Things are horrible in our house atm!

[Peony26]

Ds just turned 16, and long story short is being so lazy then nasty! I am having to tell him to have a wash and brush his teeth, that’s how bad it is, it’s absolutely ridiculous, everything is a battle, and then because I have told him, he’s really nasty and rude! Which absolutely grinds my gears so then I’m shouting at him, he hates me and the cycle continues! Tonight after a huge row about how dirty his bedroom is, he went out not asking us or telling us where he was going, we tracked his phone so we knew he was safe but gave him some space until about 9.30pm and texted to ask him what was going on, he took no clothes, toothbrush etc he has work tomorrow, no way of getting there, no phone charger nothing but said he was moving out, turned out he was at some random friends house so we bribed him back and tried to talk to him but as soon as he didn’t get his own way he went off on one again! I have sat him down and calmly asked him what’s wrong, he says nothing, I’ve explained the way he’s making us feel and how we are in this vicious cycle, I’ve asked him how he’s feeling and what we can do, but I am just talking to a brick wall! Omg im so frustrated atm I’m asking him for the simplest things, and trying to give him some freedom but he’s just acting so irresponsible and then blaming everyone else when things go wrong for him! 🤦🏼‍♀️ Urgh everyone warns you about no sleep with a newborn etc but this is hell I’d rather have 3 newborns any day! 🙄

Sorry to hear this, it sounds very stressful.
That is a very difficult age, they're physically big and strong, gaining more independence with college and part time jobs etc and think they know everything about life, but they're still very much children - both legally and developmentally. They might look like (and occasionally act like) adults but they are still a very long way off having an adult brain in terms of managing their impulsivity, planning/organising, emotional regulation etc.
You sound like a great parent, I think you did the right thing to track his phone but then also give him some space. It sounds incredibly frustrating that he won't engage with you in a conversation. Please keep trying though and let him know that you're ready to listen when he is ready to talk. The book "How to talk to teens will listen, and listen so teens will talk" is very helpful and has some really straightforward, useful guidelines on how to manage tricky conversations with teenagers. I really recommend it.
Re the laziness, I know it's a cliche but "pick your battles" would be my top piece of advice here. I would try to sit down with him and negotiate a (short!) list of guidelines over how he will keep his room. Think about what you really can and can't accept. Plates with food on them = no (and explain why, even if it seems obvious). But maybe clothes on the floor, dust on surfaces etc could be things you choose to ignore. That limits the need for endless nagging which is stressful for both of you.
As for personal hygiene - sadly, he is probably going to have to learn the hard way and face the inevitable consequences of not taking care of himself. Teens are super motivated by their peers' opinions. The moment one of his friends (or crushes!) mentions his bad breath I'm sure he will remember to brush his teeth.
Good luck 😊

my son was terrible foe deodorant and teeth brushing for a while there. One day I said, well it’s up to you if you want to be known as the smelly kid. One day he forgot deodorant and could smell himself it was that bad. He’s pretty good now. I bought him a spare to carry in his backpack after that.

sometimes “you stink” has to come from a friend if it’s going to be heard.