Teenage friendship

[Upthewallsagain]

Name changed for this. My 13 year old DD was friendly with my friends DD since they were little. Not best friends, met up when I met up with my friend, that kind of thing.

They are now both 13 with very different interests. They have obviously grown apart. My friend keeps pushing for them to meet up and stay ‘close friends’, they were never that close. They are now in the same school etc, so it’s expected more.

I think it’s natural for teenagers to grow apart if they have different interests etc. There has been no falling out or fight etc, but my friend is taking it very personally.

my dd is starting to resent me suggesting she makes an effort or try to meet up with this other friend. She says she likes her but has nothing in common at the moment and finds things very awkward and conversation runs out fast.

What should I do? Just leave the teenagers drift and say nothing to df or talk to df about it …. I’m afraid she’ll get defensive, then I will too and that’ll come between us ? I honestly don’t think dd is doing this out of nastiness, if she was I would be the first to bring her up on it.

Why are you encouraging something your DD has told you she doesn't want?

I'd just let it drift or she will resent you - she's old enough to decide who she wants to be friends with.

I think you need to stay out of it and let her pick her own friends.

Thank you, yes, I’m thinking the same. It’s DF is making a bit of a big deal about and making things awkward between us. I think I’ll say nothing to DF, stop making suggestions to meet up with DD and hope that it won’t come between me and DF cos I do value the friendship, it is just a bit strained at the moment because of this.

Talk to your friend. Acknowledge that the kids aren't close and that as they are growing up it is no longer appropriate to "manage" their friendship. As long as your daughter is polite when they do meet, she should be left to choose her own friends.

@lisers thank you. I have 2 older DC’s and never had this issue, they grew apart from friends and I know that’s natural. It’s my df is making hard, she keeps pushing the agenda and I know it’s because her dd is struggling socially. I also know my dd can’t fix that for her.
Not sure how df would react to me saying this as she’s very sensitive around the issue at the moment but I must say it’s starting to stress me a bit. Thanks for the advice, I really have to thread carefully and chose my timing and words well.

You've got to have a frank convo with your friend.

"I'm still your BFF but our DDs have grown apart."

@lljkk thank you, I’m going to leave it a week or so at least and then see what it’s like. If it continues I’ll have to have a frank talk with her. Thanks again.

I had exactly your situation. Now it is accepted that we are still good friends but our daughters are not. But it was very awkward for a while.

Sometimes situations just need time and space for everyone to get on board and settled.

I would just remind your DD that she is entitled to be friends or not with whoever she likes but you are still friends with the mum and hence you do not want any falling outs or funny business.

@THisbackwithavengeance yes, it’s so awkward and I do tend to stress a lot about these things. Not letting DD know I’m stressed about it though.
I hope we can work through it and that this doesn’t come between us, I’ve a bit of a feeling it already has though 😕

Well, my friend asked to meet me yesterday for a chat. I did and it really didn’t end so well. I think things will be awkward between for a good while yet and I’m wondering if we will ever get back on track.
I stated my dd has changed and has different interests now and that kids drift in and out and I can’t force her to hang out with people who have different interests. I said from where I’m standing it looks like natural progression and distancing, not anything nasty.

I totally empathised with my friend, as her daughter seems to be lost at the moment and seems to have no one group of friends. She is seeking therapy for her anxiety and maybe a diagnosis of adhd or asd. While I stated that dd was friendlier with her new bunch of friends, I said I wasn’t aware of any falling out with or nastiness towards her dd. She agreed with that and my dd was actually out yesterday with a group of friends and her dd was there. There was no awkwardness between the teenagers from what I could see and they got on fine. Mean while, I’m doubting I want to see my friend anytime soon because this has come between us whether we like it or not.

There was a lot more said by my friend, I held my tongue and let her talk for the most part because she was visibly upset. I did remind her it was my dd she was talking about on 2 occasions. I asked her what she wanted me to do and she couldn’t answer that. I think she wanted to off load on me but was I really the right person to off load on when my dd was involved?

I found the whole conversation quite intimidating and felt she wanted something I just could not give her. Yes, our dd’s will meet up now and again but they will never be best friends, they actually never were anyway ! She has the idea that her dd was part of my dd’s new friend group and they are now excluding her. She was never part of that friend group. I think, maybe , she tried to get into that group iykwim, but she has nothing in common with these girls and it didn’t progress.

Dont get me wrong, I feel very sorry for her dd and said friend but what more can I do? If I push dd to meet her more often, it’s not going to work. They have such different interests and not compatible at all really now. They will meet now and again in groups and will chat and get on but asking for any more than that isn’t going to happen.
Anyway, I just needs to rant and off load. Thanks to anyone who managed to read and understand what I’m trying to say …. It’s all a big mess.
Did I do the right thing ? If so, why do I feel so bad right now ?

Don't worry, you did the right thing. I think we can all understand where your friend is coming from, it's really hard if you think your kids don't have any particular friends and high school can be the worst for friendship groups and not fitting in. But at the end of the day that's not your daughters issue, she's obviously always nice to the other girl but she can't be responsible for someone else's friendships. I would maybe pull back on your own friendship for a little while and things will probably settle once they've gone into a new school year, every year in secondary brings different lessons, different friends etc.

Thank you @MermaidEyes DH has said the same as you. Time and space will calm
things. Here’s hoping. I just couldn’t agree to something that I know, ultimately, will not work. Trying to clear my head but it’s going around in my head all the time, I know I need to park it for now and just see what happens. Thank you.