15 year old dd and curfew

[LottieBaby]

I have a 15 year old and she started to change in year 10 (just started year 11). After lockdown really… She started to use social media to the point of addiction.

Her life became very unbalanced. Waking up at 4am - checking her feeds and messages. Then going to school, looking unkempt, skipping breakfast, and sometimes not eating lunch. I’d make her sandwiches and give her a bottle of water and she’d throw them back in the door and run off. In the winter she refused to wear her winter coat. I would put it on her and would find it dropped on the doorstep.

We told her not to take her phone in her room at night - she ignored. We asked her to give her social passwords after we noticed she was posting inappropriate pictures. She would shout kick and scream (still typical behaviour!) but we stood firm and took her phone from her and brought her a brick phone.

We also noticed that in messages to friends, she would say that we didn’t care what time she came home and she could do what she wanted and even told friends that if she was grounded she didn’t care and would do what she wants! Totally not the case - she just never follows house rules.

She started to hang out with mates after school missing curfew set. She would apologise but do exactly the same thing the following day. We would ground her (couple of days) but she screams, gets abusive and runs out the door. She even started coming home at 8, 9pm and sometimes as late as 11.30pm. Again apologised but she’d do the same thing all over again.

She had a boyfriend - we said that she couldn’t meet up with him after school so she started meeting him at 6.30am in the morning before school!

Not surprisingly she did really badly in her mocks. Very regretful and tearful. So over the summer I helped her to create a timetable. Mainly to help her find balance with her needs and wants.

We both signed an agreement- Eating healthy, study, go swimming, tidy room, practice piano and stick to curfew set (6.30pm weekdays and 9.30pm weekends over the summer). I said we would revisit times in the winter. She was doing really well with all but soon went back to old ways, saying she would not be going out during the school term in year 11 as she wanted to do well with her GCSEs.

Anyway we are back to school and I said she should come home straight after school (actually 5pm latest) for the first week to help her get into better habits for year 11. First 2 days were fine but now back to old habits.

yesterday I expected her to be home from school at 5pm she decided she was going to the park with friends with out telling me. No phone call -nothing (though I tell her she should at least call and let me know). Got in at 8pm.

When it comes to her social life she has the habit to tell us what she is doing.. not asking if she can do xyz.

So, I told her that she was not allowed out today. She agreed even said she was not going out because she hadn’t made plans. Everything was going well. I even told her I recognised the effort she was making and I was proud. She did her homework but then started to get ready to go out.

When I asked her what she was doing, she said she was going for a walk to read in the park. That was 12.30. I asked her to be home at 3pm - by 5pm I called her - she ignored my calls (normal for her) so i resort to contacting her friends to track her down. One of her mates said that she planned to attend a dinner at 7pm that they had planned! I called her and asked what she was playing at after what we had agreed and told her to be home at 9pm!

she made it home for 9pm but I’m getting sick and tired of the daily conflict and non communication.

please tell me what we should do

I have tried reasoning with her but she just doesn’t get it!

I feel like my home is a hotel and I’m her maid- she thinks she can talk to myself and her dad in the most disrespectful ways and do what she wants.

we just want her to take care of herself, live a balanced life - , be respectful, communicate with us and grow in to a good human/citizen and have a nice life. Oh and follow house rules and study for exams.

what are we doing wrong? We want to cry it feels so toxic! Is this normal??!

Sorry for the long essay… is anyone else going through this. We feel so alone.

To me, it sounds like your dd has/is developing a significant eating disorder (they are so good at covering it up) if she is fainting. That is very worrying. Is she underweight?

I would focus on that for now, get her some counselling organised - which may help with everything, and ask your GP for guidance on how she can be supported. Talk to the school on Monday.

There could be self harming happening in places you can't see.

She sounds to me like a child that needs a shit load of support and fast. You can see her behaviour is spiralling, her eating is sporadic at best, she is going out at random times to meet people. I mean this kindly, but in your place I would be getting very very serious about some of the topics you mentioned.

Can you sit with her today and ask her what is going on, can she say how she is feeling, are there things she is worried about etc. You need a heart to heart - and then after she has told you, tell her you feel she needs a bit more support and outline what they are.

@Festoonlights yes you are right about the eating this was a major concern for us. This was at the start of this year. We took here to the hospital and they told her she needs to make sure she drinks and eats regularly. In fact this was something we were told to look out for when they started secondary. Spoke to school about it and they are also keeping an eye. She was quite skinny at the start of the year but seen a positive change since her coming off of social meda. She is a healthy weight but this is something that I’m monitoring and check in with her too.

i do think that teens are heavily influenced by what they see on SM and once you click, the algorithms quickly learn the content to pull for you to see. I’m glad that we have restricted her social media consumption there is definitely a huge change! Yes she did get a phone from a friend. We quickly confiscated it. She might get hold of another one but we keep an eye as we can tell when she has one. We have learnt to spot the signs.

But Roman wasn’t built over night and know it’s about little steps. Our issue is now the curfew and boundaries…

Today is she out with friends I have told her to make sure she is home at 6. I want to trust her. She has her phone and I have asked that she sticks to the agreement we have discussed inc. picking up our call and keeping us updated. Let’s see how it goes…

has anyone been through this and come out the other side would be interested in hearing how you worked with your teen for positive change…

Hello - I was quite a wild teen myself and recognise a lot of this behaviour. Actually I am surprised at some of the responses here - I wasn't allowed out doing whatever I wanted mid week - and surely part of the issue here is this girl not keeping clear communication going?

How about you sit down and renegotiate - she gets more freedom/ gets to see her BF in the week - BUT - she leaves phone downstairs at night, stops getting up early and commits to some other healthy behaviours.

It's such a hard age - I remember it so well, that desperation to be out where 'things' are happening - but there being so muich risky stuff going on - ie. drugs/ booze/ underage sex - I think it is a mistake to just let a girl this age - who clearly wants to push boudries - set all her own rules

She has the rest of her life to be a grown up - give her some freedom and respect but if you feel she is not coping with it, yes protect her from herself.

I think a blanket curfew is really silly, it depends on what they’re doing.

I have 3 dds, on school nights they are either at home or at clubs (usually finishing by 9 ish). They see their friends at weekends or go to parties, I’m happy for them to stay out late on a Saturday night.

As long as I know where they are I don’t insist on them being home at a certain time just for the sake of it.

I went through it - I was seriously out of control - at 15 I was behind bike sheds/ down in the park going 'too far' with boys I barely knew - I wish I had been treated more strictly! I started taking acid / smoking weed at 15 and within a year was raving/ taking ecstacy etc - in some ways I feel more horror at the behaviour out in the park at 15 - at least when I went raving we had an amazing time! I got pregnant while I was at sixth form - so many things were out of control for me.

My parents were very very disengaged as they were getting divorced.

Anyway, Im a very normal professional adult with kids now! Got my own younger teen and kids -

GOod luck - there is a book called 'Hold them tight - why parents need to matter more than peers' - read it.

@bendmeoverbackwards yes you are right a blanket rule under normal circumstances would be silly. However I’m working with her on trust and understanding consequences. If she shows that she is mindful of curfews and communication she agrees to then she gets privileges back - not sure if will work but grounding does not work. Again little steps.

@waterrat you have hit the nail on the head communication is core to all of this. I checked out reviews for the book you recommended looks good thank you!

Anyway you guys will be happy to hear she got home at 6! Picked up her phone to myself and her dad when she was out (even said I love you!?) not heard that for awhile - and had a lovely time with her friends. 😃

I could have wrote your post , except my Dd was just turned 14 .
It had been a nightmare with unsuitable friends , doing what she liked when she liked , phone misuse , going out at 8:30 coming in at midnight . And the arguments and eventually physical fights .

We contacted school and finally the police when she disappeared overnight , that triggered social services and very quickly we had support as a family and things are so much calmer .

She's making new friends , boyfriend gone . Always done well at school so that's not a problem

Regarding the phone if it's an iPhone learn how to use screentime . We can see what apps she uses and turn it off remotely every night . She hated it at first but now accepts and no more physical fighting to remove it .

It's a nightmare hope it improves for you soon .

Sorry had to end previous post early

My dd also complained we were too strict

She us nearly 15 now And we told her when she was just 14 these rules weren't forever which she hadn't realised ( immature)

Now she can go out straight from school as long as she checks with us first . Home by 7:30 if not eating out . She has pocket money to buy meal deal .
She comes home more than not now and if she goes out home by 9pm on school night and keep tracker on .

If she disappears ( tracker off after 9 ) she knows we have to call the police . We've only had to do that once and they gave her a telling off .

She was also leaving early morning but that's stopped also .

We don't chose her friends or boyfriends but she has had a nasty experience with both recently so is making new friends who seem much nicer . ( previous friends getting in trouble etc but she soon realised they were not nice )

Your not alone , it's more common than you think

Just read your prev post

We used the Solihull approach . I knew it from work and it reminded me to stay calm , be reciprocal and put in boundaries.

Once she realised we weren't going to go nuclear when she was exploding she started to be calmer .

Walking away after saying what we needed to say , not continuing an argument.

Trusting her and letting her make little mistakes.

She made me laugh the other week when she met up ( maybe by accident) with a local bad boy ( friend online) because she shared location with him . They went for a burger . I knew she was with him because someone let me know . But she came back on time (7pm) and when I told her I knew she had lied she said yes but you would go mad . I said " no, if you don't get into trouble you can choose your own friends " she laughed and said " I won't , don't worry and I'm home on time "

You will get through , her coming home on time is something to be celebrated for sure

Hang on

I’m gonna be so honest. With teenagers who are almost adults, there’s no winning with them. I know you want them to do better and follow your rules but a lot of teenagers just have this thing in their head where they don’t care. They literally just don’t care about curfews, how much there on their phones etc.

Maybe you should consider why your daughter is throwing her food back in the door before she goes to school. She could have body image issues. She could be developing an eating disorder if you are noticing she skips meals frequently, avoids eating in the day etc.

6.30PM CERFEW???? Oh my god.
My child’s cerfew was 6.30 when she was 10/11 if she was playing on the estate with the other kids on there bikes etc.
Ive read your replies about her not calling or texting when she changes location etc.
I think you actually forget she is a teenager. They move around a lot even if it’s in the same town/ city they move around a lot. They don’t wanna be texting you every single time they move around.

i do think having her live location is a good idea, however no matter which app you use to track them all they have to do is turn off there phone and it wont track them. there’s no point in trying. the only reason i would’ve ever track mine was genuinely for safety, like worst case scenario they where getting kidnapped or something. it was never to stalk there location, be nosy, query them on why they are there etc.

if the phone ever becomes an issue again where it’s stopping them from sleeping etc just try screen time - where u can restrict how many hours a day they can use certain apps/ have downtime on there phone . then u choose a password for it that she’ll never know so she can’t change the restrictions. simple. but DONT abuse this and don’t go overboard.

Coming home after 11+ on a school night is a bit much but If you are trying and trying to stop her from coming home so late, and trying and trying to remind her to text or call if she’s going to be late but she never ever does, ur gonna ware yourself out.
Put yourself in her perspective or imagine having her brain - she doesn’t care if she’s gonna be late, it doesn’t affect her at all. Which is probably why she never makes the effort to say so.

Also you SERIOUSLY have to be joking if you think her social media feed was filled up with stuff about eating disorders and self harm for no reason. That is quite literally one of the biggest red flags that you need to take her to a doctor right away and get her mental health assessed . It doesn’t matter if ur one of them parents who “doesn’t want a label on their kid” - She quite obviously needs help omg 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ clearly has stuff going on in her head . showing signs that she’s struggling a lot.
that would explain A LOT of her behaviour. the always wanting to be with her friends or boyfriend. probably because there the only things that don’t make her feel empty/sad. the bad eating habbits. the not caring about anything. it’s normal for teenagers to be a bit rebellious, but i know mental health issues when i hear it. the way your daughter is is pretty much how i was when i was a teenager (not so much the phone stuff),
and i remember to this day exactly how i felt and what was going on in my head at the time.

it obviously also is normal for a teenager to wanna socialise and stay out late with there friends. maybe she genuinely just likes going out. u have to accept that and not fight it. the more you try fight it SHE WILL push it even further and rebel more

you should try this thing with her. like a little trial.
for1/ 2 weeks, if she manages to get home by 9.30 on school nights and 11 on weekends, calls you if she thinks she’s gonna be a bit late etc then it’s all good. but if she fails, the second she gets home hours late her phone will be locked in a safe untill she can learn to come home at the correct time. seems harsh and gonna be hard to get the phone off her but if her phone is something she loves the only way to teach her to come home at a reasonable time is taking away that one privelage that she loves.

do you have locks on ur windows like ones that require keys? if not u should invest, so if you ever say no to her going out and she goes to just walk out she can’t. just lock every window and every door and have all the keys somewhere she’d never find them. simple

I feel like she’s also not that comfortable around you and her father because she feels like she’ll either get punished or judged.
Not much you can do ,but maybe one day when she’s sat in her room knock ask if you can go in and sit on the edge of her bed.
Ask her how she’s doing etc. Use a kind gentle voice.
Just express to her you’re a little bit worried about her. She wont react well to it at first . Proceed to say something like I’m your mum ,i just wanted to know i do see you i notice things and i feel like you’re not doing okay. I’m saying this because even though you probably don’t trust me or want to talk to me that much i am always here with open arms no matter what. I’ll never judge you. It’s the last thing you want to do i know,
but i needed you to know i AM here for you, no matter how much you push me away.

such a great post- full of truth and good advice

a 6pm curfew for a teenager feels insane i'm sorry op are you trying to push her away