How am I meant to do this?? How do you do it?

[User1053051066]

I'm just lost.....mostly with 14yo dd.

I suppose it's the typical teen stuff- but I can't keep doing this, asking her to do minimal things, to get minimal effort back and then some. I can't let her have her phone at night (she would never go to sleep) so it comes down in the evening but then that's a battle, or late. Then it's supper, then she remembers homework, then she remembers she needs a shower, then she grabs supper, then heads off to bed but god knows what actual time she does because then I struggle to get her up. I'm tired of the constant chasing. I can't keep it up, I have other kids to see to, ones who need taking to clubs etc in the evening so often she's home alone, doing nothing, in a messy bedroom which she cares little about.

I don't think I'm getting my point across very well, without a lengthy thread, but please tell me how to encourage my teen to do more and not need to be told.

I have had this too. Was awful for a while, tried shopping trips, taking them out with friends etc. Didn't really work. But mine is sometimes nice after doing their fave physical hobby (last one remaining). Good phase just now.
My standards are low, as long they go to school, do some homework, are eating and not self harming I'm OK with most things.
Are there any blue sky moments in the clouds op when your teen is nice and happy?

sorry didn't answer your question at all. I'm gonna say don't expect the unexpectable.

If you want them to do something I guess you've tried all the usual strategies like bribes sorry incentives (treats, lifts, pocket money etc).

But most teens need to be told imo.

May I join you? You described DS 13yo to a T. I think it is our fault as he does help out around the house but not as much as we should have encouraged. We need to break the cycle, I just don't know how.

is it the attitude that bothers you or the actual lack of action? I sometimes find giving them the whole "with independence comes responsibility" vibe helps. e.g of course you can have a sleepover if your room is tidy".
"we can have a takeaway/your favourite meal if you agree to clear it away afterwards".

Is it too late for parental controls on their mobile? we still do this for ds12. Internet access just goes off after 2 hours use.

I would have a sit down meeting and say you have noticed that she seems to forget things like homework etc. Ask her what things can she think of that would help her keep track of it? ie don't solve it for her but get her to think about it. She doesn't even need to answer immediately, tell her to have a think about it, ask her friends what they do and then come back to it a day or two later.

Re the phone, explain that the rules of the phone are that it comes to you at X time of before, she could even set an alarm on it so it is never late. But tell her that if she argues with you over it then she is not as mature as you know she can be and so surely the solution would be that you don't return the phone back to her for a few days. Hopefully this is enough to make sure she hands it over willingly.

The getting up in a morning issue is again point out that she seems to not be getting enough sleep and what does she think she should do about that? Sympathise and tell her that yes it is shit when you haven't had enough sleep and surely it is better to get more sleep so she doesn't feel awful getting up for school.

Yes I have teenagers and they are older than this. We have had similar conversations where we point out issues and get them to resolve them. Re phones that was the condition of having the phone so there has never been any strops over handing it over because the threat was they would lose it. We always came at this not in a judgemental way pointing out their mistakes but a we want to help you get more organised etc.

It’s hard and also my dh can undermine me slightly with our dd15 which makes me sad that I am ‘bad cop’

Things that mainly help here:
I’ve lowered my standards re her room.Rules are mainly no hot food up there, bring bin, crockery etc down every couple of days. I ignore the dust and make up.

phone and other gadgets handed in by 10.30pm every school night (I get firmer with her if it is getting near to 11pm and she’s reluctant)

Also on school nights shower or bath by 9.30 otherwise she gets tireder and more stroppy.

Offer incentives for good behaviour and also for things like decluttering. So if she gives me 5 tops for the charity bag for example, I buy one new top.

Would it be practicable for you to maybe invite her on one of the journeys with the other dc. I’m thinking for example if you were dropping them off and then take just her for a hot chocolate or burger?

the other thing I do is really reward and encourage any interest at all in doing appropriate activities out of the house away from gadgets. For example park or swimming with friends I will offer lifts and money for chips etc to keep her socialising nicely and off the gadgets.

Would she like the responsibility of making a simple dinner for everyone once a week if you let her choose the menu?

Hey! I have 13 year old DD, who also does very little in the home. I’ve tried making chore charts, asking nicely, reminding her and yelling, but each approach is met with attitude, lies and arguing. I find that taking away her phone and physically taking her to the bathroom and making her shower, is the way to get showering out of the way.
as far as the attitude goes, I’m at a loss and struggling with the same thing x