Incredibly picky eater

[dumbstruckdumptruck]

DSS16's girlfriend spends a lot of time at our house. They've been together a year and her mum works a lot, so being with us saves her being home alone all the time.

She's 15 and I've never known anyone with such a limited diet.

She will not eat any kind of vegetable – a tomato pasta sauce is about as far as she'll stretch, but only if it's full of salt and no other vegetables are hidden in it.

Fish of any kind is a no, and in terms of protein she'll only eat eggs, chicken or processed meat like supermarket burgers. White rice only, white bread only... you get the idea. Desserts-wise she'll stretch to a plain sweetened yoghurt, but nothing fruit-flavoured, and won't drink anything other than water.

She does eat – I'm not concerned about anorexia or bulimia at all (and I'm very familiar with what to look out for). It's just SO limited.

I have no idea how she's reached this age in seemingly good health, and, aside from it making mealtimes complicated for us, I really feel for her.

When we ask what it is she doesn't like about these foods she doesn't seem able to tell us. It doesn't appear to be a sensory thing, and she says she's not against the idea of being able to eat more widely, she just doesn't like anything.

When she's at our house she'll try tiny bites of things – like today she had her first raspberry doused in yoghurt – but she'll never admit to liking anything and certainly won't go any further than taking a tiny bite of something (think half a slice of cucumber).

Her mum's on board with us working on getting her to eat something more than cereal and chicken – but aside from what we're already doing, I'm a bit stuck!

Does anyone have experience of something like this? All the advice I'd usually think of is for little kids – 15 year olds are a bit different!

Does she actually not like things, or has she just never tried them so finds it easier to say she doesn’t like it?

My DH used to do that, but actually he didn’t want to admit never to have tried it.

I’m like this and two out of our three kids are. I expect we would register somewhere on the autism spectrum if tested but eating is the only part of our lives where it really shows. My parents used to be ashamed of me so it was lovely to meet my husband who couldn’t care less and accepts me how I am. That’s the approach we’ve used with our kids. They do eat a balanced if limited diet. Acceptance is the only approach I think. It is great she is willing to try new things at yours.

@Hotandbothereds she's quite happy to say she's never had something, but she'll say she knows she won't like it (because it's a vegetable / fruit / etc).

That's usually when, if gently pressed, she'll agree to try a tiny bit of something, but only after smelling it, pretending she might be sick, almost putting it in her mouth and taking it out again... and the verdict is almost always either "it doesn't taste of much, but no, that's enough for me" or running to the bathroom to spit it out.

@Arucanafeather balanced but limited would be great!

I think ultimately that's what we're aiming for – we don't want to push her or make her feel ashamed at all, just to get a few foods in that fill in the nutritional gaps in her diet. It's the total lack of any fruit or vegetables that concerns me most.

Definitely no desire to make her feel bad, but her health is really going to suffer in the long run if things continue the way they are, and I so don't want that for her. She's a flipping lovely kid and she deserves a little bit more freedom around food, and some semblance at least of good nutrition.

Maybe do some research with her on how babies learn to accept food

gor me it was learning that they have to try something 20 times to accept it that led to me persevering rather than having one taste and deciding not for me

@TakeMeToYourLiar that's a really interesting angle, I wouldn't have thought of that.

If it's ok to ask: did you really want to eat more varied foods? Was that driving you to learn about it? Sometimes I wonder if the desire just isn't there for her and it'll never change until she deeply wants it herself.

I was exactly the same at that age and didn't start trying anything beyond chicken, potatoes, rice , eggs and Edam until I left home. I think part of the issue was food in our family was fuel rather than something to be enjoyed, my mum was a bit of a martyr about cooking and was very much meat and two veg.

Don't make a big deal of it, let her try stuff if she wants to but don't make special accommodation for her.

Once I started cooking for myself and travelling I became really adventurous, as my figure testifies!

She likes being how she is. You won't change her.

Not your problem, provide food that is accepted by most, she can eat it or not. Different if it’s your own kid but a stepson’s girlfriend can eat it, bring her own or go home.

eugh
How could you be bothered?
I hope you don’t have younger impressionable dcs witnessing it. Not so much her behaviour, but everyone pandering to it.

My DD (13) eats like this- but only cheese, eggs etc from Tesco. No veg, limited fruit, chicken breast (if shredded) etc.

Shes of the age now where she desperately wants to eat like her friends; salads etc. but is too scared. She absolutely freaks out trying new foods, it’s really tough. It’s not that she won’t eat, it’s that she can’t. The GP has suggested that it may be ARFID: Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder.

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/types/arfid/

It fits her to a tee. Even as a small child, she would starve rather than eat what was offered, would regularly go all day at school without eating.

In short, you might not be able to solve this.

Who's pandering? Where have you seen any mention of pandering?

What @CatLadyDrinksGin I wouldn't be trying anything in your shoes but each to their own

She's not your child no matter if her mum supports this or not and I really don't see this as your business. Keep some frozen burgers in and white rice that she and your son can cook if you don't want to cater to her diet but aside from that leave her alone. My Ex 'MIL' when I was in my late teens was horrified I was a vegetarian and was just always going on about it. She doesn't need to be 'gently pressed' to fry anything she's probably mortified you keep bringing it up.
Either cater to her needs wholly, in a limited fashion or refuse to and serve up food she won't eat - but whatever option you choose absolutely ignore it and don't mention it again she's not your child!

Dc has been under a dietitian for the last 13 years (for medical reasons) but partly because of these reasons refused /or decided didn't like many foods before even trying them. Which meant /means a very limited diet.
The dietitian set challenges (where as pp said he had to eat something regularly before dismissing it ideally 20 times). The main thing was that dc1 was always in control. So dc1 chose what foods would go on the list, how he'd eat them and in what order he'd try foods.
It was hard going but we got to the point where he will try new foods and he had a reasonable range of foods he'd eat.

That’s exactly what I’m saying- a fussy eater in my house would be offered something largely acceptable and appropriate for their allergies if necessary but I’m not going out of my way to buy certain brands or anything weirdly out of the ordinary unless they’re someone I’ve chosen to invite as a guest. Step kids friends come into the make do without notice category. Allergies aside.

In my experience, it's best to feed avoidant eaters what they like, without fuss or comment most of the time.
If they're open to trying new foods, let them lead on that, or offer items similar to food they already like.
She could take a decent multivitamin to offset the lack of fruit and veg. Does she drink juice? Or a smoothie?

This is quite outing so might need name change later but ..
My ds was exactly like this but would eat any kind of fruit plus any kind of bread so I could make his diet a bit more balanced. Trying to get him to eat a bit of carrot say, caused exactly the response you describe including running to the toilet to be sick.
When he got to about 13 he realised how limiting his diet was , he couldn't go for a meal with friends for example because all he would eat in pizza express was the dough balls minus garlic butter !
He wanted to eat more foods but couldn't
He got a book out of the school library, a oaul McKenna, you can change your life .
He followed it religiously and three weeks later we went to a pizza restaurant and he ate pizza.
As an adult he now goes to Michelin restaurants and will eat every course of the tasting menu .
So I think if they genuinely want to change, hypnosis or self hypnosis is worth a try random as it seems !

I did and I didn’t.

I was 10 years older. I wanted to be more normal but not if it meant eating disgusting things forever.

ynderstanding that they would actually start to taste nice was revolutionary and made it worth pushing through

she'll agree to try a tiny bit of something, but only after smelling it, pretending she might be sick, almost putting it in her mouth and taking it out again... and the verdict is almost always either "it doesn't taste of much, but no, that's enough for me" or running to the bathroom to spit it out.

You said it yourself Pretending to be sick.
Why on earth are you involved with this ridiculous drama? You’re being inappropriate and her mums been inappropriate too.

Stop engaging this theatrics and drama. It’s not a “we” problem because it’s not your kid. It’s simply not your concern.

@TwoBlondes "Don't make a big deal of it, let her try stuff if she wants to but don't make special accommodation for her"

This is largely the approach we've taken so far. We've always got bowls of different things on the table and everyone serves themselves, so there are vegetables there she can try if she wants as well as things she will eat.

The smelling things and worrying she's going to be sick – we largely ignore it and carry on our conversations etc. and I've only had one brief talk with her about food away from the dinner table, to try and understand what's going on.

I just wanted to see if anyone had some more 'informed' ideas on it all, since we've been making it up as we go along so far.

Nice to hear travelling and cooking opened things up for you – it gives me hope for her!

@Beamur no juice, no smoothies. Water only.

And @Smogtopia no she's not our child. But she's here a lot and I care about her. She's not 'mortified' by our awareness of her pickiness at all, and nobody in our house is 'horrified' by how she eats. That's your story. No need for projection.

She needs some professional support to begin to eat normally. But I’d be wary about accommodating her whims too much because fussy eating can be an attention seeking behaviour for the drama llama types who want everyone to pander to them.

@CatLadyDrinksGin I completely hear you – and I can tell the difference between what I see in her and 'attention seeking'. She's not a drama llama type at all. Very polite, funny, sweet and thoughtful. If I thought she was playing it up for attention I wouldn't be giving this the level of thought that I am.

I think you're doing the right things. Both my DD and DSD have been much pickier eaters than they are now. Their change has been driven by them.wanting to be more flexible in their choices. DSD was also a fruit and veg refuser, she still eats a limited range but does actually eat a decent amount of both now. DD has always been ok with fruit and veg but limited with protein. She has decided recently she wants to eat meat and has been trying all different kinds. It's quite extraordinary to see as she used to gag at the very prospect of it!

That's reassuring to read, @Beamur, thanks.