Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Husband sides with son about everything

26 replies

Susiy · 02/09/2022 21:09

Hi all,
looking for some advice.
My DH systematically sides with our teenage son on everything and contradicts me on any matter relating to our son.
He recently told me in no uncertain terms that no-one listens to a word you say.
I'm fed up.
I feel he is using our son as a pawn to get at me or as a power play.
At this point I want to leave both of them to one another.

OP posts:
mothertrucking · 02/09/2022 21:11

Same boat here. I honestly just want to walk out. My 'DP' cannot and will not back me up on anything - he's always got to be the good guy. Because heaven forbid he should be anything other than their best mate. I've got 2 DS.

mothertrucking · 02/09/2022 21:12

Sorry pressed send to early.

I have no advice, I wish I did. You have my complete sympathy

Original poster
Susiy · 02/09/2022 21:37

Thanks - DH has always chosen to be Mr nice guy all the time. He loves doing things for our son or giving him presents or money etc but always avoided having to impose boundaries or get son to do homework or chores etc. As an example, I ordered 1 tonne of top soil and 1 tonne of mulch in Spring and got zero help from either to spread both on the flower beds etc. DH just laughed and said that the garden was my idea (we moved house a few years ago) and then my son repeated the same thing and refused point blank to help me spread the top soil or mulch - it took me two weeks on my own while the two tall strong males in the house played video games - yet we all live in the house and all benefit from the garden. I also encouraged our son to get a summer job (he's 17) but he decided to get a weekend job only as he didn't want to work a 5-day week and instead spent half the day in bed only getting up at 2pm or 3pm which DH said was fine as he won't be able to do this when he's older. I feel DH is teaching our son to be lazy and to lack discipline which he will need to succeed later in life but that's fine so long as dad is the most popular parent.

OP posts:
Framedays · 02/09/2022 21:45

The same here but I have twin girls it is upsetting a specially now when we should have boundaries right. I'm the bad one they hate me.

mothertrucking · 02/09/2022 21:46

Susiy · 02/09/2022 21:37

Thanks - DH has always chosen to be Mr nice guy all the time. He loves doing things for our son or giving him presents or money etc but always avoided having to impose boundaries or get son to do homework or chores etc. As an example, I ordered 1 tonne of top soil and 1 tonne of mulch in Spring and got zero help from either to spread both on the flower beds etc. DH just laughed and said that the garden was my idea (we moved house a few years ago) and then my son repeated the same thing and refused point blank to help me spread the top soil or mulch - it took me two weeks on my own while the two tall strong males in the house played video games - yet we all live in the house and all benefit from the garden. I also encouraged our son to get a summer job (he's 17) but he decided to get a weekend job only as he didn't want to work a 5-day week and instead spent half the day in bed only getting up at 2pm or 3pm which DH said was fine as he won't be able to do this when he's older. I feel DH is teaching our son to be lazy and to lack discipline which he will need to succeed later in life but that's fine so long as dad is the most popular parent.

I hear you completely. My DP is exactly the same. Constant Disney dad, it doesn't matter how many times I try to put my point across he just patronises me and walks all
Over me. The two boys now do the same. I actually dislike them all a lot now.
I wish I could offer some helpful and
Constructive advice but I can't.
I'm honestly fed up of taking their shit.

AmandaHoldensLips · 02/09/2022 21:51

Go on strike.

Until they can show you the respect you deserve they can naff off.

Seriously. Stop doing anything for them.

vipersnest1 · 02/09/2022 21:51

@Susiy, 'I feel DH is teaching our son to be lazy and to lack discipline which he will need to succeed later in life but that's fine so long as dad is the most popular parent.'
Unfortunately, it's not just that. Your DH is also training your DS to be disrespectful to females.
Make plans to leave and to get a divorce in place.
I'm not in the automatic LTB camp, but in this case you need to. Faced with a husband and a son who both disregard (and probably minimise?) the way that you feel, there is no way you can resolve this unless you are prepared to say that they are completely right and that you will be submissive to all of their desires.
I know it will be a huge change for you, but ask yourself the question: do you want to be always be held to their desires and wishes while yours are ignored? Believe me, I know. The longer you go with it, the less of you will be there. It's time to get out.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 02/09/2022 21:54

I would never normally tell someone to leave a child but the level of disrespect that your child is showing, encouraged by his father, is absolutely shocking. You are just a live in servant to both of them.

Original poster
Susiy · 02/09/2022 21:58

Thanks mothertrucking - it's helpful to know that I'm not the only one - it's getting to the point where I just want to move away once school is done and start anew - I don't feel there's any future for me in a house where the other two people don't listen to a word or value anything I say.

OP posts:
Watchthesunrise · 02/09/2022 22:00

Go away for a bit. Leave them to it. What's stopping you?

Original poster
Susiy · 02/09/2022 22:03

Thanks Vipersnest1 - I do feel DH is teaching our son to be disrespectful to women in general - he's incredibly dismissive of me and patronises me on a regular basis telling me to calm down and not make a big deal out of nothing.
We lived together for several years before having a child and always split housework, cooking etc down the middle but over time he has done less and less and now does barely anything and this despite the fact that for most of our marriage I have had the larger salary. In retrospect, it feels like once I had a baby he just reverted back to a traditional male role. I'm in my early fifties and just feel like I want out at this point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Susiy · 02/09/2022 22:07

Hi AmandaHoldenslips, (great pseudonym btw:)
I have gone on strike several times in the past but do feel like I need to stop doing anything for either of them at this point.

OP posts:
WhenDovesFly · 02/09/2022 22:07

Wow, your DS is going to be a prize catch for someone one day.....not!!!! Just think how he's going to treat a partner if this is what he's being taught.

How old is he OP? Why do you think you need to wait until he's finished school? Let them get on with it now and see how long they cope when they don't have their servant there looking after them.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 02/09/2022 22:15

I have found this with quite a few friends who earn more than their partners, that the men behave in a very disrespectful manner and in those cases I do think they are trying to put the woman in her place.

I think it would actually be a very good lesson for your son if you said that you were not prepared to put up with living like that and if you went off to a two bed place on your own where he was welcome to live as long as he respected you.

Original poster
Susiy · 02/09/2022 22:21

Thanks OntheBrinkof Change - I am concerned about how my son could end up treating girlfriends down the line. I do think change now might be the best for him too. I hadn't thought about my earning more being an issue as DH was never driven or ambitious but that rings true to me now that you mention it.

OP posts:
99redballoonsgobyy · 02/09/2022 23:15

@mothertrucking yes yes yes snap my dp is the same too, never ever backs me up I always feel its them against me. dp is so scared of upsetting teen dd he is more a mate than a parent to the kids and it totally pisses me off we've had many a row over it. Teen dd also has no repect for dp (her dad) and often speaks to him like shit but I tell him it's his own fault as he acts more like her mate so she lacks respect for him. she definitely knows she can't get away with speaking to me the way she does her dad. why are a lot of dad's like this.

99redballoonsgobyy · 02/09/2022 23:16

that should read respect not repect lol

Original poster
Susiy · 02/09/2022 23:27

Thanks to everyone who replied to my post - greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
SammyScrounge · 02/09/2022 23:43

Susiy · 02/09/2022 21:58

Thanks mothertrucking - it's helpful to know that I'm not the only one - it's getting to the point where I just want to move away once school is done and start anew - I don't feel there's any future for me in a house where the other two people don't listen to a word or value anything I say.

Leave them to it. There will be a dramatic change in their perspective when they fight over whose responsibility it is to run the kitchen and the house.

MrsLippincote · 04/09/2022 18:19

I get this feeling of being unsupported too. It's really unpleasant. I often feel like I'm 'the bad parent'. It's perhaps not to the extreme op has mentioned but I really feel it impacts my relationship with dh and can really highlight our different views on parenting as dh will often stand back and not comment much on quite fundamental issues (especially in regard to teen dc). I also pick up most of the mental/emotional load. Whenever possible, I take time out and let him spend time with the dc (of various ages), he soon finds out how tough the going can be and I do have a wry smile sometimes. I also call dh out on any signs of disrespect shown towards me (in fairness, he usually apologies).

We lived together for several years before having a child and always split housework, cooking etc down the middle but over time he has done less and less and now does barely anything and this despite the fact that for most of our marriage I have had the larger salary. In retrospect, it feels like once I had a baby he just reverted back to a traditional male role. I'm in my early fifties and just feel like I want out at this point.

This is not acceptable op. I can understand why you feel like this. My dh has had the larger salary but still takes on a good deal of housework/childcare. It does sound like there is little respect being shown towards you op and you perhaps need to set firmer boundaries and if this doesn't work, re-assess your situation.

lenny17 · 13/09/2022 12:29

AmandaHoldensLips · 02/09/2022 21:51

Go on strike.

Until they can show you the respect you deserve they can naff off.

Seriously. Stop doing anything for them.

I have been SO tempted to do this. Because my partner is totally unable to comprehend or appreciate what it takes to keep everything ticking over, he sees no reason for our DS to do so either. He sits in silence whenever I try to have discussions with DS or get him to help around the house . My feeling is that he sets an example of trying to placate me rather than back up good habits I try to instil. Then I end up being so cross with him and fearful of DS ending up the same, I lose my composure and become completely the opposite to the kind of parent I'd like to be.

theremustonlybeone · 13/09/2022 12:35

I would take some time away. Do a Shirley Valentine and have a solo holiday and take time to reflect on your future.

lenny17 · 13/09/2022 12:44

If I speak to my OH, about my concerns about DS, he responds with pearls of wisdom like 'when I was that age, all I wanted to do was...'. It infuriates me. Its dismissive and suggests that we just allow our kids to do whatever they please. It's very likely that this passive approach is how he was brought up so I can't expect him to grasp the concept and it terrifies me that I'm raising a child that's as self centred as he is.

tootiredtospeak · 13/09/2022 12:50

Dont just go on strike go away. Book yourself a weeks holiday and tell your Dh and son they either change or your out. Seriously I would have to make a stand otherwise you are teaching your DS to be disrespectful to any future partner too.

Shortandfurry301 · 13/09/2022 13:10

I have been SO tempted to do this. Because my partner is totally unable to comprehend or appreciate what it takes to keep everything ticking over, he sees no reason for our DS to do so either. He sits in silence whenever I try to have discussions with DS or get him to help around the house . My feeling is that he sets an example of trying to placate me rather than back up good habits I try to instil. Then I end up being so cross with him and fearful of DS ending up the same, I lose my composure and become completely the opposite to the kind of parent I'd like to be

Lenny17 I could have written this post above ^^ word for word. Except in our case we have a DD not a DS. I understand how helpless and despairing this behaviour makes one feel. My DH totally indulges our DD and I worry about the negative effects this will have on her.

I did go on strike for eight weeks. The truth is no one did anything (they didn't even change a loo roll) and then it was a lot harder for me to get it all back in to some sort of order again. It made me realise how powerless I was in this dynamic and I got quite depressed. Sorry this post is so depressing but it is reality. The only momentary glimpse of acknowledgement or appreciation I got was when I cleaned everything up again!