Name changed for this. Apologies in advance for it being so long, just trying to avoid a drip feed.
To summarise, my DH and his DS1 (my DSS1) are becoming more and more like strangers due to DSS1’s behaviour when he’s at our house. I am hoping you’ll have wise thoughts on whether this is just normal teenage stuff that DH needs to wait out, or whether he should try to actively fix it.
So now for the long version…
DH has been divorced since his two DS were young: 4.5 and 3 years old. In his defence, she was verbally and emotionally abusive. However, she has aways been good to the children, has mellowed a lot, and co-parenting is civil.
The boys have had two homes, mainly with their mum, and visiting DH (and later DH, me and our DS when he arrived) every other weekend. There is distance involved as DH needs to be near London for work and his ex lives about an hour away. This must have been tough for the boys, but they’ve always seemed happy and relaxed with the arrangement. In the past they were always lovely to have around and lovely with their little brother. DH has put in tons of effort to do lots of fun stuff with them too.
Once they hit 13 ish, the ‘every other weekend’ arrangement loosened. DH made it clear that he wanted to see them as much as ever but understood that they were starting to need extra flexibility for parties, sports, friends etc.
All was well for a while, but over the last 18 months, DSS1 (now 17) has completely changed and is creating a horrible atmosphere when he visits.
Examples:
- Avoids being in the room with any other family member (spending hours shut in the bathroom, going outside when everyone else is inside, generally hiding).
- He's completely unable to break away from his phone at any time when he’s awake. It's glued to his hand. He looks at it every few seconds.
- Regularly talks to DSS2 like sh*t when he thinks we can’t hear.
- Stares blankly into space if in the room / car / wherever with us.
- Avoids all but the very briefest eye contact.
- Rarely speaks, but when he does it's either a short and vague 'brush off' or (even weirder) an overly polite fake gushing tone
It makes the atmosphere so unpleasant – he so obviously doesn’t want to be here and acts as though we're all strangers. DH is really hurt. He doesn't understand how his son could have changed so completely - literally he was lovely for so long but now there's no sign of the person he was and he acts as though his dad is more or less invisible. (Unlike DSS2 who is now 16 and still bloody great.) It's not drugs, I don't think. He looks very well, bright eyes and clear skin etc.
DH’s response, having had 18 months of trying and failing to engage with DSS1, is to say that if he doesn’t want to come, that’s fine – he can just stop coming.
BUT.
For a start, he’s likely to be coming up to us for Christmas as his mum is going to be away at a wedding. I think DH's feelings will fester and things will come to a head if/when DSS1 behaves like this over Christmas. Which won't be good for anyone.
Also, I worry that if DH lets it slide he'll hardly see DSS1 and they'll grow apart even more.
What would you advise DH to do?
Words of wisdom please.