Oh dear have I done the wrong thing

[TheRealGracePoole]

Hard to know where to start with this one.

i just need to share I think .

as background dd is 18 this month, dh does not agree with bfs staying over , I don’t like it too often but am a little bit more relaxed and last night was their prom so I just thought he would stay . He is quite loud and has a sort of energy that fills the house and is quite Intrusive. Me and dh are very chilled and peaceful so it’s obvious.

so they came in after the event last night at around 4 sorted themselves out, clattering and banging, and started bickering. I message to be quiet they continued bickering. (The bickering is a common theme in the relationship and he has been prone to aggressive outbursts , not really here but I think it has been a repeated incident at home and one time his mum called the police and my dd brought his little sister here for a sleepover)

so I went in a couple of times and asked them to keep the noise down.

then DD2 screams out in pain and starts crying. I am embarrassed to say I lost it. I went in and told him to get out. He started raging at me about how he was going to call the police, so of course I was wondering what he had done.

dd starts telling me ( and she elaborated later) that at the after party he started shouting at her and dragging her off the dance floor saying she was cheating on him. She said on the bus he was ranting at her and lots of the people on the bus were telling her to move seats away from him.

so he is shouting at me about calling the police and repeating himself, I tell him to get in my car I am taking him home. So we are driving him home and he is screaming and screaming at me about how I have accused him of something (which I didn’t I just wanted him out and to find out why dd was hurt) and threatening to jump out of the car.

It’s now 5am or maybe after.

i get him to his house, his mum is woken by his screaming and shouting and it looked to me like he shook his mum. She tried to excuse him saying its like this when he drinks on top of his adhd medication . I felt quite sad for her. He his band works away and my understanding is it’s partly to do with his sons behaviour.

got dd home and she went straight to sleep. I have not slept I am too worked up.

i really think this aggressive behaviour is a massive red flag and quite frankly do not want him in my house. I have young children too. Is this unreasonable? I think dd should call it a day, but can’t force her. We live in a small community and I like his mum so feel a bit bad but my priority needs to be my daughters emotional and physical well-being.

Total red flag
Talk to DD about boundaries and acceptable behaviour.
I would be fine banning him from my house.
She needs to know that this is not acceptible behaviour.
ADHD, drink, stress etc are NEVER excuses for this behaviour.

Do you really even need to ask? The red flags have been waving for a while from what you've said so I can't work out why you haven't intervened before.

And no you can't force your daughter to break up with him, but you can teach her to have high standards and respect for herself.
There are online resources such as the freedom program which may seem a bit over the top but do make good points about relationships.

Good luck

Yes I'd ban him from the house on the basis of having no respect for you or the house. You can't decide for her if she wants to stay with someone who disrespects her but you can make your own boundaries very clear. I can see why it might be awkward with the mum but a casual "I can't have that behaviour in my house around my younger children " should cover it off without getting into sounding judgemental or against the relationship. I would have done exactly the same as you and actually I think you were quite bloody restrained!

Your dd is in an abusive relationship. You cannot force her to dump him, but you can talk to her about healthy relationships and boundaries that should never be crossed. I would absolutely ban him from your house, unless you have reason to believe that that would put your dd at risk in some way. And I would call the police if he demonstrated any violent or aggressive behaviour.

You handled it very well and did everything right. Full marks for your restraint, I'd have probably given him a piece of my mind at the same time.

Do not back down.

I think you are misunderstanding the idea of red flags. Usually people are referring to warning signs. What you have described is clearly already an abusive relationship. Do you know why your daughter screamed and then cried?

I would definitely focus on why your daughter is in this relationship, learning about healthy relationships, her self esteem etc.

Well done on getting him out of your house and back to his safely. That must have been a fucking difficult job. 👏

I would bam the bf from the house. As you said, you can't force your dd to dump him but you can show her that you have boundaries and keep home her safe space from him.

Thanks everyone. You have clarified my thoughts. She is still asleep, my understanding is he had taken her phone and was trying to make calls on it and would not give it back , in the process of her trying to get her phine he broke one of her nails and it hurt, but she mentioned something about her back, I need to have a look when she wakes up. If she had any marks I will be involving the police she said he kept spooning up behind her tightly.

a good chat in the light of day will be good.

freedome programme is a good idea, i have some resources.
\thank you,

I always value the input of wise Intellegent women. X

So sorry for what you went through - thank goodness we have brave women like you in the world OP

Oh gosh thank you, I didn’t feel brave, bricking it all the way to his mums in the car wondering what I was going to do if he jumped out while I was doing 40 mph and searching for the door lock button in the dark.

She needs to stop being with him, full stop.

Where was your DH in all this? Why was it not him taking the bf home in the car? (though I would have just chucked him out of the house). Why were you doing all this OP instead of him dealing with it man to man?

in answer to your questions, I don’t want to leave the thread hanging….I wanted to get him home safe becasue we are quite isolated…… had
I just turned him out in that state potential consequences could have been either … he turned back up and climbed in dds window hours later (previous form) …he walked home (7 miles or so) and got there, or got run over on the main coastal route (not unheard of for young ones after a night on drink sadly) or ended up in the sea (also not unheard of) . No need to add tragedy to the trauma.

without giving myself away as my family story is quite unique, we are a blended family. The dds spent a good deal of time living with their father where they endured some level of trauma. My fight for them was real and long, but it has been like adopting two teenage girls. We are well down the road now and they are doing well I have work hard hard hard at parenting them therapeutically and actually I think (for once actually blowing own trumpet) maybe my parenting methods were best In
This circumstance. Had DH got involved it would have been fire with fire and a more dramatic ending than we had would have ensued. Hard as it was I think in hindsight I did the right things.

dd is totally shut down to him at the mo. I have not had to say much but I have stressed that his behaviour is not acceptable and she needs to think hard about where she goes from here.

bf is spamming me trying to pull my heart strings and she has told me to ignore him.

If it’s known he gets aggressive when drinking on top of his meds, he shouldn’t be drinking at all.

You handled it really well, and your DD has obviously appreciated that.

Well done on managing a challenging situation so well

So your dd has suffered trauma and is now in an abusive relationship . My dd and our family benefitted greatly through my dd having counselling . Unlike you my dd aligned with the boy , both 14 , and him from a home with dv . They have now separated thank god and she is struggling to process him going from adoring to abusive . Her trauma was sa aged 8 . She has trouble recognising red flag behaviour and accepting any control including us trying to protect her . My Dd is 14

Could your daughter access the freedom program ? To help her see when something is controlling .

The only thing I wouldn't have done is take him home . I would have called his parent to collect him and or a taxi . He is not your responsibility and tell him to stop spamming you , that's another control . If he doesn't stop block him . You do not have to accept his behaviour because he is with your Dd . Show her this example .

I hope it all works out for you all , esp your dd .

You 100% did the right thing. As others have said, these aren't 'red flags', this is a HUGE billboard announcing 'abusive relationship'.
He has used force in varying degrees upon your daughter and he has been verbally abusive to you. Therefore he has lost the privilege of being in your home.

That's my take! I hope your daughter is ok.