15 year old dd and curfew

[LottieBaby]

I have a 15 year old and she started to change in year 10 (just started year 11). After lockdown really… She started to use social media to the point of addiction.

Her life became very unbalanced. Waking up at 4am - checking her feeds and messages. Then going to school, looking unkempt, skipping breakfast, and sometimes not eating lunch. I’d make her sandwiches and give her a bottle of water and she’d throw them back in the door and run off. In the winter she refused to wear her winter coat. I would put it on her and would find it dropped on the doorstep.

We told her not to take her phone in her room at night - she ignored. We asked her to give her social passwords after we noticed she was posting inappropriate pictures. She would shout kick and scream (still typical behaviour!) but we stood firm and took her phone from her and brought her a brick phone.

We also noticed that in messages to friends, she would say that we didn’t care what time she came home and she could do what she wanted and even told friends that if she was grounded she didn’t care and would do what she wants! Totally not the case - she just never follows house rules.

She started to hang out with mates after school missing curfew set. She would apologise but do exactly the same thing the following day. We would ground her (couple of days) but she screams, gets abusive and runs out the door. She even started coming home at 8, 9pm and sometimes as late as 11.30pm. Again apologised but she’d do the same thing all over again.

She had a boyfriend - we said that she couldn’t meet up with him after school so she started meeting him at 6.30am in the morning before school!

Not surprisingly she did really badly in her mocks. Very regretful and tearful. So over the summer I helped her to create a timetable. Mainly to help her find balance with her needs and wants.

We both signed an agreement- Eating healthy, study, go swimming, tidy room, practice piano and stick to curfew set (6.30pm weekdays and 9.30pm weekends over the summer). I said we would revisit times in the winter. She was doing really well with all but soon went back to old ways, saying she would not be going out during the school term in year 11 as she wanted to do well with her GCSEs.

Anyway we are back to school and I said she should come home straight after school (actually 5pm latest) for the first week to help her get into better habits for year 11. First 2 days were fine but now back to old habits.

yesterday I expected her to be home from school at 5pm she decided she was going to the park with friends with out telling me. No phone call -nothing (though I tell her she should at least call and let me know). Got in at 8pm.

When it comes to her social life she has the habit to tell us what she is doing.. not asking if she can do xyz.

So, I told her that she was not allowed out today. She agreed even said she was not going out because she hadn’t made plans. Everything was going well. I even told her I recognised the effort she was making and I was proud. She did her homework but then started to get ready to go out.

When I asked her what she was doing, she said she was going for a walk to read in the park. That was 12.30. I asked her to be home at 3pm - by 5pm I called her - she ignored my calls (normal for her) so i resort to contacting her friends to track her down. One of her mates said that she planned to attend a dinner at 7pm that they had planned! I called her and asked what she was playing at after what we had agreed and told her to be home at 9pm!

she made it home for 9pm but I’m getting sick and tired of the daily conflict and non communication.

please tell me what we should do

I have tried reasoning with her but she just doesn’t get it!

I feel like my home is a hotel and I’m her maid- she thinks she can talk to myself and her dad in the most disrespectful ways and do what she wants.

we just want her to take care of herself, live a balanced life - , be respectful, communicate with us and grow in to a good human/citizen and have a nice life. Oh and follow house rules and study for exams.

what are we doing wrong? We want to cry it feels so toxic! Is this normal??!

Sorry for the long essay… is anyone else going through this. We feel so alone.

Whilst lots of the behaviour isn't great the curfews seem very early for a 15 year old.

6.30 is a very early curfew for a 15yo. It sounds from your post like your smothering her, but also your not even slightly consistent.
You tell her she can't got out the. She gets ready and you tell her to be back by a ridiculously early time? It makes no sense.
You need to give her back some control over her life, talk to her ask her what she views as reasonable, work together rather than you dictating. It's a tough age but you have to be consistent.

Sounds like you're not giving her enough autonomy and freedom.

Does she want to swim and play piano?? And half 6 does sound early to be in. At the same age, if I did my homework, I had to be in by half 10 on a school night and midnight on the weekend and that was 30 years ago! I think the reins are too tight, you need to relax. She will win - it may not be immediate, but you will lose her at this point if you pull too tight.

Signed an agreement? Wtf sorry but the more you put these rules in place the more she'll break them taking her phone was harsh as well, my 14 year old doesn't have curfews etc and I don't have her phones password It's intrusive and a bit controlling.

I have questions:

Have you chosen her extracurricular activities or did she?
Why can't she see her bf after school? 😬
Why don't you confiscate her phone at night?
What are her peers like? Have you met them, invited them round? Are you worried about the group she hangs out with?
Gave you considered any mental health issues? Any eating disorders?

My thoughts were these:

My 16yo also hates wearing a coat. I gave up in the end. It's not worth the battle.
My DD has a curfew of 10pm. 6.30 is way too early. DD gets in, has dinner, does homework then goes out. At weekends it's 11pm.
Whilst you need to let go a bit, it seems you haven't put in good structure much earlier so she knows what your expectations are.
My DD says she's doing this or that and we say fine just let us know if you need collecting and if you change location tell us. Otherwise we don't mind what she does as long as it's not illegal or a bother to anyone else.
My DD has her phone but I don't know the security code. I also don't know her current account balance nor her PIN number. There are some things a teenager needs to keep private.
You're focusing too much on exam pressure. Believe me, she's getting a huge amount of pressure from teachers and herself right now. Back off. She needs time away from school and studying to just be a teenager and have fun.

Thanks for the replies guys…

Maybe we are being controlling

Whats a good curfew for during y11 school term?

I feel that we had to help her rein it in as she was on a real downward spiral.

Getting in to the habit of coming home at 11.45 on a school night has been done more than once… I do think it’s too late for a 15 year old - any day of the week really . Especially when they are not heading home in a group, don’t call or text, pick up your call and sometimes not where she says she would be. Then getting up super early… I think it was all too much. Or is it me?

the agreement was a kind of a reset - help her with a healthy routine, as we have had so many conversations - really wanting to meet her halfway but just wasn’t working. So this was to see how she got on and go from there.

Her phone was taken from her not just because of unhealthy habits she started to develop but also because her feed was full of posts about eating disorders and self harm… and wanting her password was about the inappropriate posts…

i agree about consistency… what I should have written was meeting up with friends after not sticking to time that she had already agreed with me (home 3hrs late) and also not calling us to let us know.

I thought Going out to the park with a book for an hour or 2 after study was a good reward.

any advice how we can help her to turn it round?

My DD is the same age and her curfew is 9:30 during the week and 11 on Friday and Saturday.

I don’t have her phone password, but she’s also not much of a social media user thank goodness.

Hey yeah sure ….

I have questions:

Have you chosen her extracurricular activities or did she?

She has done piano since 7. Wanted to carry it on as she is doing gcse music. swimming was just to get her exercising - she didn’t want to at first but she now loves.

Why can't she see her bf after school? 😬

because she started getting home at 11.45 far too often and some of the group they hang with are starting to experiment with recreational etc

Why don't you confiscate her phone at night?
I try - she would scream and shout and hide it. If I managed to get it she would take mine or would get in my face. This has got better since giving her the brick. For me it’s the curfew - I know it’s the age of boundary pushing and normal. I guess it’s how extreme just needs tips in how to get us both through.

What are her peers like? Have you met them, invited them round? Are you worried about the group she hangs out with?

Yep - she has made at different schools too (they start to chat on social) that she meets up with. most are good but some aren’t.

Gave you considered any mental health issues? Any eating disorders?

Yep considered both. I think the eating is more that she knows it worries me and that’s how she feels she can control. But doesn’t help when most of her peers worry about their weight. Must say her eating and drinking water has improved since helping her to change routine/habits/sleep pattern.

My thoughts were these:

My 16yo also hates wearing a coat. I gave up in the end. It's not worth the battle.

My DD has a curfew of 10pm. 6.30 is way too early. DD gets in, has dinner, does homework then goes out. At weekends it's 11pm.
Whilst you need to let go a bit, it seems you haven't put in good structure much earlier so she knows what your expectations are.
My DD says she's doing this or that and we say fine just let us know if you need collecting and if you change location tell us. Otherwise we don't mind what she does as long as it's not illegal or a bother to anyone else.
My DD has her phone but I don't know the security code. I also don't know her current account balance nor her PIN number. There are some things a teenager needs to keep private.
You're focusing too much on exam pressure. Believe me, she's getting a huge amount of pressure from teachers and herself right now. Back off. She needs time away from school and studying to just be a teenager and have fun.

Really appreciate the feedback. I have told her that she can have her Smart phone once I know she can use appropriately, not take it to bedroom at night or post risqué pics etc.

yes not all about study just keeping up with homework from now on so she’s doesn’t get herself into a pickle - like she did with her mocks. Life is all about balance I guess. Do the things you need to first then have fun (with in reason) friends.

you seem overly controlling a 6.30 pm curfew for a 15 year old is way too early and of course if you've banned her from seeing her boyfriend after school she's going to see him before, he's her boyfriend. You just seem to want her to not grow up, you say she's in year 11 if she chooses to go to college she'll be treated like an adult there and will be outside of your control, you have to loosen the reins. I actually don't think my curfew was ever 6.30 even when i was like 10 years old it's always been after 7pm, so for a 15 year old i can see why she's disobeying you in that regard

Wow I don't think you are being that strict. My son is almost 15. He has to be home by 7 on a school night, 10 on a weekend. Honestly I'm not really a fan of him roaming the streets at night anyway. I live in a shit area and the kids who are doing it, are getting in to trouble. My son is sensible and we talk pretty openly about things. Although I will say I don't have his phone password, if I told him to, he would give it to me after a bit of arguing but I do think he needs privacy.

I am in Australia, so maybe things are different. I really don't think there is any issue having an earlyish curfew on week nights, particularly if your daughters grades are suffering. No advice really just wanted to give another perspective.

Also I would pick your battles with regards to coats and breakfast. My son can choose what to wear or when to eat but I do expect him to let me know when he will be home and follow through with that. He knows that trust is important.

i have a 15 year old dd also just started in year 11. She hasn’t wanted to go out as much or as late as yours (yet) but over the last year or two we have had a lot of similar issues-—

• refusal to wear a coat since year 8
• awful at teeth brushing
• does practically no home work or revision and also messed up mocks
• room a tip
• on a couple of occasions when we said no to social things has done it anyway
• poor eating habits
• lots of phone use

She is a lovely kid but fiercely independent and stubborn as hell. Removal of phone or other punishments totally ineffective and just cause her to dig her heels in further. Whilst she is not abusive and does not really tantrum home environment became increasingly tense and lots of battles especially over homework and the teeth brushing.

I have switched my parenting and more or less handed the management of her life over to her. I realised she’s going to do it her way and the more I push the more she pushes back. She is going to walk her own path whether I like it or not and fighting over it doesn’t change that, it just creates a hostile environment and damages us. My one hard line is around rudeness- always challenge rude or unkind behaviour.

IWe now have lots of open and honest discussions about being safe, self care, future plans, impact of not studying, drugs, consent etc etc. I offer support and help and guidance. I want her to know she can come to me if she’s ever in trouble. I nag a little, but I no longer battle. Her room is a tip- she has to live in it and if she doesn’t have clean clothes bcs they are all over the floor then that’s the consequence, she goes out with no coat in freezing weather then she gets cold, she doesn’t study she will mess up and will have to deal with that- can’t tell you how hard I find the thought of that one! .

it’s really hard, I am quite controlling so can’t say I completely let go, I worry that I have given up on parenting and I have no idea if I am making the right choice, I am sure lots would say it isn’t, but I can say our relationship has improved massively and at home is so much less stressful. She has started to take responsibility more now that I have stopped controlling- brushes teeth more consistently, has a plan for revision (we’ll see), is more respectful of agreements we do make, even makes dinner for us sometimes!

Now our discussions are more open and less about me telling her what to do she listens more and is becoming more responsible. She is a great kid, I love her company and just hope she finds her way.

Sorry for the massive post!

Meant to add, knowing where she is and updates on time home is a non- negotiable and she is good at that

I do understand your worry but they are very early curfews. I personally would suggest you give her an alternative - she comes home after school, does homework and eats then go out until 9.30pm on weeknights. On Saturdays as long as she's already done her chores and homework 11pm is more reasonable though I personally didn't give my girls one, on Fridays I would be laid back too

Mine had to tell me where they were going and call for lifts. I was pretty laid back about most things. They are young adults now

Wow!! 11 pm curfew?! Do pp really find that appropriate for 15 year olds?! How are these kids getting home at that time of night?! No way I’d let DS stay out that late regularly.

Your curfews seem very early to me.

Mine are adults now (and have turned out fine) but I remember the 15/16 stage of house parties and picking them up at ungodly hours.

The battle over breakfast and coat wearing is a waste of time. That's not the hill to die on.

You seem rather rigid with your signed agreement re study and music stuff.

I personally would allow until about 9.30/10 through the week and normal weekends about 11 and later if at a house party and I was picking up.

You can't make her study. She will not be effective - she won't learn if she doesn't want to. It's hard as a parent to step back but she might have to find this out the hard way.

I have teen girls (youngest 15)

You are being very controlling op. You can't expect her to be in by 5pm and ban her from seeing her friends. You need to be far smarter when you are dealing with her.

Sit down with dd and work out TOGETHER what is a reasonable time to come home in the week day and week nights. Explain that unless she can keep her side of the bargain you will collect her from school yourself.

Talk openly about boyfriends, talk about contraception - acknowledge she is a young lady and this is a natural step for her to take. I imagine she is skipping off to meet someone, again this is perfectly normal. She needs more support around sex, posting nudes and what the consequences might be in a way that engages and involves her (no lectures).

You need to find a way of reaching her op, and cracking open a more equal and balanced discussion and relationship going forward, she is no longer a child and you are still parenting her like she is ten.
She can get married and have sex next year - she needs to be treated with more respect, more discussion rather than ordering her around and start asking for her opinions and thoughts. If you start to be very strict, I guarantee she will get even worse and more rebellious.

Week day to be home before 9pm
Weekends typically 10pm

Would be the timings I would be working towards, she only goes out once the home work is done, and checked by you.

I would suggest a family meeting with some coffees and work out with her in a relaxed and easygoing way - a plan forward - and there will be time she will let you down, it is to be expected but you can no longer do everything on your terms (swimming and music), she is about to be a young adult and needs to increasing make her own decisions and plans. Your job is to hand over the reins as safely as you can

PS Teens don't wear coats - it isn't cool
PPS Keep an eye on her eating, and monitor her meals carefully and ask school to do the same

I didn't have a curfew at 15. I left school at 15. I mean I wouldn't be in at stupid hours but I didn't have a curfew.

Doesn't sound like she has enough freedom.

Teenagers do not wear coats. No one knows why this is, but it is something they do, like a growth spurt or puberty, it is something hey all do.

Save 0money and get your self a nice coat.

15is a tricky age, they want to be in dependent and theink they are grown up but they are still children, but they need to make mistakes, to learn.

If she is with a group who are mainly OK with the odd not so good then leave her be, she has to make choices about who her friends are and part of that is negotiating groups with a mixture of people.

The social media use has not stopped because you gave her a brick, she now uses a second phone for that, she will jhave bought one, or a friend will have given her an old one. And another problem with the brick phone is that she isn't going to answer it in front of friends. that's social suicide.

Give her a choice, you can give her a smart phone but with tracking on it and you check it once a week (not for ever but for a few months).

Food - let her eat what she wants. If you are cooking a family meal then she has the option of that or making toast, but a health packed lunch, another social suicide for a teen.

Talk with her, and listen to her about her curfew and what is reasonable, what do her friends have?

Depending on how far she is from school / friends / social life can she come home after school and then go out again? So a sort of double curfew, she either comes home by 7.30 and stays in or comes home, does homework and can go out then until a later curfew?

Set the time around what is reasonable so if she goes tot he cinema you can't expect her to leave before the end of the film, if she has to get a bus home look at bus times.

What about having her friends round one evening a week? Let her have the living room for a couple of hours with unhealthy snacks and Netflix or cards against humanity or whatever teenagers do.

It made me smile that she decided to meet her bf at 6.30 am, that's actually clever thinking and she is obviously trying to keep to the rules.

I have a 15y (nearly 16) dd.
Coats, I have given up unless it's pouring.

Homework -I ask and encourage, make sure she has everything she needs, ultimately they are her exams. Suggest 2 nights during the week and 1 weekend day is kept clear.

Curfews: Home before dark during the week termtime (so 8-9pm) and if "hanging about" outside. I will pick her up from friends houses/parties at 10:30 if I have to work the next day and 11:30 at the weekend.

TBH I am now letting her stay over at her boyfriend's house, he is a nice respectful boy, his parents are lovely and she is sorted with contraception. Not on a school night though.

She does 2 extra curricular activities pretty much without fuss.

✌For 7,8 and 9 s in her GCSEs.

Sorry last 2 points:
Food Dd mostly eats what she is given (we are all veggi) although she loves some junk, she understands this isn't healthy. I make sure she has access to food she likes which isn't too bad (she like Avocados on toast and pasta)

Teeth, Dd is quite vain so this has not been an issue- I make sure she has regular dental checks.

Thank you for your POV everyone! It’s great to get new perspectives

We live in the middle of a very large city. Used to do pick ups and drop offs for her and even her friends (so they all got home safely) but recently got rid of the car.

Regarding the eating. We left her to it before, figuring she would eat when she was hungry…until it turned to fainting

I think what many of you have mentioned about home and study first, then going out till
set curfew could be a good approach…

though I think she will want do what her mates do - stay out and go home late. plus we are in a different area from her school/friends.

@ChangingStates so glad that your relationship is better. Maybe there is hope for us too

@Festoonlights Seriously, we tried all of that, also let her do things her way for awhile - that’s when it started to go downhill/ affect mental well-being and life balance- even mentioned we’d pick her up from school if she couldn’t stick to what she agrees to, which is/was essentially:

Try to Stick to our mutual agreed curfew time

if you’re going to be late call or text

if plans change call or text

pick up phone if we call or text you at curfew
time and your not home

dont Have phone in bedroom at night

i think doing the above shows maturity and respect and helps us to build trust and is good for wellbeing. Of course as she turns 16 she would/ will be given more freedom but she does not do any of the above even now

How do we build trust? Do I just let her keep doing this? Would that be giving up?

She is not sticking to times that she agrees or calling/picking up phone (even when she had her smart phone).

phone in room at night is not issue anymore - her sleep pattern is much better and she’s not as wired.

So we trying this new approach… trying to find what works. I say to her when your an adult and your late you contact the person that’s just what we do also shows respects

@sashh tried tracking location and monitoring of socials… she used to turn tracking off and would never show us her social. Yes the 6.30am thing was pretty clever of her (I wouldn’t tell her that though) but she was beginning to get sooo wired

p.s - not sure who mentioned earlier but she has not posted nude (thank heavens). We have had many discussions about the online world and digital foot print. It’s busty pictures we didn’t like or ones in bikinis - a Nono esp when your profile is not set to private (it’s private now though) but still Nono for these kind of pics.

If Dd is late without calling or breaks curfew she is grounded- she knows this (happened once or twice) so is generally pretty good at coming back on time.

I actually had a text on Friday asking to be collected at 9:30 as things " were getting wild" and she wanted to come home.