16 Yr Old Son ramping up difficult behaviour

[havanesehope]

My son has never liked school but he has always just got on with it. Since starting Year 11 he is becoming more and more defiant. He doesn't have a positive word to say about it and is point blank refusing to consider college options for Sep 23. It is a battle every day with him. He has started waking up through the night and reading then he is tired for school.

At 5am this morning he took himself out for a walk which I wasn't happy about. He isn't violent or aggressive. I worry for his safety. I don't know what to do. Until the last year I have never had any problems with him but his behaviour is ramping up now. Our eldest son is happily studying for his A levels and loves college. Are there any organisations I could speak to? I feel tired today and tearful. Thank you.

Poor lad, he sounds incredibly stressed. What does he want to do for his career?

He sounds either anxious or depressed. Impossible to tell from what you’ve written here. Maybe start with why he’s not sleeping. Then what he wants to do next. That doesn’t have to be college.
He has hated school for years. Now he’s facing having to decide what to do and getting results from exams.

D be talking to him about school and what he's not enjoying. What can you do to help and support him? Ask him

He has no ideas. I was hoping that I could start to look at options with him soon. I need to find the right time. I am worried that he might get himself into trouble.

Yes, I need to look at other options apart from college. I am generally getting good reports from school. His grades are pretty good.

Perhaps look at apprenticeship in a trade, practical job might be better for him?

I agree. I think he needs to be in a more vocational environment. It's as though he's burning out. He enjoyed studying at home during lockdown. He started to struggle going back to school after that.

Give him a bit of space, I work in a sixth form. If students don't want to be there we support them to find alternatives. All the sanctions that school have about non attendance ( real or imagined )are gone He could look for an apprenticeship, a traineeship, some sort of study program like the Princes Trust, volunteering etc . He could probably do with talking to someone impartial. It's different in different areas but there should be someone in a community youth team at the local council, a careers adviser at school or college that could get things started.

Yes, it would be useful to have someone for him to speak to who is impartial. I am hoping he will start to get some ideas from his friends regarding their plans next year as well.

If he works well from home, maybe he can do that? Talk to school about it. Is it possible he's being bullied?

If he's sick of formal education, that's ok (once he's finished his GCSEs anyway!) Make that clear to him. It sounds from your original post as though you're trying hard to persuade him to make a decision on a career, get a college place and plan for Uni, but maybe that's just not 'Him' and he doesn't know how to tell you without upsetting you, so he's no-one to talk to about it and is getting more and more stressed and miserable. He doesn't have to go to college to become a successful, well paid and happy adult.

What are his interests? Is he into sports? Films? Clothes? Animals? What did he tend to play with when he was younger?

Yes, maybe I need to make it clearer that after GCSEs he can look for options outside formal education. His brother is very academic. His interests have dwindled a bit in the last year. He composes bits of music as a hobby and plays keyboard/piano (mostly self taught though).

I think I need to back off a bit. It's hard to get the balance right. He does most of his own cooking and experiments with food a lot. He is very practical.

Legally 16-18s have to be in education, an apprenticeship or some kind of alternative training programme or volunteering. This is completely toothless legislation and has never been enforced to my knowledge.

Ok, I think we have a long road ahead of us. I need to step back a bit. He always took longer to settle back into school after holidays than his brother did.

You sound like a great mum, if your son is practical there are lots great apprenticeship and vocational college courses out there. Our local FE college is a bit ordinary for A levels but is a real centre of excellence for catering.

Thank you. Hopefully there will be something that sparks his interest.

He sounds very much like my DS1 OP. He totally lost interest in yr 11 and sort of coasted along, only really trying for the art subjects he enjoyed.

His sleep patterns were also all over the place and I am sure he was over tired for school most days.

He had certainly had enough of the school environment by the end of yr 11 and so has gone to the local college to do a BTEC in digital game design.

He passed 6 out of 8 GCSE's and could have done A Levels but really didn't want that environment any more.

As they go though yr 11 their options become clearer. The vocational and practical aspect of the course he is doing will I hope suit him very well.

There are plenty of options other than A Levels these days.

My Ds is just into year 11..

We have had some discussions about post school options.. not gone well.. He has admitted he is overwhelmed by it all

I have said to him we will book in for open evenings at local colleges.. we can look at T levels apprenticeships and i will support what he decides ..

Your 2 son's sound very different so maybe easier to discount how it was for older ds

I will have to look at a few options for him. He is totally turned off to school at the moment. It's difficult knowing how to get through to them. I guess they need their space. It's a hard adjustment after the Summer holidays for him.