Sibling rows

[Middleofthenightworries]

Probably just worrying too much in the early hours, but younger DD (just 13) can be pretty cutting with older DD (nearly 16) who overly takes it to heart - and I don't know how to handle it.

I do try to curb on both sides without making too much of it. But I worry it will affect their relationship long term (and they were so close when they were younger).

Older DD often feels really hurt and telling her to try not to let comments bother her doesn't work.

And younger DD gets really irritated her sister gets so upset.

Anyone dealt with this/have any tips on taking the heat out of it?

((Also- I don't have siblings so tell me if this is just how it is when two DDs are dealing with puberty and teen stresses!!))

We had similar with dd's from around 13-17. Do they share a room? We tried to give a plan of permission to walk away so when dd2 was getting agitated dd1 could choose to leave and dd2 wasn't allowed to follow. we tried to stay out of it as much as we could (it was draining ) and let them work it out but that was hard as they would come to us to off load.

I'd be teaching my older DD how to serve it back to younger DD - and also introducing her to the art of grey-rocking.

I did the "crumpled piece of paper" explanation to my DC.

I showed them a lovely new piece of A4 paper.

I then said " this is what happens when you say nasty things" and crumpled up the paper.

"This is what happens when you apologise" - and smoothed out the paper.

"Does that paper look as good as it did before? Although the apology can make things better, those hurtful things you say are still there, hurting the person. You need to be more mindful of what you say when you are in an argument, to not deliberately say hurtful things just to win the argument".

I think in your case your DD2 might find it enlightening, that something she said would still have the power to hurt.

Also, she can't be annoyed if her DSis is still hurt by her comments afterwards. She only gets to control what is said, she can't force the healing afterwards.

telling her to try not to let comments bother her doesn't work Of course it does not! I think you need to tell the younger one to knock it off. younger DD gets really irritated her sister gets so upset - this is unacceptable, the younger DD needs telling she is out of line here.

It sounds from your description that the younger is the problem - so you need to step in and lay down lines about what is acceptable behaviour.

Do you have examples of what is being said? If they are comments that would be unacceptable at school and your younger DD is able to follow rules like that at school, then this is a sign it is deliberate i.e. bullying.

I would give the older DD the option to distance herself. You can't control whether they get on. You can control whether there is bullying in your home.

My two boys were the same with the eldest though starting on the youngest one . I Used to
Intervene because the youngest was too shy and would just take it . It drove us mad. We found out my eldest had ADHD but that was no excuse and actually made us more protective of my youngest son as well as seeing my eldest son through that dark period . Telling my son if he continued I would stay away and not be around him as it hurt me when he was like this with his brother kind of worked because my boys and I have a strong relationship. It didn't mean the digs didn't stop though. When my youngest got to his next school he found his feet and voice and came into his own and that's when he made sure he fought back. I didn't like it but I also had to make sure my eldest son had to know he couldn't be like this . There were a lot of times I had to intervene, it was exhausting. Separating them . Eventually my youngest son refused to talk to him . I was devastated. I come from a huge Italian family with 3 sisters and thousands of cousins . I told my youngest he had to talk to him , he was his brother , he refused . With this happening it upset my eldest he would try and speak to my son but to no avail . Nothing he could do would work . Then one day my eldest said , I only wanted to play fight like dad and I did but it got out of hand and he cried . My youngest must of heard him because days later they tolerated each other.

Now they are 20 and 23 and they are best mates . They go fishing together . Always huddled in some corner chatting away . They are very close and it makes me so proud .
So , I am not saying you have to do this . It was hell and my family intervened with my eldest too because it was really bad on me . I think they could see how our closeness is as a family , extended family , because we row , we are loud , we are Italian ! However we always make up and stick together . This is what I have instilled into my boys .
I hope you can sort this out . In fact I know you can . Sit them down individually then together and tell them how it affects you , the family and how it will destroy their future and they will need each other , they may not think that now but they will.

I was the older sister in this situation and it was pretty awful. I still don’t trust/like my youngest sister and would never open my heart to her and I’m 48. That’s the result of years of bitchy and spiteful remarks.

with my own children, I make my youngest son apologise if he is being nasty. My eldest child is just a gentle laid back guy like I was but he has enough bite in him to get back at him pretty much automatically so I think that keeps him in check. Encourage your eldest daughter to bite back and use her voice. I’d be putting the onus on the younger one to change her ways - I honestly think it’s a horrible mindset to get into.

Thanks everyone for replying. We're away together so probably more chance of them winding each other up. (Has also meant I had no chance to come back on here until now).

People have said really useful things which I'll definitely keep in mind. And I have noticed them getting on too, so not all lost I think.

@WeIoveyouMissHannigan I'm sorry about the issues you still have. As someone who would have loved a sibling, that's what scares me about the situation. But hopefully those moments when they do have get on will see them through and they'll end up more like @louislong's two 🤞