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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year old dd seeing boyfriend every night

16 replies

lifestooshortandsoami · 07/09/2022 18:55

posting as me and dh have different views on this!

16 year old dd has been seeing her boyfriend for just over a month and wants to see him nearly every night after sixth form etc and at the weekends. She also sees her friends some nights but as they’re part of the same friend group he’s usually there too.

dh thinks this is obsessive and we should stop her seeing him some nights (although they’d just FaceTime instead)

I sort of see what he means but think it’s upto her and we can encourage her to do things with her friends on her own etc but she’s at any age where it’s a bit unfair to say she can’t see him?

I do say she has to make sure homework done/ jobs in the house done before she goes out/ comes round otherwise she just wouldn’t do them

thoughts please as to whether we should restrict her seeing him or let her decide?
thanks in advance

OP posts:
LifeInAHamsterWheel · 07/09/2022 18:58

At 16 I don't think you can really? So long as she's not neglecting studies or chores etc and still sees her girlfriends then surely it's fine to see her boyfriend whenever they can? I remember that age, there is nothing like young love it's intoxicating 😍

CaramelTwirl · 07/09/2022 19:04

Was he ever 16? And just how is he going to stop her from seeing him?

PeekAtYou · 07/09/2022 19:06

Do you think that she might change her mind when it starts to get colder and darker earlier?

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 07/09/2022 19:06

Casting my mind back to the distant past when I was 16, that all sounds completely normal. At 16 first love is sooooo intense.
Leave her to it.

Runningintolife · 07/09/2022 19:08

We are in the same boat. We set some groundrules and they are not set in stone. But we explained that we are happy for them to see each other but that we don't want 'her to lose her' or be attached at the hip because she still needs time and space for herself, self care and other commitments and they're dating, not living together so they don't need to be together all the time. We think she appreciated the boundaries actually. So we agree that he goes/she comes home by 9 on weekdays and that they don't meet up every day. She's 17 now and they are 6 months + so its moved on gradually but still with expectations and boundaries. It empowers them to say what space they need too.

Original poster
lifestooshortandsoami · 07/09/2022 20:15

@CaramelTwirl sometimes I do wonder the way he talks as any time I talk about what teenagers do he always says he didn’t?!

He thinks we should say she can’t go out to see him or he can’t come here… which in fairness we could but who is to say she wouldn’t just say she was meeting friends and go meet him anyway?

I’m trying to be reasonable and trust her but it is tricky as she does sometimes push the times we say to be home (but sometimes this is early as he’s worried about her being out late on) I think he worries about her but doesn’t realise we need to start letting her grow up?

OP posts:
Original poster
lifestooshortandsoami · 07/09/2022 20:17

Runningintolife · 07/09/2022 19:08

We are in the same boat. We set some groundrules and they are not set in stone. But we explained that we are happy for them to see each other but that we don't want 'her to lose her' or be attached at the hip because she still needs time and space for herself, self care and other commitments and they're dating, not living together so they don't need to be together all the time. We think she appreciated the boundaries actually. So we agree that he goes/she comes home by 9 on weekdays and that they don't meet up every day. She's 17 now and they are 6 months + so its moved on gradually but still with expectations and boundaries. It empowers them to say what space they need too.

Thank you that makes sense. I think the clear ground rules is important and making she she respects them. It’s tricky as she is trying to bend some of the ground rules so he then thinks she’ll be worse if we day she can see him every day/ stay out later etc?

OP posts:
Original poster
lifestooshortandsoami · 07/09/2022 20:18

PeekAtYou · 07/09/2022 19:06

Do you think that she might change her mind when it starts to get colder and darker earlier?

Possibly although at the moment she’s not bothered - and she’s always cold so it her it is already cold (whereas I’m the opposite and am always hot ha)

OP posts:
lailamaria · 07/09/2022 22:46

ffs she's 16 not 6, he can't control her forever she'll be an adult in 2 years or less and then he'll have no say anyway, he can't keep her locked up away from her boyfriend it's not his place nor is it yours there's sort of very little you can do now to influence her at all sorry but it's true

waterrat · 08/09/2022 09:00

I was insanely in love at 16. I couldn't bear to be apart from my boyfriend ....I think there has to be a balanced picture of her life - is she doing her school work/ does she seem happy generally / does she still see friends - if so, let her enjoy being wildly in love

I wish my parents had spoken to me calmly about 'relationships' I don't remember that sort of conversation - ie. teach her that it's good to protect some of yourself/your life/ your friendship in case you fall out/ break up with your boyfriend.

You could 'encourage' her without being judgemental to keep a night or two free without him?

Amazongirl9 · 08/09/2022 09:10

@waterrat is spot on. You can’t stop this and trying to enforce some arbitrary limits will just re enforce her determination to see him, and probably make it more intense and for longer. Speaking calmly about the wisdom of keeping up with friends, schoolwork etc whilst understanding her current passion for the boyfriend, so she understands that you understand, will pay dividends in the longer term.

Mischance · 08/09/2022 09:25

She's in love! - remember that?

The more you fight her on this, the more she will do stuff behind your back, which you do not want. Try and strike a balance that does not come across as failing to understand how she is feeling - it is biology! You cannot fight this!

Oblomov22 · 08/09/2022 09:32

Actually I think every day is excessive. Talk to her and encourage he to cut it down to 6 to start with?

But generally I don't think this is a problem, my rule has always been so long as you're performing at school both academically and are well behaved what you do after that is acceptable.

Anothernamechangeplease · 08/09/2022 09:33

I think it's hard to control a 16yo. You can't lock her up!

That said, I would be concerned about the intensity of a relationship at 16 where they were seeing each other every night, as well as presumably seeing him in school every day as well. It's too much at that age, I think, especially if it's 1:1 time - less so if they're just hanging out together as part of a bigger friendship group. I would be gently encouraging her to have some time away from him, seeing other friends, focusing on her school work, doing other things. I would let it be her decision though.

Anothernamechangeplease · 08/09/2022 09:38

For contrast, my dd is 17 and her boyfriend is also in her friendship group. They're both busy with part time jobs, hobbies, schoolwork, family etc and they both have time with friends without each other. They probably have 1:1 time around one night a week (more in the holidays) and go out together as part of a bigger group of friends maybe once or twice a week as well.

Honestly, I think dd would find every night of the week a bit suffocating. They're young and don't necessarily need that level of commitment. The key difference is that dd herself recognises this, so there we haven't had to have a big battle about it.

Steakandquinoa · 17/03/2023 07:52

PeekAtYou · 07/09/2022 19:06

Do you think that she might change her mind when it starts to get colder and darker earlier?

lol, cold never killed teenage love! Just makes you cling closer together.
It is intense but if you force her to stay away she’ll just be pining for him the whole time and thinking you’re unreasonable. YourDH sounds a bit like my mum was- I’m still married to the boyfriend I had at 16, 30 years later.
Keep the lines of communication open, don’t be the enemy.

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