Hugs

[MarillaCuthbertshair]

I have noticed my now 15 year old trying to avoid hugs since he was 13. I don't want to torture him but knew as soon as I dropped it, I would never be able to start it again☹️ So I was down to one quick goodnight, but now it's a polite wave 😔 When will he want to give a quick hug again? 21? 😭

I think hugs are one of the things it can be worth continuing to do even if they're a bit squirmy and embarrassed (sensory discomfort aside).

For DSS16 it's a way of us letting him know "We know everything's awkward and weird in this stage of your life right now but we really, really love you in the same way we always have and that's never going to change"

Sometimes he squirms or rolls his eyes and makes annoyed noises, but he's always smiling as he scurries back to his lair room.

My 19yo hasn't done hugs for a long time. When he came back from holiday a few weeks ago I said "and I want a hug" and he gave me one quite happily, but we haven't had any since.

My 16yo hugs me at least daily, he was complaining the other week that its not so comforting now he is the taller one!

Everyone is different and of they don't want hugs I wouldn't be pushing them.

When my eldest son was born, my mum said "never stop hugging him. Most boys naturally withdraw from physical stuff when they are 8 or 9 and it happens so slowly that you don't realise until they are teens that you haven't hugged for ages. " It happened for her with my brother and her advice has stuck with me. It was really hard work, especially with my eldest son, to keep hugging when he definitely backed off but I forced it. The breakthrough was when a girl he really liked and had held hands on the sofa with (!) broke up with him and embarrassed him in front of the whole class- he was 15. He was curled up in a chair clearly hurting very much but pushing me away - I didn't give up and after about 30 minutes he softened and let me hug him and then he burst into tears.

Both my boys are mid 20s now and we have lots of hugs, instigated by all of us! I thank my Mum every day for her advice.

The not stopping even though it's not really wanted was sort of my line in the sand, but I would literally be attacking him now!

Thanks all!

Never really thought about this til you posted but thinking about it my middle ds is not very huggy but when he'd come back from Uni then leave again we would have a hug and I have a lovely picture of him coming back from travelling and picking his little brother up and hugging him at the airport . But when he was living with us full time would go ages without a hug !

@blobby10 aaaah it's horrible when they cry , bet he really needed that hug !

I agree with this. One of my dds , 15, is much less likely to come up and hug me now but still secretly likes it if I hug her. Sometimes teenagers find the emotion overwhelming or don’t want to be the one to instigate affection any more, but keeping some physical affection going is a good thing all round.

My ds 28 hugs me all the time. He’s 6ft 4. He gave me the odd one as a teen but he’s very huggy now.

Dd16 is still huggy

@blobby10 what your mum said about boys I think is also especially important here.

It can be so hard for boys to feel comfortable expressing emotion and affection, and to learn to receive it from others. Finding ways to teach them that it's OK to be affectionate and to ask for comfort when they need it – and that they're worthy of physical care and affection too – it's a big part of raising young men, and you're leaning against a big wave of external social conditioning in doing so.

If a daily 5-second hug can provide some kind of counterbalance to toxic masculinity, I'm all in.

It was really hard work, especially with my eldest son, to keep hugging when he definitely backed off but I forced it.

This is abuse. No one should be forced to have physical contact.

my middle ds is not very huggy but when he'd come back from Uni then leave again we would have a hug
yes i imagine i was the same if I'm honest! Must be a bit weird having the oldies you live with all the time trying to hug you if you're not a huggy person I suppose! Ah well, I'll have to send him to university asap! Glad to hear lots of you still getting hugs!

@pumpkinpie01 it was indeed heartwrenching to witness and I felt so angry towards the girl and her friend for hurting and humiliating 'my baby'! But it was also a big turning point in his and my relationship and he started to open up more and be more forthcoming than ever before.

That's really great to hear blobby10

Even if they dodge the hugs have some contact. So tousle their hair as they go by or rub their back as you pass the couch. And hugs will come back.

Try asking permission - seems to work here at the right moment

It makes sense in theory - I thought for both our personalities the lovely hug that didn't need overthinking worked best!

I'll be much more hesitant about asking and still being rejected, but I'll see how his boundaries are after I've backed off a bit

I don't think physical contact should be forced, so went with the neck stroke / arm squeeze when passing approach. DS is now 17 and we get hugs occasionally, but I think it's important to maintain touch in a way they are comfortable with.

It's interesting what you all say.
It's completely cultural.
Why assuming boys don't need showing/ being given affection past certain age? That's toxic masculinity.
We hug our boys as much as our girls in Spain. It's a given. No age limit.
I didn't stop hugging my son ever, and never crossed my mind stop doing it. Hi is now entering his teenage years and still have a smile in his face when I do.
He is really affectionate and hopefully he will always be affectionate with a future partner too.

My ds1 has never really stopped hugging - he's 6'4" now and tends to pick me up when he give me a hug! Ds2 is 13 and much more prickly. The last time I got a willing hug from him was when he'd accidentally viewed something that scared him online and was really upset. I struggle with him pushing me away but steal any little bit of physical contact that I can! Usually when he's relaxed and we're watching TV together. He was a very huggy boy when he was younger so I'm hoping it will come back.

This.

“Sometimes called the “cuddle hormone” or “feel-good hormone,” oxytocin is produced by the hypothalamus and released by the pituitary gland when we're physically affectionate, producing what some describe as warm fuzzies – feelings of connection, bonding, and trust,”