School for troubled teen

[Ward22]

Hi there
My 14 yr old son, has in the last year gone 'off the rails' and I don't know what to do or where to get help.
I got divorced last year and to all intensive purposes am on my own. My ex was abusive, drinking heavily and my son witnessed things he shouldn't have. I thought we'd got away with it as he was doing really well until Y9 during which he was suspended from one school and then expelled from another.
He's smoking weed and doing anything else he can get his hands on almost daily. Money goes missing all the time. He's aggressive when I challenge him. He's become physical with me more than once now (he's 6'2") and I ashamed to say I'm at a point where I'm giving into the behaviour because I'm scared of him. I have two younger daughters who are also scared of him and an older daughter who says she is really worried about him because "I've never met anyone like him before who does this stuff at such a young age". He's sleeping with girls already and that's something else I'm terrified about. He leaves the house in the middle of the night - twice I've woken up, had to track him through his phone and retrieve him from a local park in the early hours.
The school he got expelled from was a boarding school. He loved it (far too much) and was asked to leave within a matter of weeks for smoking weed with a small group of pupils from his year. He was sorry in that he was having such a great time there but not particularly remorseful and doesn't seem to regret his behaviour much (at all).
I've got him a brilliant male therapist but I suspect he is lying to him. Our GP was up front that there was very little help available where we live and gave me some links to local drug charities but when I investigated they weren't a good fit.
Does anyone know if schools who support 'troubled' teens exist in the UK? Or can suggest a school with very clear boundaries? I sent him to a school that is known for being liberal when he got suspended thinking that might be better for him and it backfired big time. He got a whole lot worse in a very short amount of time.
I'm looking online and can find zillions in the US, mostly faith-based, but not much here?
He's bright and a good sportsman. Makes friends easily. But pushing every boundary in the book.
Before I get attacked - life is utter hell at home and I am trying my very best on next to no sleep. I'm asking for advice - not to be torn to shreds. Already on the brink!
Thank you x

PRU?

the troubled teen industry is awful and teenagers have died due to it so you know do with that information what you will but i am sorry that this is so hard on the both of you he's clearly reacting to what happened in the past

You will need support to manage school places through your local education authority.
This may be alternative provision to meet his needs. You will, with his current school, need lots of tried, failed, evidenced before he is placed and this will be short term as the aim is to support him back to a regular school.
This is useful in setting out the ‘right to full time education’ - a huge DfE focus following COVID. assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1099677/Working_together_to_improve_school_attendance.pdf

You could try other public schools if you are paying for his education.

Yes when I delved further yesterday after I posted the above I got quite scared - a lot of abuse happening in the schools themselves it would seem.

And thank you - that the link is useful @ClaphamLane
He's been in the independent school system but I don't think he can remain in it.

I actually think the state sector is better placed to help children like your son. Talk to the LA about a place in a PRU. It will be a culture shock, but many of the children there will have arrived there because of very similar trauma. IME the staff are incredibly skilled. They can't "fix" everyone but they really do make a difference.

Then, listen to what the PRU think he needs and spend your money on additional counselling and therapy.

There are plenty of Independent schools for children with SEMH. The problem is that they are almost always aimed at LA funded placements via EHCPs and very expensive, even compared to the 40k boarding schools.

Coxlease for example: www.aspriscs.co.uk/find-a-location/coxlease-school-hampshire/

According to Ofsted, the day fee at Coxlease is 80k/pa.

@Heartrate the LA are not going to put the OP's DS straight into a PRU because he's been binned out of a public school for smoking weed. That is nowhere near the threshold for AP in the maintained sector!

They have to find him a school place and as an excluded child would be hard to place. I think he would end up in a PRU in our LA.

Being expelled from an Independent boarding school is not the same as having been permanently excluded from a maintained school. If he went to a maintained school and started dealing onsite and threatening people with knives, then yes, he may be moved into AP. He would definitely be placed in mainstream first though.

I don't think he would. With secondary schools increasingly academies, the LAs have less ability to make schools take a child, they're not going to volunteer to take this one.

I sit on the admissions panel for our PRU. This would be a HTP child. The LA would try to persuade academies to take him by offering HTP funding, but the liklihood is he'd come to the PRU.

Well, who knows. I run an AP setting (it's primary, but we have an associated secondary) and smoking a bit of weed would not get you in. I suspect the boarding school will not have brilliant records, so the evidence of need might be pretty scant too. LAs do differ though. In my LA there is a massive push for the mainstream schools to manage SEMH themselves and the bar for AP is mind-bogglingly high.

If you can afford boarding school you might be better to approach this with a two pronged approach.

State school, counseling and even sports clubs if he’s into that. Even a life coach might be more a positive step.

You could even ask the schools associated community police officer to speak to him about drugs and drink - they are after prevention rather than punishments.

You have options here.

The other thing here is finding a decent male role model - not a relationship - but as I said so thing like sports coaches who can have a positive effect.

Thanks all.

What is an AP?! Also SEMH😬Oh and HTP!! Oh dear....!

I have spoken to friends who teach in the state sector and they have also said he would have more access to support that way. Independent schools quick to wash their hands.

I don't think he needs or deserves a place an a PRU yet. There must be many, many more kids who need those spaces more.

State school, counselling and local sports clubs are going to be my best bet - that's my gut. There's an outstanding state nearby and I have a place for him there already (we're pretty rural and it's the only local secondary). I've investigated local sports clubs - he has friends in most of them already so that's easily done (if I can get him there)!

Just had a quick look at Coxlease. No prices on the website that I could see but £80k is out of my league.

I think the point about independent schools not keeping good records is relevant. Technically I was asked to withdraw him so his record doesn't have expulsion on it. I'm not sure how much benefit there is to that. Not a lot I suspect. But the headmaster has given him a reasonably hopeful and positive referral letter. Again that I'm not sure he deserves.

Postive role model - he speaking to a brilliant male counsellor / life coach who specialises in teens. I would love him to have more. Just me feels totally inadequate atm.

Thank you all again

AP = alternative provision. This is a long term placement in a non-mainstream setting for pupils that mainstream hasn't and can't work for. Usually for SEMH pupils as opposed to e.g. a special school for pupils with learning difficulties.
SEMH = social, emotional and mental health.
HTP= hard to place. Pupils there is no obvious 'prefect fit' setting- or at least not one the LA want to pay for!

Well it looks like you are doing your best - I would speak to the new school about your concerns, there maybe a listening service available and teachers can be advised on the best way to handle your son, lots of positive praise, get him to lean a team or be a sports rep etc are all good confidence boosters - and responsibilities.

I would also suggest he might want to find a part time job to keep him busy weekends - although difficult at this age

There is a website devoted to therapeutic parenting. I suggest you look it up

@Ward22 , gosh, I’ve read your posts and I sympathise/empathise. My DD1 (14) is also ‘off the rails’. She is registered blind and has diagnoses of binge eating disorder, neonatal abstinence syndrome, and ASC and ADHD. Sincerely, I would make contact with your local police force about the Child on Parent violence (and also possibly the drugs?). I don’t know how it is where you live but the police locally are propping up social care here.

I would also self refer into MAST (or front line children’s services) for extra support. You honestly should not be threatened or physically attacked by a male who is 6,2”, regardless of their relationship to you. Child on parent violence is a taboo that is not really spoken about publicly but it does exist (and is more common than you think).

Have you considered that your son is neurodiverse and most probably has ADHD as all of the extreme risk taking behaviours are screaming ADHD to me? (Two children with ADHD diagnoses here). Honestly, diagnoses and appropriate medication can be life-changing.

The smoking weed could be self-medicating, plus there are massive red flags for poor impulse control in your initial posts, ie the stealing, the lack of any impulse control etc.

Honestly, we still have massive problems but the ADHD medication has been game-changing for my DD - and my family.

That sounds really hard @EmmatheStageRat Bless you xx

This sounds really really familiar....I have a 14 nearly 15 year old who is off the rails. Currently at an independent boarding school. I think he needs to see a psychiatrist as we have some serious red flags but am not sure what to do. If I pull him out of school, I don't know where he would go. He will not admit there is any problem at all. Thinks the world is against him and that everyone is wrong and there's nothing wrong at all.
Where are you with things? Any advice?

bumping to see if any thoughts...my ds is in a similar position