How to support dd to leave toxic relationship

[mumnamechange]

Name changed for this as specifics could be outing. And long post, sorry, I will try not to leave anything out.

Dd 15 has been a relationship with a boy from school, also 15 for a few months. Dd's mh is not 100% following covid; social anxiety, withdrawn, sad and bdd, we are trying to convince her to have some talking therapy but she is resistant. The boy is also not 100% ok mentally, talks of depression, can behave erratically, with extreme/out of proportion reactions to situations - getting extremely upset, angry and saying awful things about himself or others.

This is her first relationship, not even kissed before (she has a good relationship with me and tells me most things fortunately) but it isn't his first. It has become apparent that their relationship is not healthy, it started by becoming incredibly close, incredibly quickly. I now recognise that he was love bombing her, heaping on compliments, wanting to see her constantly, very physical and making her feel great initially, then talking of other girls he fancied or was chatting to, which made her come crashing down again.

Her best friend has approached me privately saying she is really concerned that he is emotionally manipulating dd and controlling her. Also that he, when drunk, has threatened self harm if my dd left him and said he had tried to kill himself during lockdown. My dd is very worried that he will do something and he manages to also manipulate her with this strategy.

Her friends have told her they are worried, he is bad news and she should split from him. My dh and I have also said we think they aren't good for each other atm, that he may need professional support and they should at least take a break, but she was vehemently against this.

We have contacted the pastoral lead at school with concerns for them both and are prepared to talk to his parents if school don't but I know this will cause huge waves with my dd.

What I really need from you lovely mumsnetters is advice to convince her to make her own decision to leave him. I worry that if we put too much pressure on it may push them closer together and away from us.

Have any of you any advice or experience of this type of situation? I would be very grateful.

Sorry to hear, that is a really tough situation. Ultimately she had to make her own decision. Some things that might help:
Keeping her busy with other stuff in her life, making a real effort to keep her talking openly about stuff. Keep modelling positive relationships around her. Keep her self esteem high. If that doesn't work then being very clear and honest as well as supportive. I'm sure she'll eventually see the light!

Thank you bluejelly, it really is tough. I agree. I so wish she had previous positive experience to draw from. Thank you for your advice.

Bump. Really need some help 🙏

Sorry to hear you are experiencing this. I don't really think I can help but didn't want to read and run.

I would be careful about trying to get them to separate as she won't see it through anyone else unfortunately, she needs to see it herself.

I would maybe try and get in a few conversations about similar things, change it a little so she isn't sus. But like oh gosh you know becky I work with, well her daughter is seeing this boy who blah blah blah. Then what your thoughts are about it. So it's not directly aimed at her but she might take something from it. Does that make sense?

I think they are still so young and blinded at this age but always be there for her, keep the communication open and I'm sure she will cotton on herself in time. Good luck.

Hi OP,

I was in a similar situation as your daughter at her age ( I was 15). However, as an adult, I wish that my mum or someone would have recognised the signs and told me to leave him though at the time I probably would have felt mortified! I stayed for two years and had the usual threats if i were to leave etc but instead of anyone recognising the issues, they stayed quiet. I agree it may not be what your daughter wants to hear right now, but definitely try sharing your concerns with her again. Maybe reassure her that it is unlikely any harm will come to him if she were to leave (if she were to make that decision), and if there is (which would be terrible), then it is not her fault! (This is what kept me in my first relationship for so long due to fear!)

I personally remember seeing all the red flags, but I was too embarrassed and young to stand up for myself. Ended up in a much worse situation two years later which I must say, negatively impacted me for many years as this was my first relationship!

Hope that helps even a little bit ♥️ though I appreciate it is a very difficult situation OP, good luck

Be there for her re assure her she’s normal and nothing wrong either reason I’m saying this as my first boyfriend was gay I had no idea was made to deal a freak sexually. The damage ruined my sex life for virtually ever.

@ManicMonday007 thank you, I agree I shouldn't force them apart, I really wish I could though 😢I'm making sure I'm available to talk always. But i admit my frustration with the situation is starting to show. I've talked to her about all my concerns about him and she sees them all but she seems blind to them as she is so infatuated with him. That's a good idea to talk to her about the situation using scenarios, thank you.

@poppyflower1803 I'm so sorry you went through it too. As her first relationships I do worry that it is shaping her expectations for future relationships. Did you find it did that to you? Do you mind if i ask how you got out in the end?

@Always4Brenner so sorry that happened to you. I agree, lots of positive communication can really help. I try to see things from her point of view. This is such a pivotal age and like you said, can effect relationships for years. I hope you are OK.

@mumnamechange

Thank you ♥️ it was not a fun time! I don't think it shaped my expectations in relationships too negatively as it made me realise exactly what I didn't want in a relationship, though when I did get into new relationships, it did take me a while to have set boundaries and know when to leave as that sort of negative treatment was what I was used to in a relationship. So went through a few dodgy flings and experiences!

In the end he broke up with me! He basically said that I was the majority of the problem in the relationship (this was when I would start to stick up for myself). I was grateful to get out in the end and quickly met my partner who I have been with for years, though sometimes i do slip back into that relationship mentally which I have been trying to work on.

I think, if I had a choice and knew what I knew now, I never would have got in that relationship and would have just enjoyed being a child and being with my friends at school. I feel a wasted a good few years being unhappy.

However, every situation is different and it may be you have to let her explore this relationship in her own way. It was a difficult time, but I have learnt a lot from it and grown from it too. Pros and cons!

@poppyflower1803 Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience, it's awful how negative connections can influence for so long, but i take the positive that it helped you realise what you didn't want going forward.

My dd is strong in her decision making, currently making decision i don't agree with, but i take comfort that there is strength in her.

I will keep taking to her, gently calling out behaviours in concerned about, but will be supporting and listening to her too. And just hope that she sees for herself.

Sorry for the typos

Thank you for caring very dark place now but that’s been my whole life I’ll survive I always do but tired of it all.

Keep strong , Keep drip feeding what a good relationship is and be patient .

My DD now 15 has come out of a 6 month relationship with a boy at school same age . We had overdose , controlling behaviour , running away , saw bruising marks on her .

Every time she did something away from him he turned up and caused an argument. Told me he was befriending her friends so that he could go along and be with her all the time .

It's a nightmare to witness and I was quietly vocal about my thoughts .
Saying things to her like . " it's funny how you love music but your bf hates it .
When she said you don't like him do you ? I replied honestly " I don't like when I hear him call you stupid because you arnt "

But I invited him in the home , kept him and her close.

Eventually he went from being obsessed and started seeing other girls and she found out and then needed me for her broken heart .

Keep things light because she will go through maybe a few tricky relationships and she needs to come to you without feeling embarrassed or shamed .

I did involve school ( they said they knew they were together and it was concerning , the teacher even called him " a different level and said I hadn't met the real him yet when I said he seemed ok in early days "

Hope things settle soon x

@mumofblu I'm sorry you went through it too, it's so awful to see someone mistreating your child when you can't really stop it. I don't remember relationships being like this when I was their age!

She also says 'you don't like him mum do you?' and I say I don't like the way he behaves towards you.

I question why her friends all don't like him, also she let slip that his ex's friends would have a go at him too. And i said that's so weird, surely he is the common factor...?

She sees it all but is blind to it at the moment, i will have to ride the storm and be there for her when it ends, hopeful soon.