Anxious about DS aged 13 going back to school

[Remmy123]

I wrote a few times on here about my 13 year old son and distruptive behaviour at school.

year 7 - disruptive but pretty good grades
year 8 - distruptive, many many detentions - dreadful report

behaviour is: too much chatting, not focusing, not trying at all basically

i got so many phone calls home from the school, a very upset son and I found it so stressful I became v anxious myself. We have been very supportive to my son, we have punished, tried different approaches etc nothing changed.

if this carries on he wil fail his gcse's

i can feel the anxiety rising, quite frankly I am dreading it.

any parents been through the same and can offer any advice?

he has a pc that he loves and I've told him any bad feedback it will be removed from his bedroom for the week (we have not disciplined that extreme before as always thought detentions are the punishment)

thanks so much

stressed mum x

To add - maybe a good idea if the school couid consider different approaches to this behaviour based on a pending ADD/ADHD diognosis and see if it helps. Not sure they will

Could he be tired with that journey?
Going to school with the main cohort from Primary isnt always a great idea because they can carry on (or start) silly behaviour from Primary school because they know their peers already and show off.
If going to the closer school means he could do some sort of sport or other club Id go for that.

In terms of the new school results look at the value added. My school gets very few 6-9 results because a massive amount of our students are SEND, and often come to us with a reading age below 8 years. The bright ones who we can really challenge do really well and get their 7 - 9 but there arent that many of them. The grades the weaker students get dont look good at first glance but are a massive achievement for our students,

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime thanks again you have been so helpful

Does he have a very strong and concrete idea of right / wrong
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Sorry to jump on, can I just ask for personal reasons what this might be a diagnosis/suggestion towards?

My son has always had a sense of "fairness". It's usually spot on which is good. But in the past the grudges he has held and the resultant behaviour because of this, boy oh boy! Inflexible to say the least. 😂

Now he's older he can see around a problem more. ADHD/ASC.

Thanks, that's interesting, mine was always a rigid stickler for rules as a toddler, didn't think too much of it (we called him the health and safety officer, ahem) it's come back to bite us in puberty, where I can see it in 3D technicolour! Have been considering ASD, rather than ADHD/ADD

From my own experience i would say let him have a fresh start where teachers havent pigeon holed him. It did wonders for me.

Maybe do a deal ..he changes school and he agrees to do sport again

Re. Arguing back to teachers. I wish as a teenager i had realised earlier how much easier life is if you do what you are told. Maybe telling him.that migjt help!

@MarillaCuthbertshair Having a very strong sense of right / wrong and strong opinions on perceived injustices can be a sign of ADHD/ASC.

Its not necessarily the idea of right or wrong but the rigidness of thought and the in ability to let it go and quite often a student will get fixated and go on and on and on about the perceived injustice without letting go whilst other children may just chalk it up to one of those things and move on.

As an example we were using the Van der Graaf in science to show static electricity (the thing that makes your hair stand on end) and one of my students had been looking forward to it but was pulled out of class to discuss poor behaviour in their previous lesson. By the time they came back in I had had to pack it all away for our technicians to take so they could give to another teacher for their lesson the next period and get my room ready for my next lesson. They got quite angry and aggressive and then upset about the fact that they had not had chance to have a go and repeatedly bought it up repeatedly for that lesson, completely disturbing the lesson, refused to complete any work and brought it up in following lessons afterwards.

I think considering school 2 is an excellent start. You say it is brand new bit doesn't have good results. How can it have good results if it hasn't had the chance to thrive?

If he enjoys football he may be encouraged by the excellent facilities at the new school

Also, my DS is 13 and is struggling a bit academically but that is linked to how unhappy he is at the moment. (His mates have basically dropped him) We are not concerned at all about his grades as we want to work on rebuilding his confidence. My point is I wouldn't worry about the grades at this new school, the change may do him the world of good

@Remmy123 I know this is quite old but how have things gone? Currently experiencing similar with my son

Some children mess around because the kudos they get from their peers is more desirable. You need to make sure you balance that by giving rewards and praise for effort and behaviour. Quite frankly the narrative that any and all misbehaviour must be a send need or anxiety is utter nonsense peddled by people who don't want to deal with their kids.