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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Advice please - DS 13 shop lifting

21 replies

Whitegrenache · 29/08/2022 17:36

DS 13 has been caught stealing a Vape along with his mate. Shop owner caught it on cctv and placed their picture in the shop
Window and his mates parents spotted them.

He admitted eveything although tried to blame his mate as he was the one who actually picked up the vape and my DS held the door.Sad

We explained they were both culpable and DS understood

We took DS down to the shop and made him apologise to the lady who gave him a real Lecture and told him the police were informed (there aren't thank the lord) but it gave him a scare:

He has lost all social media, x box phone and iPad as well as not going out with his mates for a very long time.

I cried and told him how sad I felt and he has betrayed our trust.

He is overall a good kid and never been in trouble before.

I'm an overthinker and catastrophically thinking I have bred a wrong un..

Any advice grateful received and how do
I build trust again?

Thanks
An ashamed mum Sad

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 29/08/2022 17:44

Honestly I think what youve done is the right thing, taking him back to the shop to apologise....I dare say most kids will try shoplifting once in their lives.....hopefully you being disappointed in him will be the discouragement he needs to stop him doing it again.

MarillaCuthbertshair · 29/08/2022 18:24

Hello, please don't feel bad, a huge amount of teenagers will try this once then realise they are not as invisible as they thought. He listened to you, he came with you back to the shop, I'm sure he'll grow up fine. Can I just say that the times I've noticed my son stops telling me so much is when he's seen me genuinely upset - it scares him more than just being a wake up call I think. So if possible you might be able to 'pull back' from the situation and see again that you are parenting a good kid who made a mistake. If they see you scared it can be more than a scare for them I think. Also, working in a shop, we once caught two teenage shoplifters. One gave the correct address, the other lied about her address and had her parents storming in demanding an apology for checking her bag. The first one was clearly a nice kid who did a stupid thing, I really hoped she dropped the friend.

MarillaCuthbertshair · 29/08/2022 18:58

Also, at least he got caught! Imagine if he thought crime was easy! Give him a hug (if he likes hugs), he must feel awful. He's still very young bless him.

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 29/08/2022 19:14

Hugs! I could Throttle him Confused but yea I will give him a cuddle later

His sister DD 16 is close to him so will have a chat also with him.

He thinks his punishment is 3 months of no x box and phone....I was prepared to be more lenient

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitegrenache · 29/08/2022 19:15

Luckily we don't live near the area where his picture was posted in the window

His mate does and it will be widely known it was him locally which is surely punishment enough

OP posts:
MarillaCuthbertshair · 29/08/2022 19:38

That's good that's he's not too local to the shop, he can move in from it. I'm glad he's close to his older sister too.

MarillaCuthbertshair · 29/08/2022 19:38

on

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 30/08/2022 08:58

How long does the confiscation of
Electronics last? A week?

OP posts:
MsMarch · 30/08/2022 09:06

I think having to take responsibility is probably the best thing you have made him do. At 13 kids are still pretty stupid so this is probably a good wake up. I am not sure i would be punishing him further for months and months.

I assume he and his friend have to pay for the vape they took (and that serious conversations re vaping were had?!). I would probably reduce any pocket money and / or increase his chores for a few weeks, but not take away his usual life.

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 30/08/2022 09:09

Yes we paid for vapes - had a chat about smoking and vaping and made him do hard labour yesterday 🤣

I just feel Taking his phone off him is removing him away from any of his social Contact.

I have no issue with keeping his x box and iPad off him for a week.

Perhaps allowing him 30 mins phone time a day to chat with his mates would be an option?

DP thinks I'm being too
Soft

OP posts:
RuthW · 30/08/2022 09:19

I would say three months of punishment was lenient. I would go much longer.

Lucky he was caught.

MyNameIsNotMichele · 30/08/2022 09:25

I think a week is fine. The main consequence is to front up and apologise, and to pay.

Talking it through is important.

The electronics are not really relevant but grounding matches the crime as he blew the trust you gave him to behave when out.

I don’t see any point in prolonging the punishments though. Having to front up will have been the hardest part for him and I dare say he won’t be doing it again in a hurry.

The crying and wotnot are a bit over the top, you’re making it about you.

MissyB1 · 30/08/2022 09:29

I would take all his devices for a week, and let him rediscover other things to do! It won’t kill him!

And do you check his phone by the way? I have a13 year old ds and I seem to be the only parent in his group of friends that checks his phone.

holidayhonesty · 30/08/2022 09:32

3 months is too long IMO. It's dragging out a fairly typical - albeit very bad and stupid - teenage mistake. A week or two of punishment is fine.

I just wanted to say I empathise. My 14 y/o has always been a lovely, gentle boy but the last 12 months have had me panicking that I've massively messed up as he's made a couple of bad decisions.

gingertoast · 30/08/2022 09:35

I had this; mine was caught and barred from local shop. I had no idea until I asked him to pop out to grab some milk, he had to tell he'd been barred at that point. He claimed he hadn't done it and was falsely accused. Being indignant I marched him round to set the record straight....

The man was apologetic but said he'd been caught red handed and they also had CCTV. I stood outside and gave that boy the biggest public bollocking ever known to man. I then marched him home and made him write a letter of apology. The men in the shop were lovely and graciously accepted and he was allowed back in.

I'm pretty sure I dolled out some follow up punishment (it was years ago so can't remember now) but the public is humiliation stays with him to this day and i done believe he's ever stolen anything since

shiningstar2 · 30/08/2022 09:38

I think take devices for a week and make it clear you are going to start checking his phone if you don't do that already. Excessive punishments don't work. The child can become both depressed and resentful and start using sneaky behaviour. It is a digital age. I can't imagine being without phone or other digital devices for 3 months. Leaves him out of everything at school from chats about homework to arrangements for football and other stuff which is important for his mental health. Stops him developing better social habits and making other friends. I know a parent who stopped a phone for a long time. The teens was given a spare from one of her mates and the parents had no knowledge whatsoever about certain meetups ext.

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 30/08/2022 10:10

Oh I have no intention of doing 3 months!! That was his idea Confused

And the crying and whatnot Hmm was at the time and hopefully showed him how upset I was...I haven't been wailing since then!

I don't check his phone but that's a great shout

OP posts:
Notanotherwindow · 30/08/2022 11:11

I'd say 3 months is lenient for shoplifting. A week is way too soft! He's 13, above the age of criminal responsibility, he is incredibly lucky to be getting out of this without a criminal record.

I'd say no phone for 2 weeks a day no x box 3 months, grounded 3 months depending on behaviour. Any more misbehaviour would earn him another 3 months.

latetothefisting · 30/08/2022 11:40

I think you (and the shop) have handled it pretty well and agree with shiningstar about phasing devices back in after a while.

Honestly I think a huge percentage of teenagers shoplift at some point. I know it was rife in my school and I went through a phrase of it for a few months aged 13 or so but am now a very law abiding adult, having worked for the police and civil service. obviously that doesn't make it OK but if it helps to reassure you that nicking one vape doesn't mean he's on an irrevocable path to career criminality!

Just look on here for the threads about keeping wrong deliveries or www.google.com/amp/s/www.walesonline.co.uk/news/uk-news/one-three-brits-stealing-items-24432238.amp to see that a huge proportion of the population, even "naice" respectable people apparently don't see a huge issue with some types of stealing!

Again to reiterate I don't agree with this and have personally never nit even taken an illicit 5p carrier bag from a self checkout or whatever, but just to put into context the posters who are suggesting he should be hung drawn and quartered - its certainly a bad thing to do but also, in my mind, a fairly normal teenager thing to do, akin to skiving school or drinking underage, not indicative of career criminality.

NotLactoseFree · 30/08/2022 12:12

I think making him DO things vs taking things away is better. So making him apologise and pay - which you've done - perfect. I'd agree with the phone checking thing. Perhaps also when he's out he has to contact you/text you at agreed intervals so you can check where he is (although not entirely sure how effective that is). I'd also be making him add something to his day or week that takes effort (rather than taking things away that will make him bored/resentful). So perhaps he has to do additional chores/not get paid for chores he usually does (babysitting a younger sibling or cleaning/gardening or whatever). Depending on what is or isn't appropriate, perhaps he has to agree to clean the shop windows (or your windows) etc etc.

3 months without devices is counter productive and will just isolate him. One week is fine, but I don't know that's reflects him making any effort as part of his punishment.

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 30/08/2022 14:23

Oh he is definitely doing more chores and will be moving forward. We have had a chat and I will be having his phone passcode and checking his phone periodically.

OP posts:
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