Son ashamed of me

[Thyra123]

I’ve been a single parent on and off since my boy was a year old, and carried on working part time as a dental nurse while my parents looked after him. This continued until three years ago when we moved to Wales, and I found a childminder to have my son after school while I worked until Covid hit. I studied with Open Uni and graduated in 2021, as I never loved dental nursing and wanted to give myself more options later on.

Since April this year my son has been unable to attend school and we’ve had no support or diagnoses. He always struggled with going to school or even leaving the house at all but my parents and the childminder battled to get him there.

I started a remote part time role yesterday and my goodness, the proverbial hit the fan. While I’m training, my son (now 12 nearly 13) starts messaging me from the other room asking all sorts of minor questions that could be dealt with later and when I reply saying I’ll talk to you later I’m working, he has a huge meltdown.

Previous to this I had been signed off sick with stress but found this job which seemed to be low stress and good hours so I went for it as we need the money. My sons always moaning that we never have ‘nice’ food and I can’t afford to get him Fifa points 🙄 He also says he’s embarrassed by my car as it’s old and the paintworks not great.

His dad earns good money, has worked full time and been promoted many times in the past 11 years since we’ve split, and can give our son financially what he wants. But his dad doesn’t support him emotionally at all! And our son isn’t happy to visit dad but happy to take money from him 😔

Last night my son said to me ‘you spent six years getting your degree and you’ve only got a minimum wage job still, what was the point. Your life’s so boring, you can’t go on holiday or get a nice car.’ I was fuming and tried to explain that being a good mum is my goal and I’m not ambitious to make lots of money, just want a stress free life with no job related responsibility. I also love writing and illustrating which I explained to him was my passion as well as helping others, and he said ‘none of that will make you successful.’ I said ‘but it does make me happy.’

I also explained that in a few years time when he’s either at college or working or happy for me to leave the home 🙄 perhaps I can get a ‘better’ job.

I’ve sacrificed a lot for him, I refuse to have a partner due to the damage his two stepdads did, but I’m okay with my life being ‘boring’ for now as I can concentrate on him. Starting to feel like taking on this little job was a bad idea altho when things go wrong with the house or car, I never have spare funds to deal with it.

I dont want a medal for what I’m doing, and I don’t expect him to appreciate it all now, but it broke my heart last night to hear my son basically say he’s ashamed of me and my lack of ambition and success 😔. I guess I just want him to be proud of me 😔

Meeting next week with school to discuss how to get him back in, and son has no ideas of how they can help him 😔

He sounds like a typical horrid teenager. So he's unhappy and he thinks he wants a different future than yours does he? And he thinks avoiding school and getting zero qualifications is going to do that? Ask him what shiny new car he is going to buy with a minimum wage job or universal credit? What's the holiday destination on £400 a month benefits after bills? You need to point out the flaws in his plan . I would also be removing that gaming system sandal perks of staying home and only allowing him to have it back AFTER a day at school.

I think he sounds like a typical teenager with no experience of life . One day he will know exactly what you did for him , until then you don't have to justify your life to him .
I gave up work 3 years ago after a high profile well paid job , also got a degree .

Don't feel ashamed , you are an adult who undeniably has ambition . I would put that back on him . What does he want to achieve ? How is he going to get what he wants ? I would be interested in his answer !

What a horrible little shit. I'd buy him sweet fa apart from the absolute basics in life, food, school uniform. He'll understand that you can't afford any more than this, being on minimum wage...

"my son (now 12 nearly 13)" .... How dare a 12-year-old speak to his mother like that. I'd whack him into the middle of next week and say: "The reason I'm on this call working is to put any 'nice' food on your plate. You'd be lucky if the only FIFA you get is a boot up your arse!"

WTH like....I'm not sure where to begin. I'd bet he doesn't speak to his teachers like that. And yeah I agree with people here. "Ask him what job he's going to get to buy his fancy car while not attending school."

I wouldn't take it to heart, that is a mean thing to say, but he'll regret it in the end. I've never actually said this to anyone before, but I think you should get some advice on that one. I would never...hell my Mum stopped working in the bank when she had me (I'm 30 odd) to stay home and mind me as a kid and throughout my life, my Dad worked in the bank for 40 years to put 'nice food' on the table, and yeah he did ok, but he happened to work since he was 16 years old. I would never ever have thought to ask my Mum about that, particularly at 12??? 12?!!!! He should be playing bloody rugby after school getting tackled into the middle of next week or doing maths grinds since he can barely stay in school. I'm disgusted....Don't care how many stepdad's he's had.

Not sure what to say, I hope he apologised for that. I wouldn't speak to my son for a week if (a) I had one and (b) he said that to me. I'd be fuming.

Re the school situation - do look at the Facebook group 'Not Fine in School' (NFIS) lots of support and advice on there x

You were with his dad then he had two stepdads that he had a bad experience with by the time he was 13 he’s school refusing and he’s always struggled with school?

I would park the stuff about not having enough for the moment and I think you really need to focus on why he seems so unhappy/anxious. This doesn’t sound like his life has been very stable and these complaints may just be an outlet for other stuff. I would really just try to ignore what he said (I know it’s very hurtful when you are doing your best to provide for him) and try to get him some help.

I don't think that's typical from a teenager really... what are his ambitions and how does he propose to make those dreams happen?

Sadly, they're all like this. Even the polite ones sorta quietly sneer at you. They can't help it. Try not to take it personally! There's absolutely no qualities or skills you could have that would avoid you teenager contempt.

But maybe he didn't mean it the way it came out.

Urrrgh Zombie thread, this post is 5 months old and OP never came back.

He won’t “get it” (your sacrifices) until he’s older. It hurts, but it is what it is.

His father can buy the items he wants and presumably he does? If he wants a holiday then he can go with his dad?

Is he just angry and acting out and you’re getting all the blame?

Has he not been in school since April 2022? How has the school supported him to date? That sounds like a bigger issue but I can understand you’re upset.

Wow you need a break from that brat.
My son said similar things, im a single parent too, work ft, neither of kids has gone without necessities, but I've also been told they were embarrassed of our house! It's a tough age. Reward that bratty behaviour with lots of vegetables. 💐

Ps both my kids have got better, eldest has a job. My son doesn't have a job but he is not as bratty at 17 as he was a few years ago

Would actually love to hear an update on this situation @Thyra123 , what's the latest, I'm absolutely intrigued!!