do about it, is there?!

You can't do anything but be there for her when it all goes wrong. You can talk to her about safe sex and the fact she is underage, too. But anything you say against this teen romance is likely cause a massive rift between you and your daughter.

Get to know the lad, invite him round for tea, tell your daughter how lovely he is. That would be my strategy. Parental approval all round. It might not make him seem so attractive if his girlfriend's mum is telling everyone what a sweet boy he is.

Depends on your relationship with your DD. I don’t accept that there is nothing you can do and you have to invite him to your home and say how lovely he is.

Depending on how much she likes the hobby, I’d be tempted to tell DD she is too young to have a boyfriend and that any nearly-seventeen year old who wants to date a 14 yr old is a perv. Then I’d withdraw her from the hobby and control her phone use so she’s cut off from him.

There is no way DD would give up the hobby, her younger sibling does the same thing, & it’s a huge part of their life. It would be a huge rift & blow up if I tried to split them up by removing my DC from the activity (think something like swim squad for the county - it’s not that but it’s something they are very committed to & can’t be replicated elsewhere).

my relationship with my DD is okay, but she is very reserved & doesn’t confide in me at the time, but will tell me about things some time after the fact…